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My husband and I met in college so to the extent he is “richer” it happened during the course of our relationship.
Anyway, the main thing for me is his career just comes first, especially now that we have kids. He makes more than 10x more than me. I struggle with that a bit because while I enjoy the peace of mind, I didn’t ask for that or the attendant imbalance. He still steps up like with childcare when COVID caused our nanny to stay home, but I still feel like I have a “hobby” job even though it’s breadwinner money for most people. I don’t know if I’ll continue working once our kids are too old to justify having a nanny. Not because I don’t want to, but because it probably won’t make sense for our household to cobble together before and after care or expect him to meaningfully cover days off, school breaks, etc.
We used to fight about money a lot because he came from an extremely frugal background (poor immigrants vs middle class American) but that’s eased up a lot now that we have enough such that everyday purchases don’t really have much of an impact.
Chief
No partner should treat your job like a hobby job unless it’s actually your hobby. That’s a red flag imo. It’s still your full-time job and it’s important to you. He should respect that regardless of the income disparity.
Pro
Couple experiences here:
- my parents have a pay ratio of 3:1 - they constantly fight over how much money to spend on things, dig at each other for either not contributing enough or not having good enough qualities to manage the money. We were strapped for money during ‘08 which made it worse between tuition and mortgage payments
- my fiancé makes 3-4x my salary. He puts no pressure on me and emphasizes that my happiness is priority, but I can’t help but feel incompetent, especially since we have the same educational background. We sometimes disagree on how to invest and track spending, but usually try to meet in the middle. Just makes me nervous when he drops thousands on shoes, while I walk work to save a $2.75 subway swipe
The biggest challenge for me is the difference in in mindsets. He doesn’t think twice about spending hundreds of dollars. He’s never been very ambitious because he never had to be - and I’m okay with that. We work because he recognizes his privilege and we’re on the same page of long term financial goals for our family and how we will raise our kids.
I don’t think that it’s bad if you want that and are willing to accept foregone progression, part time work, flex arrangements or even quitting altogether.
Spending habits are out of control until recently with his business taking a hit. He would also make comments “well I paid for it so it means it’s mine.” Anyway I just threw it back in his face, like he “paid” for our dog so he can take care of it, etc. Only when it’s convenient for him that he brings it up. Now he can’t complain that he pays for everything (even though that was our original arrangement, he pays for everything and I save since he isn’t a saver) which is unfair considering he makes 2x more than me. Also when we started dating he said I wouldn’t have to work if I didn’t want to but given his comments around money it made me uneasy to give him that power.
Yikes
Chief
🤮
Is it bad to want a man to out earn you so that I can eventually be the hobby job one and be the child rearer when the time comes? On a side note. What kind of jobs make 10x ours. That’s crazy money