how do I come off less harsh or strong in the work setting?

Ask yourself if you would be asking this if you were a man

Yeah, you’re not going to like this answer.

Smile more. Ask things you know are facts like questions. Ask other people for their opinion once you propose an answer. Tell people their ideas are good even if they aren’t.

Basically, make other people feel like they’re the smartest person in the room, while shrinking yourself to make room for them.

That said, whoever told you this can eff right off. I’d be willing to bet you’re direct, not harsh. And your strength is something that would never be seen as a negative if you were a man.

Sure, there’s always room to learn the game. But, always ask yourself “would I be getting this feedback if I were a man?” Consider other men you’ve worked with and pay attention to how they act. If they answer is no, take this feedback with a grain of salt.

If you continuously get this feedback over the next few years of your career—or start getting it from women, too—ask a more senior woman you trust what is it that you might be doing to get this feedback. Then, ask how’d they’d navigate it.

But, again, don’t play into this b.s. misogyny just yet.

Stop! Who is telling you this? Give context to their feedback.

Edibles

Ask for other peoples opinion, thoughts or feedback (even tho you really don’t care)

ACD1’s comment is spot on. I’m the CD who always recommends reading “Machiavelli for Women,” and I’m going to do it again. 😉

As things stand now, latent misogyny causes women to be judged for behaving in a way that doesn’t fit into what is culturally expected from us. But you can know it’s BS and be furious about it while still gaming the system.

Agree with everyone above, whoever gave you that criticism can shove it.

But, if it’s something you notice in yourself and you want to soften your approach for your own personal reasons, if you’re looking to soften your approach to giving negative feedback on work or something I always like the pro-con-con-pro approach. Always find at least one or two things to compliment (even if it’s small like “oh I like the wording you use here”) and sandwich some of the more negative criticism in between the positive. And always remember the goal of our work — to produce the best work possible in the best environment possible. Always try to end on a positive & keep all comments strictly focused on the work rather than any external factors, but NEVER apologize for your thoughts; you were hired for your brain, they want to hear your ideas :)

Context is key - who thinks you’re being too harsh? People you manage, people who manage you, or others you work with?

If it’s people you manage, build relationships. The best thing you can offer those people is your time, and they will discover you aren’t harsh (or really, you aren’t malicious), but busy, direct and not there to play games. You’ll also discover quirks about those people and how to adjust for them (like maybe Bob hates when you set meetings with no agendas other than “quick check-in” because he thinks he’s in trouble, but Jane will see the same thing and assume it’s nothing more than a quick check-in.)

If it’s people managing you, they probably don’t feel respected if you come off harsh to them personally or they are worried about how you’re seen in the workplace if they hear from others. See if you can dig into the feedback a little more for specific examples and course-correct where necessary. Don’t immediately jump to smiling more and becoming a “yes man.”

If it is others you work with, know it’s probably at least 50% deflection from themselves (“well Mary Sue is so harsh it’s hard for anyone to please her, I don’t know what you expect boss”). The rest can probably be addressed by a combo of the above tactics (relationship-building, digging into specific examples) but smiling more and giving up your decisiveness is not the answer.

Mix in random humor. Invest time in learning about people’s lives outside of work, but other than that - stay the course.

Consider who is giving the feedback. Remember that feedback is a suggestion. Decide if the feedback is legitimate and something you want to invest in changing. We can’t change who we are and research will tell you new habits and behavior are incredibly difficult to master. Therefore, do what feels natural for you to get the response you’re after.

If it was a male colleague who gave you this advice, I’d take it with a grain of salt.