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I can understand your anxiety and fear. That said the person who is abusing you is counting on you being afraid. On doing nothing. The the only way to overcome your fear is to act. Do not let fear control you. Do not let fear make the decision for you. I’m not sure what you want your brother to do, but unless he is an attorney or a police officer then he really can’t legally help you. If you’re counting on your brother to rescue you, clearly he does not intend to do that if he has not responded.
You must rescue yourself. You can do this. Call an attorney on Monday. Do not tell yourself that you can do it on Tuesday or Wednesday or later in the week. Tell yourself you must do it on Monday. Then pick up the phone and do it.
Maybe people at your firm will learn about your situation. Maybe they won’t. If they do then, if they are worthy of your friendship, they will support you. They will be proud of you for standing up for yourself. For being decisive. For not being an abused person. If they are anything but supportive, then they are not worthy of your friendship or respect.
One of the hardest things in life is to be your own supporter. Yet you must do this because everyone is not going to support you. You will always deal with people who want to tear you down. And consider this, if you do not do what you need to do to get away from this abusive situation, what will your future be? Are you going to let someone who is abusive control your life? You have put yourself through law school and worked hard to get where you are. Do not let someone else control your future.
You can do this. Making that call is the first step.
Pro
Does it have to be your brother? Do you have other family members like cousins who can help? Or maybe a friend? Do you have a therapist you can talk to? You need to focus on building a support network beyond one person.
Please seek help and do whatever you need to do to get out of your situation. There is no shame in getting help and advocating for yourself.
Many years ago two women at a company I used to work at left their abusive husbands. No one at work judged them. Instead, we did everything we could to help. One woman was so badly abused that she had a seizure and couldn't drive herself for many months. We arranged a carpool to make sure she could continue to work to support herself and so that she didn't lose her job. The other's husband made a threat, so we hired an armed guard to protect the office and took turns moving her car during the day to make it harder for him to find her.
I know an attorney at a very respectable firm who has a restraining order against an ex. No one has ever brought it up or found out outside her friends. Also, safety >>>> career. If your workplace is the kind of place that would judge you or oust you for this, you don’t want to work there anyway.
I understand the fear. That is what this person is counting on - that you will be afraid to expose him or her. Beat them to the punch. Alleged the allegations in the petition/complaint and standby those allegations. Don’t exaggerate but alleged what you can prove. When people start trying to gaslight you and say that you do not understand or you do not really know, your response should be something to the effect of “I do not imagine facts.“
Take pictures if this involves physical abuse. If this involves mental abuse, surreptitiously record conversations in which you are a party. (check your state law on.) If this situation involves emails, consider your email response and start responding in an appropriate manner that will establish your position.
You have two choices and only two choices – you can live in fear and do nothing because someone cannot come rescue you without you making the decision to move forward and fight. OR you can say enough. I am not going to live like this and allow someone else to abuse and control me.
I think everyone wishes that there was a different solution – a different way out of the situation – but there isn’t. As long as that person is in your life you have those two choices.
As far as your reputation and your work, if you participate in a legal proceeding, I do not think that your firm can fire you for participating in a legal proceeding. If you are concerned about your reputation, just make sure that you do your job to the highest level, represent your clients, and make sure your clients are happy. As long as your clients are happy and you were bringing in money the firm is not going to want to fire you.
Is it possible that you will have to live with some gossip? Yes. If so, hold your head high and know that you made the choice to protect yourself and live your life. This is what I meant when I said, you must become your own supporter, your own cheerleader. Seek a support group where others will reaffirm your choices and give you advice about your choices and decisions. Consider counseling. If you cannot afford counseling, there are free service services.
Again, you have two choices. Everyone on this discussion has told you that you need to get out of this situation. Everyone has been supportive. Now you must make the decision to get out and to support yourself. Don’t get me wrong – I know this is scary. What I’m telling you is that you can live a life in fear and being abused with the hope that one day this person will magically disappear, or you can take action and get this person out of your life.
