Fertility Bowl

When do you call it quits? We’ve been trying for over 2 years, 5 IUIs, 2 rounds of IVF with 4 failed transfers (1 miscarriage, 2 chemicals and 1 no implantation). We have two embryos left and will transfer those but I don’t know how much more my heart can take.

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My husband and I have been on this journey for 10 years. I have a history of stage 4 endometriosis so while we were TTC naturally I also had to undergo 3 surgeries. Then we went through 4 IVF procedures with my own eggs ( all ended up with a miscarriage). And when the all failed, as the last resort, we decided to go with an egg donor. Each time I needed time to recover from the failure and with the support of my husband lift myself up and try again. After the 4 th unsuccessful one we decided that the donor will be our last trial as it started to become too much for me to handle. Now I’m 39 weeks pregnant with a baby to be born in 2 days. Each couple needs to have a conversation of how far they are willing to go and what option is most comfortable for both parents to be. Our decision to go with an egg donor came only after years of trying with my own genetic material but some couples are more open and ready to try for a baby either with egg/sperm or even an embryo donor much sooner.

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Can I ask - what made the egg donor better? If you had your own eggs, why did those not work? Were they retrieved when you were older and therefore egg quality had diminished or some other reason?

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my partner and i have been trying since 2016. we went through almost 10 IUIs through two clinics before starting IVF. After two unsuccessful rounds, third one worked and we are 7 weeks pregnant now. do you trust your infertility doctor? Get his or her opinion on this. Best of luck. It is a hard road to travel through but you have what it takes to see this through.

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I’m so sorry if this isn’t something you want to hear, but wanted to offer perspective from friends of mine who have been through the same. One failed for many years to get pregnant on her own and ended up using a surrogate - there was one viable embryo and it worked the first time. They have a beautiful five year old who is completely genetically theirs. One was told a donor egg would lead to very good chances for her and her husband, but they were not willing to go that route. And of course, there’s adoption. I know you probably know all of this, but there are other ways to have a family as painful as this feels. Good luck and rooting for you.

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Thanks. We had considered the surrogacy route. If the second embryo doesn’t work, we may try a surrogate for the last one.

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Thanks so much everyone. This gives me hope and a lot to think about.

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I’m 6 years apart from my sister and we’re super close. I was more of a care giver when we were younger, but now the age difference seems negligible. Also re time to throw in the towel. I think you’re a badass- the amount of time and effort (not to mention money) that has gone into everything you’ve already done is amazing. Whether you decide to continue going or choose to stop, you’re making what is the best decision for you - and you’re rocking it!- don’t let anyone question your motives one way or another. Here’s how we decided what to do (though not sure its helpful for what you’re going through because of timing) My husband and I knew going into our marriage that we would have trouble getting pregnant, once we got our official infertility diagnosis we took a little trip just the 2 of us and had some very difficult conversations- “how long do we keep trying” , “what methods and treatments are we comfortable with” , and “when do we make the decision that it’s just going to be the 2 of us”. All I can say is that knowing that there was an end mark made things simultaneously a little more stressful (as we got closer and closer to that end line) and more relaxing (because there was a decided end to all the heartbreak and shots and supplements and medications and diets etc.

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So sorry your journey has been so tough. Have you thought about taking just a short break? Sometimes you just need time to heal and mourn your losses. All that in 2 years is aggressive but it doesn't mean your journey has to end here. I fully believe that the right mental state and emotional readiness is a huge component of fertility as well. After my first loss, I felt so devastated that I immediately wanted to move on and hope my next pregnancy would heal that pain but month after month of no luck just brought me more pain. I took a short 2-3 month break from continuing treatments to just mourn and heal. It made a world of a difference to me. I did therapy and felt so much better that when I was ready to start treatments again I was happy and excited and within the next 2 iuis, I was pregnant again. Keep your head up!

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The other thing I keep wondering is how far apart is too far for two kids? I originally wanted my kids 2 years apart. Now we’re at 4-5 years apart. Is there an age gap that just doesn’t make sense anymore? Part of the reason I wanted two kids was for my first to have a sibling and with such a big age gap, I’m not sure how they’ll grow up. Anyone have experience with bigger age gaps in siblings?

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I'm 8 years apart from my sister. Growing up a bit weird since she was so much older. She was old enough to change my diapers. By the time I was in elementary school she was in hs and by the time I was in hs, she was about to graduate college. We are so close. I loved that she was so much older because she could give me advice. I'm sure it was harder when I was a young child since I wanted to play and she was too old for that. Even now as I'm about to start having kids, she's already had 2, aged 7 and 3. I loved seeing her raise her children and definitely gave me another role model in addition to my parents. Overall I don't think there's a wrong age gap. Don't stress out too much about this.

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