{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Would you be turned off by a guy who asks you out on a coffee date and then has you pay for your own coffee? I ordered at the register first (he ordered right after me) and when the cashier asked if we were paying together or separately, he said separately. He has a high paying job", "post_id": "61dbc8a5075bf50036014fb9", "reply_count": 137, "vote_count": 15, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Would you be turned off by a guy who asks you out on a coffee date and then has you pay for your own coffee? I ordered at the register first (he ordered right after me) and when the cashier asked if we were paying together or separately, he said separately. He has a high paying job

likefunny
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Something similar happened to me on a first date a month ago, except the guy avoided the in person awkwardness by showing up early, ordering himself (and his house) coffee, and was already waiting for me outside the shop at the time of our date. He asked me if I wanted to go in to get coffee while he waited outside before our walk. I was taken aback, and I would be in your situation as well. It's a coffee! Plus we were both in our early 30s and not starving students. It's not about the money, which I don't need. It's a symbol of courtesy, generosity, and effort in making a good impression. The comments above on how dating sets the tone are interesting to me, because I've had 2 long term relationships start off with splitting everything, and in both cases I ended up becoming the one paying for everything. The sugar momma, I cringe to say. So based on my personal experience those remarks don't resonate. I always order minimally and offer to split checks, but I do take it as a warning sign if the guy takes me up on it on dates 1-3. I wouldn't see this guy again unless he dazzled you in other ways or there's some mitigating factor (i.e. he's a starving student). Or if this wasn't date 1-3.

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Also ask yourself- do I really want to date a starving student?

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My husband and I have been married for 15 years and it started with a similar situation. We went bowling and he goes “man I am hungry!” Got himself a sandwich and just ate it without asking if I wanted half or offering to get me one. Just like ate it while we were bowling and even did the “this is a good one - I need to find the guy back there and tell him this a great sandwich” to a point I thought he was playing me a bit. I never said anything because I didn’t have cash to get a sandwich and they only took cash. He paid for bowling but it was a 2 for one bowling deal so he really paid for 1 ticket and let me have the freebie. Anyways. We had a good time and I suggested afterwards that we grab a bite to eat and he legit was like “naw I am not hungry” so I thought OK bye. After a few weeks he reached back out to go out again and apologized for being so weird. He saw me as out of his league and didn’t think it was a “date” so it wasn’t until he was telling a friend that he realized how weird he was and that I probably thought it was a date and was super apologetic about it. I asked him why he didn’t want to get dinner and he says it was because he had to poop and don’t want to be away for 10 mins and me know he took the kids to the pool. I’m still a little impressed we’re married. But my point is - you guys might not have had a shared understanding of what was happening and he might have panicked. I’d do a second date and grab another data point before making a final decision. For fun, there’s a bit with Nicole Kidman and Jimmy Fallon where Fallon realizes he went on date with Nicole Kidman and is MORTIFIED over her account of it. My poor husband felt very attacked over it haha.

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P1 - I hear you. There are so many things over the years that I’m just like 👀👀👀 In his defense, he’s got stories like this about me, too.

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I'd be a little turned off. I don't usually mind splitting but for a small thing like a coffee it feels like he's nickel-and-diming you. If he's otherwise nice I'd go for a second date but if you're on the fence this would make it a no for me.

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Yeah. I’d buy that for anyone I was with, date or no date.

Yes. And no it’s not about equality or feminism. It’s a coffee. Have some game.

likehelpful

D1 I believe the reason gender inequality is so vast is because as you highlight, expression of gender roles are often confused with distribution of equity and opportunity. It’s great that what you’ve chosen in your partnership is working for you but it doesn’t have anything to contribute to the greater society or reducing gender inequality. It’s just how you two share yourselves and your individual resources. Treating your partner, friend, family, stranger to something once in a while is just a charming thing anyone can do and that’s on having game.

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A lot of men who respect women as equals are genuinely very confused about paying on dates. They are scared to offend women by implying that they ascribe to the patriarchal assumption that men should pay. If you want a marriage of equals, date as equals. If you expect the man to pay while you’re dating, you’re establishing that his income is more vital to the relationship. Guess what that precedent means when it’s time to decide whose career is more important if someone gets a new job opportunity abroad or when it’s time for one of you to spend more time on childcare and housework?

likefunny

IMO he could ask if it’s alright if he paid for yours. Then it’s clear he’s willing and respectful. I’d agree with D2 and reserve judgement based on one thing though.

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Yeah, it would be a turn off. It’s just coffee and especially if it’s a first date and he asked. It’s just good manners. I don’t mind splitting dinners and later dates.

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No, not at all. Think the idea men should be expected to pay is silly, I want to start off as equals.

likefunny

I agree with A2, I think it would be nice if whoever initiates the date pays. Not as a show of equality or inequality, but just because it’s a nice thing to do and something you want to do for someone you like

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I would have said - “I’ll get both”

likefunnysmart

Seriously. There could be a stranger behind me and if this happened I’d probably pick up theirs to avoid the awkwardness. It’s not steak and lobster, it’s a coffee.

“Whoever’s idea it was to go on the date, should pay for the date,” according to 50 cent. I agree with him. Probs accounts for first dates, not all dates, but DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS. Some ladies prefer to split because equality and some prefer to be spoiled because tradition. Both groups of ladies have every right to want their dates to go as per their preferences.

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Yes! I always say, if I invited you, my treat! But, if someone else invited you, guy or gal, date, or not, why wouldn’t they treat? It’s just a small act of kindness when getting together.

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Yes it’s a turn off, but not because he’s the guy and he’s supposed to pay. If the cashier asked me (female), I’d also have said “together”

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Valid

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I mean maybe he is a feminist and respects you and sees you as an equal so he didn’t conform to the traditional gender roles and buy you coffee.

likefunny

It’s not feminism to not pay for a date. Gimme a break

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I wouldn’t go on a coffee date in the first place but that’s just me

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Why do you need high effort to meet someone for the first time? Effort should not be given to all first dates. I think honestly a guy should pay for coffee on first dates. It’s a few dollars, ridiculous

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THIS! Might not be able to figure this out BEFORE the first date, but should be quickly deciphered soon afterwards!

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likesmarthelpful

Oh my gosh I was about to dig this picture from Instagram. Thank you for posting this

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He asked you on a coffee date but didn't want to pay for your coffee? That would be a turnoff for me. 1. He invited you 2. It's a coffee Whenever I get coffee with a friend or a colleague (or even meet with a stranger for a coffee chat!), we never pay separately. Paying for someone's coffee is a simple kindness that is easily reciprocated.

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Based on experiences the initial clues and hints shouldn’t be ignored as they turn into bigger issues down the road.

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Absolutely not. Don't you be counting his money, sister! Since when do you expect to be equal on a date yet have the guy pay for you??

likefunny

McKinsey 2 - true for straight women who subscribe to gender roles. I am queer & I ask lots of people people out both men & women & non binary people !

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You’re right to be put off. When reflecting on previous dating experience, those that didn’t offer to pay always turned out to be terrible choices

likesmarthelpful

I actually don’t allow any man to pay for me on a first date.

likefunny

How about asking him why he asked you to pay for yours

likefunny

Please don’t haha

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Who invited? Take gender out of the equation, the host who invited should pay, at least those are the manners I was raised with... Once you're better acquainted and can be more open with each other to discuss personal things like money, then establish whatever "GROUND RULES" work for the relationship.

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This!!!!! As a queer person who dates people of all genders, yesssssss. I always pay if I invite someone out. I’m dragging you out of the comfort of your home, the least I can do is get dinner!

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