If your boyfriend was engaged before is it fair to expect he spend the same or more on a ring for you? This came up and he said he’d never spend that much on someone again. His ex cheated so I understand to some extent but it still hurt to hear. I know it’s just a thing at the end of the day but for some reason it feels like being valued less than his ex. Curious if anyone has been in this position.

Never been in this position, but that is wild of him to verbalize that to you. The two relationships should be distinct enough in his mind. Hopefully, he’s just saying that out of residual hurt, and hopefully, he gets to a place where he can trust again wholeheartedly [before proposing to you].

I think it’s a tacky response on his part. Nothing about his previous misjudgment should have anything to do with you.

My husband was previously married. I had never been married or engaged before. He is a vastly different person than he was then, and I'm a completely different person than his ex. We have cheap rings because we decided together that we'd rather spend our money on travel and a house. I'm perfectly content with that.....because it was a mutual decision and reflects what I want.

However, if he had told me flat out he was unwilling to spend on me what he'd spent on his ex, that would certainly have raised questions and probably a lot of hurt for me.

If you're already sensing he doesn't value you, or that he still has feelings for his ex, this would probably be a red flag.

If you're secure in the relationship, I would probably try to approach it from the perspective of that being an extremely poor choice of phrasing and ask questions to confirm where he's coming from. Is it because he doesn't value you and doesn't plan to commit to or invest in the *relationship*, or is it because he now understands that buying someone a flashy ring isn't the best way of investing in a relationship (but he's committed to putting in the work and showing you he values you in other ways)?

Objectively that's what I would suggest.

But I remember struggling my first couple of years with feeling like I was second choice/getting the leftovers, and I remember the difficult emotions with that. Here's wishing you the best in all things!

wow that he said that to you! i would be hurt by it tbh. i think your expectation is perfectly fair, and i understand where you’re coming from on feeling “less valuable”

I can’t speak for him, but generally I’d interpret that not as you’re valued less than his ex, but that he’s a different person now

Like it’s not about you v. her

Overall i agree with Associate 1. Hoping for the best for you💖

I have a few questions to better understand the context and better understand why he’d say something like that to you but I understand if you don’t want to answer them. Are you the first person he dated since his ex? Did they get married or was it a broken engagement? How did this conversation come up? How long ago was the breakup?

Your feelings are valid either way though. An engagement ring doesn’t determine your value. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he could have overextended himself for the prior engagement ring and now he wants to be more financially responsible. Maybe he doesn’t think he has to buy your love in the same way he felt he had to in his prior relationship, which for a long term relationship is a good thing.

Never been in this position but if he’s holding on to that hurt/resentment/whatever you call it, I would question why it is he’s not letting go. And if it’s something that will impede your marriage. It just seems that there’s something unresolved there, and I would try to understand that better before going into a marriage!

Yeah that wouldn’t sit well with me lol. Men really need to learn what not to say. Ugh.

You deserve the best ring

No. If you want to be compared to her, by all means mimic the things she did....😬