Who here makes more than their spouse? Was it always that way? How does your spouse feel about it? For those with men, do you find that the need to make more than a woman runs deep even when it’s not how someone wants to feel?

I do. It has always been that way. My spouse is 95% comfortable with it. I’m 100% comfortable. American capitalism values my skills more than his. His passions are still valuable to the world. Our income has nothing to do with our personal worth. The 5% discomfort for my spouse is about how others may judge him, mostly my Mom and others who subscribe to the patriarchy.
This is psychology, they have to work on the mental shift. I help by reminding him of his value to supporting our family (like one would for a stay at home parent).

I make more than my husband & it's always been like this. Sometimes it bothers him but not enough to do anything about it. That's really what bothers me, his lack of motivation and drive to accomplish anything more than bare minimum. He has a degree but drives a bus. I'm finishing my degree so I can keep moving forward and increase my pay which will help. I wish he would try harder.

I do, I make 55% more than hubby and for the most part has always been this way. Spouse views 'breadwinner' as the one that covers most of fixed costs and I agree. He works multiple jobs to increase his take home and covers majority of bills while my income goes towards investing/savings and excursions.

DH made 10% more than me when we started, now I make a lot more. He is actually quite capable and delivers quality work product, but he doesn’t advocate for himself (doesn’t discuss comp at all, and doesn’t change jobs), that’s why he is getting a bad deal. We are supposed to be in our prime, making $$$ but he is overworked and underpaid and his inability to maintain boundaries carry into family life.

I make a lot more but 100% due to choice of sector - finance vs tech; delta was much smaller when we first started dating but comp ramp is steeper in finance. I’m 100% fine with it, think he’s 95% okay with it (his mom was the breadwinner). He’s still working to progress and grow which I think is more important than the absolute $ but he’s no slouch in that manner either… Most importantly, he supports my happiness and career, cheers my successes, helps me navigate failures, and I do the best to do the same for him. We’re a team.

I make more (×2) but it wasn't always like this as I moved to his country without a job and 8 months later I got a job making 15k, more per annum. Then I started another job last year making double his current pay. He doesn't know exactly how much I earn and assumes it's still 15k more. When I got the first job he made some nasty comments that I was lying about my pay after all I was a foreigner without prior experience in his country. But when I showed him my offer letter he started complaining how I'm being paid more than locals, yet I hold a PhD, MSc, MBA, ACCA and had already worked 10 years in my home country. That's why I didn't tell him how much more I got offered in my current role. We also signed a prenup which stated that out finances will remain separate, which was due to his fear of being exploited by "a foreign African woman" , which was what his friends and family advised. For the household I pay for Groceries and he pays all other Bill's, and we don't pay rent as he inherited the house we live in from his relatives. He insists that he wants to be the man in the relationship, and I don't insist.

I have heard him speak to his relatives and friends about my pay and for some reason they all seem to doubt it or question the kind of activities the company I'm working for engages in. I guess they still struggle reconciling the negative African woman stereotype perpetuated by the media and whom I am.

My husband and I have always been relatively close in base comp, but I have had a better run with bonuses. I had 2 years with retention bonuses and other incentives where I almost doubled my husbands total comp. He enjoyed our vacations and savings growing so no complaints from him! Now he has a slightly higher base but on paper I have a higher total comp. It’s not a competition for us. I took 6 months of unpaid leave to stay home with our first child when he got a big bump in base and he was supportive whether I made nothing or double what he made.

I do, it wasn’t always like this, he used to make twice as much as I do until I started making more than him about two years ago. It wasn’t a struggle for me, I grew up in a single parent household with my mom being the main provider. Women making more than men is actually more of a norm for me. But It was a struggle for him because he grew up in a traditional family where mom is a home maker and dad brings home the money. He started to feel insecure and started wanting to go back to school and such. I supported his decision and reassures him that it doesn’t really matter who makes more. I see other friends that struggle with this though, women feel like the men needs to make more just because “it feels right” and then leave their partners if they don’t keep up with them.


