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My wife is a stay at home mom. I'm so appreciative as it's incredibly difficult. Don't discount the value in them staying home, advancing more than day care kids and saving the cost on child care.
I’m sure OP understands this and is not discounting the hard work and effort it takes to be a stay at home parent. Their question is around what happens in the years leading up to or after the kids are born / leave the house. It’s a valid question, because during those times, there are no kids, so what are they doing to contribute to the household? I’m sure there are valid answers like taking care of house projects, cleaning and cooking, etc. Also note how I said “stay at home parent” not “stay at home mom” to acknowledge either are acceptable and normal.
Honestly OP, I have 2 kids now (2 year old and a new born) and I can’t even figure out what happens next week at this point. It’s freaking exhausting. My wife is a SAHM and I literally don’t know how she does it, but I’ll worry about what she wants to do once the kids are gone. Personally, if she doesn’t want to work once they leave, she has earned it lol like she literally has a kid sucking on her boob while the other is throwing a tantrum. I’m so so so thankful I am a male.
Seems odd that you are so concerned about what she plans to do in 15-20 years from now. Assuming you actually get married and have kids right away (which FYI sometimes doesn’t work out as planned, it took us three years to get pregnant with our first) you are concerned now about what her plans AFTER raising kids? I don’t know, have you asked her? Want if she wants to volunteer at food banks or be a crossing guard for the local schools, would you call it off now because of that? Maybe she’s assuming you’ll make partner (if you keep telling her that) and is thinking she can do some good in the world.
Basically the whole concept of picking a fight over what your girlfriend will do with her life after raising kids together seems asinine and a good way to hurt some feelings for sure.
“Just a stay at home mom”..? It’s not an easy job. And honestly, be supportive of what she wants to end up doing. I wouldn’t be too concerned of plans that far ahead. So many things could happen that could impact her decision. If her having a career after kids is that important to you, then tell her.
agree - this is the stuff that can make for horrible marriages. need to have honest convos on life after kids. have a few friends in this situation (spouse refuses to even discuss going back to work) and it's creating a lot of tension, financial strain. that said, people also change their mind down the road so never a guarantee
My mum is in this situation right now - my brother and I have grown up and moved out. She has a one day a week flexible bookkeeping job, which she enjoys, but mostly she’s got a very active social and volunteering life. She spends at least 2 days volunteering with local community groups, as well as caring for the elderly in our family (a surprising amount of work) hanging out with her other empty nester friends. Trust me - she fills her time!
Also, you shouldn’t discount the fact that your own parents are likely to be in need of care when you hit that phase of life - it’s a full time job!
OP - this is a great question and I think your head is in the right place! Certainly a good question to ask. I think it’s always good to have a plan in mind. If the plan unfolds accordingly, then that’s great! If not, well that’s okay too. Things change. I think you should be honest with yourself and your future spouse on expectations.