{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "What would you do if your guy is always talking about marrying you (it’s only been 9 mo) but then gets a call from ‘the one that got away’ on Sat night at 9:30, because she’s in town?", "post_id": "5d2c7aa8b1736500213aa6f0", "reply_count": 16, "vote_count": 0, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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What would you do if your guy is always talking about marrying you (it’s only been 9 mo) but then gets a call from ‘the one that got away’ on Sat night at 9:30, because she’s in town?

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Did he call her that? If so, red flag. Some guys I know just want to get married. Find the one who wants to be married to *you*. The distinction is important.

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If someone is carrying a torch for an old flame, my advice is back peddle as fast as you can. I was in a relationship with someone like that for several years, and long story short they’re married now. When there is smoke, there is fire. You want to be with someone who’s learned from their past experiences and moved on. Otherwise, these people have a tendency to hit up their exes when your relationship hits lows, and nothing good ever comes from that.

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Yikes red flag. 9 months is also way too early imo. Take your time and get to know each other better. There’s no rush!

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I feel like timing is super dependent on age. 9 months in my 20s would have felt rushed, I don’t now. Once you’re in a stable place in your career and have had experience dating, I think it’s easier to know who you are and what you’re looking for .

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All that matters is how he is with you. Don’t worry about the noise as you can’t control it anyways.

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Just ask him about it. Have an honest conversation and if you can’t— y’all are not even remotely ready to get married.

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Pretty straightforward and definitely share your feelings about it

How did he react to the call?

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He’s not hiding it from you, and it seems like he’s not making a big deal of it. Perhaps you shouldn’t either. I honestly see it as a mature sign that someone remains friends with their exes - I have a few who I still speak with and have become friends with my husband over the years. Was awkward at first, but 12 years in, he and I are strong and trusting of each other.

Focus on how he treats you, if he is willing to listen to you express a concern without being defensive, and consider your perspective. The rest is noise

likehelpful

No, he didn’t call her that. I can just tell she’s different from his other ex’s.

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I’d also say red flags

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I would ask him if she knows about you, and ask how he feels when she calls. Would not make a big deal air seem rattled about it, just ask factually. If he said he wants to stay friends, do you have an issue, I’d say no if the expectations to her are clear. Ask if he would put her on speaker in the car with you (not that you’d want that, just to see the reaction).
I would be concerned that he spoke to you about marriage so soon, that is a bit of a small red flag, just give yourself time to know him better.

helpful

He declined it ‘cause he was in the car with me. Didn’t seem like his behavior changed at all. A few weeks ago, he was calling one of my friends from his phone since I had left mine, and handed the phone to me, so when friend didn’t pick up, I switched to recent calls to text her. The call right below my friend was this woman. I don’t know if incoming or outgoing 'cause I only saw for half a second.

So what does this mean. He still talks to her, but doesn't do so in front of you?

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Also, I don’t think he just wants to get married, he’s been in tons of LTRs and never talked about marriage before. I’m just wondering how others would handle this

Thanks guys, I guess I was hoping for more “how you would handle it” type of responses. Like, “if he said/did this, I would be fine; if he said/did that I would think...”. I have had a good convo about it with him, but since I’ve never been in this situation before I wanted to know how others would think about it and what they would do.

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