When making small talk with other moms you don’t know well (like parents of kids’ classmates) how do you ask about what they do for a living without sounding judgmental? I often find myself asking “do you work?” but that sounds weird and judgy. Both working moms and stay at home moms are sensitive about the topic. Any suggestions on how to phrase it better?

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Posting as :
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Also for me, it’s so tough to find common ground with other moms when we aren’t in the same profession.. the other day I saw a mom from “consulting”. We recognized each other immediately bc we both had a dead look in our eyes lol

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Lol one time a mom at my kid’s school thought I was a nurse. I can only assume this was because I always showed up for drop offs/pickups in sweats and looking tired. I was like “haha no I’m not a nurse” 😭

I tend to not ask people what they do for work until it comes up organically. Americans are so consumed by this question, and it’s generally used to size people up, which is why people get annoyed by it. If you’re noticing people getting turned off in this situation, maybe just stop asking? It’s likely not critical that you know what they do or don’t do for work when making small talk, and if they become actual friends, you’ll find out eventually.

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It’s not that I must know or that I need to nail down what they do. It’s just small talk. It’s a topic that lends itself to getting to know each other better. But I will steer clear or opt for different phrasing in the future.

What are you up to during the day while your kid is in school? Or what keeps you busy?

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I really like "what (other than your kids) keeps you busy? Such great inclusive framing

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Don’t talk about work!

Honestly - try it. It’s really refreshing. I was forced to when I moved to the UK and now I try to connect to people on other aspects of their lives.

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I don’t ask about what they do. Mostly talk about the kid / stress of being a parent.

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I don’t ask what they do and dread being asked myself. No one understand my job and i find myself simplifying it to the point where it sounds useless.

I keep my chit chat to things they can hopefully identify with. Or ask for tips on mom things (even if i don’t need them).

Like - does your kid also refuse to eat vegetables? If they say yes, i crack jokes about it. If they say no, i ask them what they do/feed to get them to eat it.

If i don’t want to chat, i ask them if they’ve ever heard of Rodan and Fields. They go out of their way to avoid me after that.

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My husband is French and when we visit his relatives in France they are always amused by how much Americans talk about work. I agree though I struggle with this too… sometimes it’s hard not to talk about work since it’s such a large part of what I do. And then I don’t want to seem like a jerk who doesn’t ask someone about themselves. I like how someone above phrased it so it could be answered other ways too like hobbies, volunteering. But yeah straight up I don’t know what the hell my sister in law does all day give that she’s a SAHM but all her kids are in school.

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Thanks to everyone for the perspectives. I totally hear you that some of us (especially Americans) probably talk about work too much. It’s just such a HUGE part of my life and I am legitimately interested in what other people do too. But I’ll try to steer clear. I also like the phrasing of “what keeps you busy” so might try that too. Thank you!

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I like a very relaxed longer sentence of:
“What do you work at, or maybe *did* you work at before kids?”.
Opens up to them talking about family business or other random stuff they’ve done if they’re not currently working.

Maybe it’s ALL just delivery and practicing saying something in a nonchalant way.

Contextually w/acknowledgement that work inside the home is still work

- like ‘I would like to go to x school/community event but I am working outside the home at that time’

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