PS, we have a shared savings but we have separate accounts as well, so maybe that’s the reason why it’s not a big deal for me.

I’m not married but my parter makes about $30k whereas I make about $46k. He finds it weird and feels bad that he doesn’t make more money, like he’s not good enough for me but we don’t even live together. It doesn’t bother me and he does sometimes joke that he has a sugar momma 😂
The real joke is on me though because he absolutely LOVES his job whereas I am miserable every single day 🤷🏼‍♀️

I make more and it’s always been that way. I honestly hope to make enough to support us/our future family so he can pursue a more meaningful job, even if it doesn’t pay great.

I do and always have. (Straight female here; male spouse.) He takes care of our investment rental properties and is the primary “kid taxi” for all my son’s activities. He hasn’t had a regular job in a while. It’s worked out well for us so far, and was especially helpful when we could stop paying for afterschool care/child care. We live on one income and are in a relatively LCOL city. The rentals are his “job,” and though they’re mildly profitable it’s not like we’re making a ton on them every month - they’re an investment and his way of contributing to our retirement at some point. He seems to like it - he has a ton of control over his schedule when the rentals are in low-maintenance mode and can do fun things with our son over the summer, etc. Honestly his life is a lot less stressful than mine!

My husband is a blue collar worker and makes less, though intially he made more. He says he's fine with it, but I always suspect a corner of his mind wishes he were the higher income earner because he takes pride in providing for our family. He's likely at the peak of what he can do in terms of career moves unless he wanted to go into management (which he has no interest) and I still have room for additional growth. We've never been at odds about it and we keep our finances joint, so it's all "ours" anyway. I've also always found it interesting that he's more money motivated woman boss than I am, despite the difference in our salaries.

I make more than my SO and have for the past few years. Our base pay is close, but my bonus is significantly higher. He’s completely okay with it and is super supportive. We’ve kept our finances separate and we split expenses evenly. I contribute more on vacations, etc. though

Really interesting thread!! My husband and I are working in the same industry. Sometimes I’m making more and sometimes he’s making more. I look at it as market research to help us feel like we’re not leaving money on the table so long as there’s not wild, unexplained differences in pay between us. Though I do think he is competitive in terms of out earning what he knows or perceives his friends and peers to be paid… I don’t feel he competes with me.

Earlier we were both making similar money but in the last 6 months, things changed. First he had an external offer with ~30% bump. And he was super happy. I was also quite content with my company and where I was, but an external opportunity came by offering me 60% hike few weeks back. While he is happy for me, but he is quite disappointed in himself and as much as he would show pride in what I landed with, I sense a tinge of 'oh you got lucky and I settled for less, I have a demanding job (consulting) and deserve much more than you do'. He is with the largest consulting company now but unhappy because he feels short changed and that has had a terribly negative impact on the atmosphere at home.

I’ve always made significantly more- my partner loves it. It means we have more money and he doesn’t have to work a more demanding job to get more money.

I do. My husband actually stays at home with our kids. Our son has special needs. Him staying at home is invaluable to us. It’s never been an issue for us. Our money is ours.

I am female and spouse is male :) I just got a new job where I make more and have the potential to make much more than my husband. It hasn’t been a big deal to him at all and he is very supportive and encouraging. He grew up in a more conservative household, but he has never once been insecure about me making more. This was something we talked a lot about while dating because it’s important to me that we stay on the same page. If anything, I’ve internalized the rigid and more traditional gender roles that I witnessed growing up more than him and it’s hard for me sometimes. He wants to make a career change at some point so who knows who will be making more in the future. It doesn’t really matter to either of us because we both support one another’s dreams and personal happiness!
We share all our finances. We had things split at first, but now it just makes more sense to have things combined. We try to save around 40% of our income and give ourselves a small allowance for each of us and the rest of bills and groceries and shared expenses come from our combined bucket.