I was in a similar situation last year, except we were married and had a newborn. As others have said, the shame and embarrassment of revealing the abuse are tools the abuser will keep you from leaving. Additionally, your abuser may have isolated you so much from loved ones that you feel like you have no one to turn to.
In addition to reaching out to an attorney, I’d recommend reaching out to your local domestic violence agency, and finding a counselor who is DV informed. These are great resources if you feel like you do not have people you are close to who you can confide in. They are also confidential, nonjudgmental, and knowledgeable resources who will remain on your side and help you create a safety plan, even if you are not ready to leave or you go back to your abuser. Leaving is so hard. Staying gone is harder. You’ll feel like you are going through a withdrawal for months.
Personally, I told one partner I am close to at work who then had confidential conversations with my practice group leader and someone in HR. They blocked his email addresses and phone numbers firm-wide. I’ve since told other colleagues I am close to. Everyone has been extremely supportive. Honestly, at the time I left I was so scared that I didn’t care about being embarrassed anymore.
I think unless you have been in this situation or have had loved ones in it, it is so easy to think that it would never happen to you. That is completely false. It happens across all socio-economic backgrounds, education levels, professions, and races. You are not alone and you are not weak. You do not deserve what you are going through. You are strong enough to leave, and things will get better.
If you’d like book or podcast resources, I recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and listening to Why She Stayed and When Dating Hurts.
I did go through a similar situation. I went to the courthouse and filed my paperwork directly with the clerk’s office. I focused on keeping my situation confidential so I could go to work and not have everyone asking me questions all the time. This worked out well for me because I could go to work and life seemed normal and helped me move forward and beyond the situation.
SP1 - good for you for doing the hard work of escaping your abuser and moving on with your best life! I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s, and folks who haven’t lived it just do not understand how hard it is to get out and move on - on (SO) many levels.
OP - pull the rip cord on your abuser. Get a restraining order. Your abuser is the bad person, NOT you. It would be a very rare outlier sort of person who would impute your abuser’s behavior as saying anything about you whatsoever (professionally or otherwise). And your professional contacts are unlikely to know anything about all of this regardless.
If you cannot afford legal assistance, go to a law school near you and inquire about DV pro bono help. There are also (free) public programs available for this scenario.
Get out before abuser does something they cannot take back and permanently harms you (even more than you have already been harmed - the emotional scars are real and will take time to heal. Professional counseling is my advice to help you work through that).
This is NOT your fault. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Take care of yourself. Protect yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Others have said really powerful things, which I echo, but also chiming in to add that anecdotally, at the two firms I’ve worked at, HR can be really helpful in these situations and it can be in your best interest to alert them in advance that you’re taking action (my firm also has paid leave for this on a strictly confidential basis where no one but HR would know and it would be considered a severe breach of policy for anyone in your practice group to find out). Even if your firm doesn’t have that specific policy, I think it’s representative of a sentiment in the market. HR may have recommendations on counsel. Feel free to DM me if you need support! I’m on maternity leave, so have time to be part of your village!
I have had a tumultuous relationship history (including two divorces) while spending my entire career in corporate America where reputation is everything. Most recently, I changed offices to get away from an abusive non-marriage relationship. Some of my colleagues know details, most don’t. To be honest, no one is that invested in what you have going on the way you think they are. We sometimes amplify our own importance in other people’s worlds - everybody is going through things. His mom has cancer - he’s not thinking about you. Her kid’s on drugs - she’s not thinking about you. He’s up for a promotion - he’s not thinking about his own love life, let alone yours. She has to fire someone - she’s not thinking about what someone said about you in passing a week ago.
I get it. “How did I get here?” “This is so unprofessional.” “What will people think?” “Letting” yourself be abused, especially as a high performing professional, is embarrassing. It’s not your fault. Forgive yourself and save yourself. The life on the other side of getting away will not be worse than the day to day you are living. Document everything, protect yourself physically, don’t give this person any benefit of any doubt, and prepare for the legal part.
Your peers would want you to be safe and happy. It's a known fact that it takes victims many attempts to leave before they successfully leave an abuser. I guarantee your colleagues would want to try to help you if they knew. No one wants to see you stuck in that situation.