Yesterday my bf asked "how did you think a long term relationship with ANYONE was possible for you if your dreams are to travel to the next big city agency to boost your career?"

Dunno what to say...

I had to choose, but I also did the hard work of assessing our relationship and if it was going to be worth the emotional taxation of a long distance relationship. I ultimately chose to leave because the job opportunity was going to do great things for my career and there had to be a reason why I hadn’t proposed after being together for four years. After a lot of time spent with it in my own head and talking to friends and family about it, I decided our relationship had sort of plateaued and I was just going through the motions because I was afraid of causing her pain and heartache and of what being single again at 35 meant. It’s ok to put your career first; just do the work measuring career ambitions against personal ambitions.

I’m struggling with this too. There is a gross power imbalance inherent in the type of relationship we all seem to want. Everyone here is saying that we need to find partners who will follow us wherever we go. But would you drop everything to follow your partner to a new city any time it might further their career? Hell no! (Right? Unless you got an awesome job there as well.) So far this thread is unanimous: YOU are the star and your partner is of secondary importance and your career controls both of your lives. Are we really only supposed to date people who blindly support our ambitions to the point where their own don’t matter, or matter less than ours?

Boy bye? You just reminded me of shit my bf of 10 years used to say (I broke up with him, now 5 years ago). I’m lucky I ended up where I am today (mostly out of my own stubbornness and drive). You need to do you. It is possible to have a LTR. Just not with him, clearly. He’s telling you this now. Believe him and cut him loose. I didn’t and I lost a decade of my life to “some dudes" bullshit because I didn’t think I was worth anything more. You are worth more!

I think when you know you know. I always thought it was my way, and my way only, and if someone wanted to go somewhere else for work than I was better off without them. Now my girlfriend and I just bought a house together, and if she wanted to go to Idaho, Alaska, or Mississippi, I’d suck it up and do it because she is what makes me the happiest at the end of the day. Not what’s outside my window. When you’re with the right person you’ll both know it. I’d recommend leaving him if he doesn’t admire and want to help you pursue your dreams and aspirations.

When I was in your shoes, my boyfriend at the time moved with me. It wasn’t easy, but it was so so worth it.

The best thing I’ve ever done for my career is move. (And it turns out— for his career too!) This is going to sound cold as hell, but even if he hadnt come with me, I wouldnt change my decision. And we’re married now 😂

I didn’t know how badly I needed not only a change in scenery and a new adventure, but also more creative fulfillment and talented people to meet! I am a much happier, more well rounded person than I was before.

@OP There is no special formula. You just have to find that person whose dreams are your dreams and they’re willing to take risks and chances by your side. I come from a big city and my SO grew up in rural towns, yet there are always two types of people: Those who move around and take chances and those who are complacent and like to stay put.

My relationship started long distance until my [now] wife made the 6 hr move. Agency jobs seem to be diminishing where I’m at and we are both growing tired of this particular city. So I had open and honest conversations of “Would you move with me if a better job opportunity came up in California, New York, Georgia, etc?” Her reply was “Absolutely.”

I’m sure the dynamics change when both of you have careers as at the moment we are a one income household. However, the key to success is the same. Find that person that never want to leave your side no matter where you go or what you do. If you pick up and move 5 times in the next 5 years then so be it. You apply to jobs for the two of you, they’ll pack, and you two go out and explore the world together.

Thank you all for the perspectives! Keep 'em coming!!

I plan on showing him this thread and talking through the answers. The more personal experiences you all share, the better for this conversation, I think. Wish me luck 🤞🏿

My wife and I have moved to 2 countries and 6 cities. Sometimes we moved because I got a better job and sometimes because she did. We’re all in for each other. Of course we don’t take a move lightly, and nobody should. We talk about it a lot and negotiate and compromise. That’s what relationships are about .

Bottom line: YOU KNOW whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. And if that person IS THE RIGHT ONE, they will support your career choices. It’s THAT simple. And, if you’re under 30, MOVE ON!!! You haven’t lived life yet.

SCP1, disagree. If he's willing to belittle her life like that, the relationship isn't worth trying to save

Dump him.

If you are the “bread winner”, the one with ambition, the one who controls the relationship—- don’t give up your ambition — they will never change. You will feel stuck even if you managed to have it all. You yourself will sacrifice too much

Looks like he wanted a long term and you weren’t sure at the start but you’re attached now which makes this a tough decision. In my opinion most people are not worth it and I’d move for your career which is for sure going to stay with you.

However I do think that this would be very difficult with my current partner... though I can see her being open to moving with me. Then again her industry tends to be where advertising thrives as well so it kinda works out and we’re both early in our careers.

Best of luck OP. This kinda shit always sucks. But don’t just stay to avoid heartbreakage. You may resent him and, worse, yourself.

this is why i have remained single since college. i can barley drag my own ass around so two of us? forget it

People who weather change well exist. People who support your ambitions and find ways to bend around your dreams exist. I’m partnered with one thankfully. It’s meant periods of living in different cities and some less than ideal circumstances but if you both want it to work bad enough you’ll work it out.

I left my high school sweetheart after college for a job. Loved her. Dated someone else for 6 years, she was great. Loved her too. Moved for another job. During the entire time I always kept in contact with my high school sweetheart. She did her thing I did mine. We were still friends.

We’re married now and have two baby girls! Best thing ever.

Life is meant to be lived and you have choices that have consequences. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. Your partner has just as much choice as you do.

If you’re young and in your 20’s. I’d live life to fullest. Don’t waste those years and have fun! Don’t sacrifice anything for Advertising unless you really see yourself having s great time! Life is short.

It sounds like your boyfriend thinks something other than you is more important to him if he’s throwing it in your face and not keeping an open mind himself. Maybe he’s afraid to admit it, but it’s OK to move on from him if he’s not willing to move with you and you truly believe in your heart and mind and gut that your career is most important.

This is what supportive couples do when they love each other. That’s what you say.

I'm considering a job offer in another city which would be great for my career but my relationship would end.

I didn't think that being ambitious meant I can't also want a long term relationship. I didn't think I'd always have to choose. Did y'all have to choose? Did your partners just follow you to where your opportunities are?