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Rising Star
The most challenging thing for my husband was to learn not to be my problem-solver. It's a great quality a lot of men have, in fixing things. However, this process is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining for your wife, and sometimes she may just need a hug and to cry on your shoulder. It's validation and comforting to have someone just hear us out that this journey is unfair and brutal.
I'd also be prepared to be flexible and patient. There will be a lot of appts, that change all the time, due to the timing of medications and cycles. Be proactive in asking what your wife would like you to go with her too, and also understand we're not given a set-in-stone calendar, you'll get a lot of "it depends timelines".
You can do this, I could have never done this without my husband. Thank you to all the partners out there in this journey with us!
- Don’t be a problem solver, unless she asks for it
- At the same time, support with the things you can support with: Go to the pharmacy for meds, handle the insurance, basically any admin stuff
- Speak to a therapist who knows the field early on. I’ve never spoken to one before, but it really helped.
- Recognize that, unless many other things in our lives, this is not an Endeavour in which ‘harder or smarter’ have meaning
- Don’t try to be the overly optimistic person. Sometimes things just suck.
- Be there, be warm, be emotional when you want to
These are lessons I learned one year in. Don’t be me. ;)
Conversation Starter
Stress, your wife’s change of mood because she will be on so much hormones, help her inject medication (my husband did), stay on top of things (sometimes the nurses can mess things up). Oh, also, during sperm collection, you will spend some time in a small room with some old timie porno. Don’t let the thought that other dudes just used this room cross your mind - it’s gross and discouraging.
Rising Star
On a note for this, my husband was VERY disappointed there were no pornos, or even magazines. It was just a mini waiting room, so have your phone haha
Stress!
the emotional roller coaster. Your wife will be on it no matter what, even without the hormones the whole thing is just a constant “is this preforming the way it should.” Just try to be on the roller coaster with her. I appreciated so much when my husband felt excited or let me vent when I needed it. I didn’t have my husband do my shots, but I had him do my trigger shot as a bit of a symbolic gesture. Just emotionally try to be available the entire time. Ask how monitoring appts go, etc.
Rising Star
Also help be an advocate, there will be times you have to be the one to push for answers, appts, etc. Being the "bad cop" helps takes stress off your wife
My husband took me to almost all my appts no matter how short they were (ultrasounds, bloodwork). I told him I felt alone on this journey and he said he’d do whatever he could to help the process.
I asked my husband your question he said everyone will handle this differently but just be there and be supportive.
The one time my husband said he was grateful of me for doing this for our family helped. But he was the one that really wanted kids which is why I was more appreciative of this comment.
Be attentive at the appts. I was super pissed when we were getting virtual lessons on how to inject several medications and he was texting. I had anxiety about it since before the process and his lack of attention made it worse. He eventually flew his mom (a nurse) to our house to help administer them for over a week and teach him. This was my moms idea though, but he did it.
Lot of good answers and all true and valid! It helps you to prepare of potential pregnancy and first year with baby! IVF is a brutal journey but it doesn’t not end with that! So, take all the recommendations suggested here and make a game plan for next 2 years! My husband tells me IVF helped him to learn how to lead when I am an emotional mess (usually I am the one driving)… oh also, might help to find a therapist for you as well.
Agree with everything said below. No matter how much you do, it can feel like such a lonely process for the female (especially during COVID when partners may not be allowed to attend appointments). So whatever you can do to be 'invested' - dealing with insurance, recognizing that it feels like a lonely process for the female, understanding and asking questions about each step of the process. These all work to show you're invested and that while she's carrying the brunt of the physical process, you're right there with her supporting her through this.
A lot of stress my friend. Just do your best to be there for your wife as you both go through this very very challenging time, and accept the fact that you will fall short sometimes.