This is mostly a vent… I was stealthed two years ago, and I’ve been trying to fight my way back to biglaw ever since. A connection reached out to his firm on my behalf. A (FORMER) law school friend applied to the same firm behind my back and took the job, even though she was already employed. I feel so hopeless and betrayed. She knew I was the primary earner for my family. She knew how much this job would have meant to me. Why are women so terrible to each other?

How close of a friend? I totally understand your frustration but I honestly wouldn’t expect anything less than a best friend to sideline their professional needs for mine. I think you might be misplacing your anger with your professional situation on your friend.

As others have said, I don’t see the foul here. I would never ask a friend not to go for a job they want just because I’m also applying. It’s more of a “good luck, may the best [wo]man win” situation. It sounds like she competed fair and square and they picked her.

I’m also not sure I understand the “behind my back” sentiment either—it sounds like she just saw an opportunity and went for it, I’m not sure why you would expect her to tell you that she applied. She had every right to throw her hat in the ring.

I hope you didn’t nuke a friendship over this. It’s hard to feel like a great gig slipped through your fingers, and I suppose I can see feeling some kind of way that it went to someone you know. It doesn’t sound like she did anything wrong though. If anything, I’d stay close with her and maybe she’ll pull for you from the inside if they hire again.

This is also not an example of women being terrible to each other, so please don’t turn it into that in your mind. If anything, it’s a bit offensive that you seem to think she should have stepped aside because you’re both women.

What if she sat it out and you still didn’t get the job? Like A2 said above, it’s better and potentially directly beneficial to you to have a friend on the inside, unless you’ve already tanked the relationship.

Like everyone else, I have a lot of sympathy for your situation and how terrible it feels to miss out on a job. But there’s really nothing to do but shake it off and get back on the horse. If it’s not too late, at least pretend to be happy for your friend and keep in touch because you never know!

She didn’t take anything, the job wasn’t yours to steal. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time in the job market, but your expectations are out of line with reality.

Why don’t you apply to where she left from?

I’m sorry this happened. I know it’s incredibly frustrating so set a specific amount of time to be upset about it and then keep moving forward the best you can. Ultimately, this profession is comprised of, for the most part, the same personality type. People will look out for themselves 90% of the time regardless of the impact it could have of anyone else but themselves. Just keep that in mind in the moves you make going forward.