I’m 39 years old and breaking up with my boyfriend of two years. It’s been really traumatizing as I thought he was the one and then his behavior just started changing, becoming neglectful and abusive. I feel like this was my last chance to have a family and that by the time I get over this, meet someone new, and build something with them, I’ll be too old to have a kid. Any words of encouragement in this situation?

You did the right thing and your dreams aren't dead. It would be better to have a kid by yourself than be permanently coparenting with someone who is abusive and who will likely not be a good parent to your child! If you want to have kids, go for it.

He is not your last chance. My best friend is getting married for the first time at 43. She is over the moon in love. She never wanted to get married especially, but they fell for each other. I also have a cousin who got married at 50 for the first time after falling in love in her mid-40s. The kid thing is an additional consideration, but unless you’re willing to have a baby on your own, there’s nothing to do. You can’t hurry love. I believe you will find it.

I had my twins at 50. Didn’t meet the right guy until then. Freeze your eggs if you can, if not save money for an egg bank. And if you never find the right man, don’t let that stop you from having kids if you want them. My law school colleague got tired of waiting at age 40, picked a dad out of a sperm bank, and her wonderful son graduated high school last year.

It’s undoubtedly easier with a supportive partner, but still easier without one than with an abusive jerk. Also - the fertility studies that say women over 35 are too old? They were done in 16th century French milkmaids and never updated. Most women don’t see a significant fall-off in fertility until early 40s, at least.

Never say never. Life can sure surprise you sometimes. I never wanted kids until I met the right man - at age 48. And kids you love ARE your kids, no matter what the genetics say.

A friend married a man who showed similar abusive tendencies because she was eager to have a baby.

His behavior unfortunately escalated, and his abuse and the resulting divorce impeded her health, career, and finances.

An abusive relationship can affect every aspect of your life. I’m so glad you are getting out.

And your future children, should you choose to have them, deserve happy, thriving parents.

So many of my attorney friends just started having children in their mid 40s. It’s not too late!

We haven’t split yet, but I’m 38 and my relationship is super rocky. I’m at a crisis point about it and just don’t know what I’m going to do. All this to say you’re not alone. ❤️

You’re not alone. Trying to get out of mine now. I’m 36 and have fears of not having a family as well. So much so that others’ conversations about their kids and spouses have become triggering for me lately. I don’t really meet people in our profession or age range who are in a similar stage of life (unmarried, without kids) so it can be especially disheartening and sometimes I can feel judgment. Just know you are not alone.

My SIL just got married at 40. Don’t even mourn this relationship. He clearly did not value you. Get out there asap and find someone who cares for you! It will all fall into place.

I’ve known plenty of women who have had children in their 40’s. I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I met my now-husband 4 months after the breakup and we were engaged 11 months later. Don’t give up hope! It’s good you’re getting out before kids - otherwise you’d be staring down co-parenting with this man for the next 1-2 decades.

He wasn’t your last chance by a long shot. Much better for you to save yourself the trouble and real heartache of starting a family with an unsuitable husband.

Also, i had my best pregnancy at 40, and I highly recommend it. Going to a practice of midwives who did not subscribe to the “geriatric” pregnancy label made a HUGE difference for me.

Did you freeze your eggs?

There’s always hope and it’s never too late! I have two legal colleagues who had kids on their own from a sperm bank because they truly wanted kids and they are amazing moms. I also have several legal colleagues who got married for the first time in their 40s, 50s, 60s, because that’s when the RIGHT person entered their lives. I know it’s a hard perspective to adopt in this moment, but there’s SO much life still ahead of you!

OP, I know someone who is an attorney who was in a similar situation and chose to go the donor route. She has a beautiful 4 year old son now and seems happy. It’s definitely a big choice, but if being a mom is an absolute must, then it might be worth it.

Ashanti got pregnant and had her first child at 43. You’ve got time honey!