Anyone who is the primary breadwinner, frugal, and the one who does the vast majority of the emotional labor, executive functioning, and financial, family and household work, with a partner who behaves like things are way more equal and doesn’t seem to be bothered when you are struggling, unless and until it affects them? My partner purports to love me, yet I feel abandoned by their lack of support, empty promises re finances, home projects, seemingly endless prioritization of themselves.

Yup. Divorce babe. No one who loves you lets you work this hard.

Spent 3 decades wishing it was different and hoping it would change. It only got worse. Honor your feelings. Respect yourself. Make a better choice than to stay and accept this. Life is so much better on the other side of this!

I lived it believing him. I ended up becoming a shell of the person I was and dependent. Until he left. And I regained myself. Wish I would have done that while I was still strong enough and not wasted so many years

Us divorce lawyers exist for a reason. You deserve better sis. ❤️

Same situation and broke up

Yes - and we've been in couples therapy for years. It has gotten better but it is still a long way to go.

Thank you all. I want to believe there is light on the other side of this and it’s still hard sometimes. I put so much into this and struggle to believe this is where we are. I’m in a better place now, and still have a ways to go. There have been some really dark places. You all give me hope.

Wow. This is helpful

I'd encourage you to look at it from a different perspective: What in your past interactions or your partner's background makes you think this person has the skills to function in a way that meets your expectations? Perhaps try counseling to improve communication between you so both can have a clear understanding of what the other wants/needs out of the relationship. You may think you're making it clear, but maybe it isn't to them (which can be infuriating, but is also common). You may also find the other person has some unmet need they haven't effectively expressed that is causing some of their behavior. Once the expectations are clearly set and understood, then you're in a better position to evaluate and see if there is a path forward or not.

Yeah this was pretty much exactly me and I got a divorce. Best decision I could have made for myself.

What exactly are you getting from this man? Loose him

Ask them to read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Their response (or lack there of) will be a message to you.

So, I am the original poster—not sure why FishBowl isn’t saying that. Anyhow, I finally filed for divorce. We did couples therapy and tried all the things. He would say some right things to the therapist but never followed through. I’ve come to accept we just have different priorities and goals and are too different in what we are willing to do. I’m looking forward to the other side and hoping the next few months won’t be too bad.
Thanks for the thoughts and guidance.

Sounds like he hates you. If you’re looking for validation that it’s ok to leave, you got it. If you really want to try one last time and see if this is able to be turned around, read The Empowered Wife. The skills she describes actually can and do work.

Been there, done that. My first husband just got mad when I offered to pay for a gardener instead of wanting to pull weeds myself; dude, I have better things to do with my scant free time than entertain you and do housework. Your job is 40 hours/week; mine is not. Still, I stuck it out for 25 years and through years of counseling (“If you lived me, you wouldn’t eat Captain Crunch,” and “You’re going to eat ALL of that?!”). My family didn’t get divorces. Until I did, and lord, I was SO much happier.

Never thought I’d want to get married again, but I unexpectedly found someone who was worth it. Been together 9 years, just got married, have twin 7-year-olds. We support each other, and actually talk about what matters to us. I never knew it could be like this.

There are better things out there for you. If he’s not willing or able to change this dynamic, do what’s best for you. If children are involved, that’s much tougher - but remember that they’re learning that an unhealthy dynamic is ok in a relationship by watching you. Staying together isn’t ALWAYS the better option for a family.