Would you sacrifice everything (where you live, job) for your partner? I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, long distance for one because of work and about to KO a now even longer distance year bc

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Not without a ring on it!

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FWIW, grad school has a bit of a different culture in my (limited) experience.

Most people in my PhD program were partnered up but not married when they started the program and their SO moved to the new city with them. Then they got married after they completed the program, a kind of double capstone to signal transition into "real life". The only folks who married their SO before they started the program were very religious and no one got married during the program. And super small N but everyone who brought their SO with them to grad school married them afterward so the commitments were pretty strong.

Their isn't a right or wrong way, just pointing out that he might not be talking to you about marriage because he is in a group with different norms.

Absolutely, a good relationship and finding someone you want to share life’s ups and downs with is rare, when you find it, hold onto it. But, make sure partner is in the same place. Jobs are easy so go for the life part of the work / life dynamic.

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It depends on your personality and relationship too. If you feel like you are “sacrificing” things for him and don’t feel like the sacrifice is appreciated by him, I think that can easily lead to resentment down the road. Ideally it should be some sort of give and take (although most people naturally are more comfortable with either giving or taking)

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Wow... I really don't think you "need" to get engaged. Kind of old fashioned advice. I think you probably want to be committed to him and feel like he is as committed to whatever future you want. But the way you describe him - definitely! Do it! You're young. No guarantee in life about anything...but if you don't take a shot, you'll regret it. Don't think of it as giving up everything. Think of it as being with him and gaining that. Your "ideal city" will be there in a year or two.

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Agree wholeheartedly with KPMG1 👆

Would he do the same for you? Also how serious is the relationship- you getting married? Having kids? Or are you his sugar mama for a while

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Agree with D1. My SO put what he wanted to do for me to pursue my career. I know he's there to support me and once I get more more established really hope to be able to 'pay it forward' by having the flexibility to move somewhere that would work better for him

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Moved halfway across the world for a man right after getting sworn in to the bar and completing my traineeship. Not sure it was a rational choice, because there was no commitment, no job prospects, it was a very difficult country and I struggled big time being so far and culture-shocked.
Yet, I don’t regret a single thing. I took the adventurous path, learned so much along the way. things between us ended up working magically, but regardless, I found an even better job where I was told I would never even find one, made awesome friends, and quickly realized that I didn’t care about his commitment; I was not ready to make one either, we had never lived in the same city in the past and I wanted to wait a little just to be sure

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I would sacrifice where I live for a 5 year relationship if I felt he was the one and everything about us demonstrated that the feeling was mutual. I would not sacrifice a job though. Even that would take a few years of marriage. And if it was a job I loved that helped me develop professionally and advance the way I wanted it to, that would be a hard sell. I would never ask my husband to give that up.

I will add, that while you two are obviously on the cusp of marriage, you have yet to live together. For me, that’s the real trial of committing to someone. Even when I was at my now-husband’s apartment almost every day, there were some major adjustments when we moved in together. We didn’t get engaged until a year later. You learn things and habits you didn’t know before. You no longer have personal space. Not saying that diminishes love, but it puts things in perspective and makes each person evaluate if they can deal with this person forever, and/or if there are things you need to work on together to make a lasting commitment without wanting to kill each other.

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Engagements are (intended to be) once in a lifetime. Don’t rush the moment. Everything needs to line up and only your hearts should be guiding the way (not a decision about jobs/living etc).

I moved from Australia to nyc for an American guy. I had no job prospects and no connections. For me, as much as I take my career and family very seriously, it was all about making the intentional decision that when it comes to the love of my life, that will always be my priority. Reminding myself that this was still and investment into myself and my future. Luckily I got the same feeling from him and after 4 years we got engaged.

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Ride or die

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If you’ve been with your boyfriend for 5 years, you need to get engaged. Even simple rings will do if money is an issue. I would move in together either close to his university or whatever is more convenient. Life is short, and investing in your relationship will pay dividends down the line. You can always move to and live in your favorite city once he is done with grad school.

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I think “need to get engaged” is a little strong. Everyone’s lives are different and you don’t know the situation. Personally, if I were still in school I would not feel ready to be engaged so maybe OP’s SO feels that way too. A lot of people don’t feel ready to get married until they have a job, financed in order, etc and are able to stand on their two feet, which often isn’t the case while in school.

That being said- if that is the case and I were in OP’s shoes, I would want to have an open conversation about the path forward and make sure we both well understand what moving there means for the relationship and future together. It’s not just some thing you’re doing on a whim - it’s a sign of your commitment and even if there is no ring yet, you need to be sure he is committed to you as well.

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Only if I could move my career and was excited about where they were going

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Why not move there now and live together now? If you are willing to pay the rent?
But, first talk to him. Tell him you are not sure you can do 2 more years like this. Brainstorm a solution. Tell him what you are willing to consider and find out what he’s willing to do.
I payed rent while my bf was in grad school but only had to move over the river. I would have moved across the country to another school bc I could work there, and told him that. I also told him I would not move to a third school choice since it was in the woods with no jobs for me nearby.
It worked out but honest discussion was key. We got engaged just before year 2.

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He likely has some support through school (Loans, grants, etc.). You already pay rent? Ask real questions, get real info.

I’ve given up my lease and moved back into my mom’s house... he is still finishing up his post grad degree (2 more years left) and lives in his parent’s home states away.... we saw each other once a week for the past year, and before that every day when we did 4 years of college as a couple - now it will be maybe once a month to month and a half because of how far apart we are. He and I talk about getting married, he is truly the love of my life - one year apart was hard, but the prospect of this next year really breaks my heart. If I can continue to work remotely, would it be crazy of me to move up by him and have him move in with me in a year, so there’s only one more year of us apart and not two? I’d be paying for nearly everything, and I’d be sacrificing my ideal city for awhile to be by his grad school... am I weak willed to suggest this? I never thought I’d move for a man, but for this man I want to

I had a roommate who did long distance for like three years between the US and the U.K. They made it work.

Unless this a city you really want to live in, a deeper commitment is warranted before doing that after 5 years.

Make sure y'all've talked about your last names once married. Apparently that is a big deal

I did and I don’t regret it! Moved internationally and now I am happily married and with a fantastic job. Try to get the best out of the experience, long distance wasn’t for me

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