What do you when you have a very selfish older child. My oldest - Doesn’t care about her siblings or about her parents? For example, when we get restaurant food, she rushes down , asks if she can take food, grabs the yummiest portions ( if nobody is around), & vanishes. Whereas, the younger one asks if everyone has had a serving, before he even touches it. Older one, even after advising her that it’s not good manners, she does it. She is on thanksgiving break from college & i am disappointed.

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A real sit down talk is needed so that she can hear clearly what is going on thru observations. Do not let her interfere with what you have to say, until you're done speaking. Set boundaries and rules going forward that must be adhere to.

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If it’s been ongoing since her childhood, there may be some other underlying issues going on. I don’t know what, but I’m just thinking about how my son’s disability affects his personality and decision making.

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Recommend seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. One who has experience with adolescent neurodivergent patients as mentioned.

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I’m sorry you’re having to manage this. I’m an only child but have witnessed this with my moms younger sibling and have seen an inkling of this behavior in my oldest.

The common trait I’ve seen with people who have this trait is lack of accountability. I keep repeating to my oldest that everyone has to work for whatever we each have no matter how small. As example, I explain to her that private school is a privilege and not an entitlement. We often talk about karma and how to be kind and thoughtful.

I think your oldest needs to feel some discomfort. Maybe she needs to be required to work and pay for certain things. Or the youngest choose first before
she can get to it. Or meet certain requirements before she receive something she wants. You will have to do something that’s active and not just talking.

I hope it gets better.

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OP: I have a toddler so I don't have parenting experience but just came to say that what you mentioned about expecting others to pay is exactly what my brother was and continues to be. My parents fully funded his education (bachelors and masters) and continue to fund his boarding/lodging and he continues to save all his salary. I always felt my parents missed an opportunity by funding his education fully! We all want our kids to start well in life, but perhaps if they had used the money for keeping it for rainy days (for my sibling) than give it all for his education, things would have been different.

Your oldest sounds like me. I am diagnosed with several mental health issues, including narcissism. Not trying to armchair diagnose anybody but just saying this behavior continues unless called out directly and there’s actual consequences. It’s very satisfying and EASY to just act selfishly like this all the time and to this day I don’t have close friendships because of it

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Good luck, btw. You sound very caring

I am the older sister who has a younger sibling (age difference 8 years) who is very similar to your eldest. My brother hasn't given a single gift in all the years (I am 40 and he is 32 so we have been around for a long time), and it is not just that. He lives rent free with our parents, doesn't do anything for special occasion and no gifts for anyone at all! It's not his language at all, and I have accepted it. However, partly this was because of my mom who never thought of teaching my brother the right thing to do. I don't know how to change the mentality, but I am just sharing that it's really impressive that you are noticing this and want to change.

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Therapy

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My older sister is somewhat like this. Not necessarily intentionally rude but just careless and unthoughtful of others. Her questionable personal decisions were not a phase as it continues now even in her late 30s. We aren’t super close, but still have a sibling relationship - get together for holidays, etc. We all make sure to eat before visiting her as food is rarely served even after the two hour trip and have low expectations on gifts for holidays (she has gotten my daughter the same stuffed animal 3 times in a row and does not seem to remember).

It is what it is and we have excepted it as just part of who she is. My dad died a while ago, but my mom made her will so that I am the executor of her estate, her medical power of attorney, everything. She loves my sister, we both do, but neither of us trust her with important things 🤷‍♀️.

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She has two children. And no, she has not changed. She loves her kids, but still puts herself and her needs above theirs a vast majority of the time.

I do think I am a little closer to her since she has had her kids — something we mutually love and care about brought us a little closer together. But no, it didn’t really change her at all.

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I have no advice but just sympathy OP! I hope everything works out in the long run.

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I don’t think it’s a parenting issue of right or wrong, as you’ve said your other child doesn’t behave this way. She has to take responsibility for her actions and if she still on your insurance I would recommend a psychologist and full panel blood work (including hormones) just to make sure there isn’t an imbalance somewhere. I have a friend who is a psychologist and she also suggests there is a huge correlation between diet/gut health and mental health. Just some things to consider. Good luck!

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She needs to learn accountability. And feel uncomfortable. And know that things won’t be handed to her on a silver platter.

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It’s time to set some ground rules and boundaries.
1. She asks for food. Say no until everyone else gets theirs.
2. If you eat our food, you eat with us. Otherwise grab a pack of ramen.

What have you done to allow this? It’s not a jab but someone has enabled this or it wouldn’t happen? Has she always been like this?

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We are clueless. Probably friends. My other kid is not like this.

Both parents are the epitome of sacrificing for family. Both of us have settled our families before we got married.

But, this kid started acting out from 6th grade onwards. School, exposure to rowdy friends, who would encourage her to talk badly to us, etc.

My younger one picks his friends with care. If we notice that there is something off eight one of his friends, he pays attention to it, & nips that friendship. Also, by nature he is very caring and loving child.

I just need help to make my older kid, more kind and gentle.

She gives gifts to her friends, but doesn’t care to wish family members on their birthdays. She doesn’t make good choices with friends. Every year, she changes her friends…there is no one good friend. I am afraid that she will just gram what she wants and will not care for her younger sibling, if both the parents are dead. Gives me sleeplessness.

Any methods to teach her the value of family.

Exactly what I’ve done. It does pain me to see it hurt my child every year birthdays and holidays.

Easy, she is the last to get food and her portion is given to her. Teach her right away that everyone is tired of her BS

She’s in college, way old enough to get her shit straight

Some things have to be taught. I taught my kids family comes first, no matter what. Even play the guilt trip when similar instances come up. Gentle parenting and explanations do not work the same for all children. Some have lower empathy than others and have to be shown the proper way to show love and care

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