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Subject Expert
Both parents need to pick their battles.
Agree. If it’s simply a parenting preference and it’s not causing harm to the child or anyone else involved, it’s just like with everything else in a marriage—compromise…
I’m very data driven. I like to research and lean towards what data says and question everything. My husband is super relaxed and just basically opposite of me. He just goes along with whatever I say in terms of discipline (gentle parenting) and what we feed her (no sugar or dyes) and if he ever disagrees, I ask him to present his research backed opinion
Everything doesn’t have to have an answer, some things just are. It took me a long time to accept that because I too was like you and wanted concrete answers and proof for everything… Not wanting to misspeak but I would think your husband would feel much more supported with decisions regarding your child if he wasn’t being challenged. His input could be just as valuable based on his feelings or experience vs research…
I have a 9 month old so we are just getting into the swing of things too. Most often we discuss certain strategies/approaches at random as we hear of them. We both agree neither of us are experts so we are both learning. I think this approach is great as it allows us both the space to try something and change course if it isn’t working. We’ve only had one major blowout since baby was born and it was 3 weeks postpartum. We eventually saw eye to eye after a long convo.
Calm, clear communication when you’re not in the height of your feelings is critical.
I also defer to him a lot on some things that I don’t have a super firm opinion on, or genuinely don’t know what to do. I think that helps when something comes up that I do feel strongly about.
Subject Expert
Honestly before we got married we discussed it at length because raised voices and hitting kids are dealbreakers for me. Fortunately, my husband has always agreed and we parent accordingly.
We typically don’t have disagreements on parenting but we do provide each other with feedback, like “hey, I’ve found it helpful if that activity is more child-led than parent-led” or “please don’t offer snacks right before getting in the car because it makes a mess”.
If your disagreements are more values-based (e.g. regarding hitting kids) I’d probably persue family counseling to get on the same page.
It’s definitely a struggle at times. Especially since my husband and I are total opposite in terms of parenting style. I’m more about gentle parenting and talking to our son (using the knowledge I’ve been reading through) whereas my husband acts on emotion and applies generational parenting and scolding. When this happens, it sooo hard for me to bite my tongue cuz the mama bear side of me wants to protect our son, but I’ve learned over time that me intervening in the moment just creates a bigger problem cuz then our son would see his parents fighting. So instead, we’ve agreed that if one of us doesn’t like the parenting style we’ve seen, we hold our thoughts till later and share it with one another and discuss it once the kids are asleep. Usually that’s a better time anyway because emotions have died down and the other parent is more willing to listen and be open to doing things differently.
I think it’s best to understand how each of you were brought up. Then discussing how you want your child to be exposed to certain parenting styles. This will help you both in understanding how should should move forward when certain issues or situations come up. Just remember and know that everyone is different in giving and receiving especially your child. They are always watching and mimicking how you both act and respond.
Mentor
We negotiate, we agree to disagree, we parent differently and baby will just need to deal (so who ever is watching baby gets final say) and occasionally we argue. If it gets out of hand, I pull rank as last resort. I'm mom and I've been an older sister and mini-mom to like 6 cousins that I raised. He's the youngest and never held a baby till ours. I also read all the baby books, so yes I win.
I'm super chill and okay with him playing with anything, getting dirty, falling, tasting a twig, etc. How else is he gonna build immunity and spatial awareness? Hubby is a bubble wrap daddy and very protective, carries him everywhere, doesn't let him touch anything that's not a soft toddler toy type.
I think we pick our battles, though I will say some things I don't agree with annoy the heck out of me. But a key philosophy my husband tends to go by (and I've more or less agreed to) is whoever is doing the taking care of for a particular thing gets to decide.
So like if my husband isn't there for the evenings (as his new job gets out late) then pretty much whatever I say goes for that time. If he's taking care of them, then he's "got it handled". For the minor issues that is.