Seeking advice: feeling a bit desperate - has anyone here dealt with financial infidelity? Wife was responsible for our financial management and recently found out shes put us into significant (10-15k debt). I’ve found out about this 4 other times - each time I’ve cleared the debt or we used equity loans from our house. Each time she said she said it was due to stress that she hasn’t stayed on top of spending and I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt (new baby, new job, etc). CONT

OP: a lot of good (and in some cases well-intentioned, but misleading) advice was already brought up.

I would have to say you need to treat this as a war plan, with some points spelled out and others behind scenes.

First, stop the bleeding by plan of action. It may be tough, depending on the state you live in - marital debt is still marital debt regardless of whether you cut her credit cards. If she was willing to “step outside” before, it’s a sign she’ll do it again - likely with a vengeance, as now in her head you’re “too controlling”. I know it sounds ironic to the point of crazy, but rationalizing why someone has the right to do something wrong (typically blaming others) is not unheard of.

Typical steps people suggest, done in coordination with your wife:
* Place a security freeze with each of the three major credit reporting agencies - it’s not fool proof, and if she’s truly addicted she can reinstate that within an hour. You can setup monitoring and notification in case it does happen.

* Cutting up or removing credit cards: While this doesn't prevent new applications, it removes the immediate temptation of using existing cards for compulsive purchases. Some have even gone creative, freezing cc in a block of ice to create a "cooling off" period before using them.

* Opting out of prescreened offers and any mail that contains offers of ANY sort. Even if you have to take charge of your mailbox (or transfer mail to pobox).

Either way, seek professional help if someone who specializes in this specifically, not just a random counselor. She should join support groups like Debtors Anonymous or Shopaholics Anonymous offer a supportive environment for individuals to share experiences and learn strategies for recovery.
Implementing spending controls: Creating a budget, tracking expenses, using cash instead of credit, and avoiding shopping triggers can help manage spending habits.

Non-typical steps:

* As far as long term, you need to treat this seriously as of yesterday. Make sure you both understand that either she reins it in, or you need to split - and it can NOT be just words, but something that needs to be drafted as a postnuptial agreement, with lawyers (one for each of you), which includes clear delineation and separation assets in the favor of the party that was wronged in case this does lead to divorce. Do it regardless of any outcome. Make sure she understands it’s not punishment, but part of consequences of her actions, and what you need to feel safer while she attempts to take charge of this. If it makes her happier, put a 5 or 10 year limit on post-nuptial, but do not allow to be sidetracked from this.

* unless other family members in her household are afflicted with the same issue, I would say it might make sense to bring them into the fold. If threat of divorce may not be enough, indirect shame might rein it in where poor self-control did not. But again, make sure to vet properly, to make sure someone from her past is not the one who enabled it to begin with !!!

* if you have kids in the house, make sure to have family meeting to explain what is going on, and changes to expect. Kids will provide more reinforcement that you can possibly imagine.

No words of wisdom can give 💯 % guarantee, as this is a journey.

Leave her!

This time I absolutely lost it and went through 4 years of financial records to figure out what was really going on. Shes been overspending for years and not checking. Sometimes as high as 4K/m while I contributed almost double to family account. Shes now blown through 100% of our family savings and 100% of her personal savings. I can’t shake the feeling that somethings wrong with her mental health but she refuses to take responsibility for it (a mistake, not a big deal, etc). We saw a councillor who seems to be minimizing and saying shes trying but she can’t seem to stop spending. She says she’s going to do better, but I feel like I’ve lost all trust and respect for her. Not sure what to do.

You’ve gotta take control.

How do you not find out for years? Our accounts are joint except for my wife’s spending account and money goes into that every month and she’s free to spend it how she wants. That’s the only thing we have separate and that’s to help her actually spend her money

Is she working? If not than take full control on finances, if yes than leave her to expense her salary alone don’t question or neither don’t ask her to do any contribution in home expense, that’s how women’s wants to live.

My spouse and I have not found balance and have encountered similar financial difficulties. Their impulse spending is out of control!

I dont have words of wisdom but wanted to say you aren't alone.

I am sorry this is happening. It sounds like a shopping addiction. Say she had an addiction to cigarettes and kicked the habit. Yay! Sometimes, what happens is transfer addiction. The addiction brain only knows addiction. This is what their mental and physical state feel comfortable with...its routine. This is why it hasn't stopped. When she shops, she releases dopamine, and the hits need to be stronger, so the spending is worse. She absolutely needs to speak to a psychiatrist and a counselor. You will most likely have to give a mn ultimatum of sorts. I am not a fan of ultimatums, but this isn't your first go around with this problem. You will need to gain control of the finances. If possible, meet with a financial planner and have them help you iron all of this out. She must be part of the discussion. She is not listening to you, so maybe a financial planner will help.

This is drastic, but considering this is the 4th or 5th time it's happened....you have to. She will dislike you. You need to tell her it's for your family, and that includes her.
Take her off all of the accounts and anything she has signing power on, open a secondary account, and start putting all of the money into said account and pay bills from the account. Put bills on auto pay if this feels overwhelming. You need to give her an "allowance" for fun stuff, and that's it . She needs to seek professional hell for her mental health disruption, and she needs to sit with a financial planner alone to learn about.

I wish you all the best.

Do you love her ? There is such a thing as shopping addiction. Maybe she needs to seek help just for her versus couple therapy.