Any tips to self regulate while kids tantrum? My wife panics when our 3 yo. screams for longer periods of time. She often cannot ground herself before trying to calm him down, so I find myself intervening to lower the temp, at home and in public. Her methods are to put in earphones, walk away, or literally run away if at her breaking point. She’s in therapy so she’s aware it’s driven by anxiety and trauma. I don’t mind being a bigger emotional support, love my fam but I am getting exhausted.

My husband just placates til it’s over and sometimes when I can’t figure out what my son wants, that’s when it starts to get to me. I did some inner work and thinking and paying attention to my triggers and realized I would lose my sh* once it hit a certain length and the reason was that I was feeling like I was lacking as a parent when he couldn’t regulate. I broke out of that cycle these past few months and now that I have the tools I need to not be derailed by his tantrums, I support and listen and set boundaries and move on. It’s hard because it is reparenting but here’s my tips:
1. Tantrum mantra - he’s a little baby and doesn’t have the tools he needs to regulate
2. He only gets those tools if I model them
3. My calm becomes his calm
4. And then teaches him the lifelong skill to self regulate
5. We read books and talk about calming down a lot when it’s calm. We say ‘stories’ (my son calls the that) where I do ‘what happens when we’re at a red light? Stop. Green light? Go. When we’re angry? Count to 10.
6. Then, we reference that when he is in his tantrum. I validate his anger, frustration, embarrassment and get down on his level and say I’m really sorry. Then I ask if he wants to read the count to 10 book and I make it fun.
7. I make sure not to distract him because the only way out is through. Sometimes I visualize it as a countdown, like ohp nice one more tantrum down, one less to go
8. I try to empathize to pass the panicking and losing it wiring. I think oh he’s this tiny cute angry little monster with big feelings and he’s just so sad and feeling so out of control right now, poor baby. The more regulated I am (have good support from my husband, have time to myself, fill my cup) the more I can withstand these with calm and empathy and support.
9. Empowerment usually pushes away anxiety. If you have the tools and knowledge, you feel less anxious and out of control = can get through tantrums ok.

Kids do what is modeled so the way she teaches him we handle big feelings is how he will internalize that his feelings are too big for mom and he should feel shame about them.

I come from systemic intentional abuse (to me and not my siblings) and lots of CPTSD, so I get it. I really do. I got earplugs that block out noise so my body doesn’t go into fight or flight. And he’s always a mess after school so on my way to pick him up I just tell myself ‘remember, he’s had a hard day apart from you and the cycle is ending with you. You’re teaching him how to handle big emotions and helping him be so healthy when he’s an adult. You got this’

This is really tough. I have slightly older ones (7 and 5) but tantrums still happen (either in classical form or the older kid version of it).

My dad is a child psychiatrist from a different era and he’s definitely in camp “ignore and walk away” but I’ve been reading a lot about current thinking on the subject and staying present (and regulated yourself) is actually what the prevailing thinking is will help your kiddo the most. They need to keep the connection with you, need to know they are safe even when tantruming, and will borrow regulation from you.

It’s hard. I still lose my cool on a daily basis but I really try to just breathe and remind myself that they are not trying to cause trouble, they are having a hard time and simply don’t know how to deal with it.

If you’re open to it, give “Good Inside” a read/listen.

Best of luck and hang in there!

Sometimes you do the opposite of what you want and it works. You want to run away but instead you pick them up and hug them. Get down in their level and look in eye. I understand you are feeling upset and I’m so sorry you are feeling that way, I’m sorry this is the outcome right now.

Lean into what calms child down — eg reading always calmed my kids, snack if they are hungry, snuggles, their blanket, their stuffed animal.

Have either of you looked into misophonia? If the noise is triggering her fight-or-flight response, that could be a root cause.

One thing that worked for me when my kid was young and starting to throw tantrums was sit next to them and speak to them in a low voice while rubbing their back or hand.
I refused to acknowledge their tantrum but I said things like, “are you having a bad day? Do you want to talk about it? I don’t know what you want when you throw a tantrum..”

I felt being the grounding presence sort of pulled them in. If it was ridiculous and still went on I’d say “I got something to do I’ll be right back ok.” And walked away…. And came back in 5.

I’m of the school of thought kids know were there to support but bad behavior cannot win

I created a self regulation station for my kid and it works. It is like a quiet space (that we never call time out or use it as punishement) where we put some tools to help them redirect their anxiety/emotions into calm actions. It starts with a tool that tells the kid to check in what emotions he/she is feeling, and to have a choice of activities like coloring, magic sand, breathing toys, headphones for music, water and small snacks, fidget toys, mini construction toys etc. And then when kid is ready to leave the station they have to say i am ready to (learn, play nice, ask for a hug, get dressed... whatever) thr idea is that they leave their emotions in that space, and when they come out they are ready to talk about how something made them feel and what they want to do about it now that they can think straight. Also if ur kids watches screen excessively or eats sugar just be mindful of how coming off of that high affects their ability to selfregulate.

This is something I also really struggled with in the early days of parenting (again, due to emotional regulation never being modelled to me growing up / trauma etc). I'm so glad to hear your wife is in therapy to help support her through the challenges she is facing but it sounds like you need some support too.

This may be helpful for your wife to know as well. Your childs emotions are not yours. Your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time.

If they are throwing a tantrum of epic proportions, some phrases that have been helpful for me to say to my small human (that actually regulate me as well):
"Your anger does not scare me"
"Hello [name whatever emotion here], nice to see you again. What are you doing here?" (in a tone that does convey you are happy to see said emotion - this tends to confuse the child and can be an effective distraction technique)
"You can be mad but you don't get to hurt [mum / dad / pet etc as appropriate if they get physical.]"

Just sit on the floor and do your own deep breathing. As the parent, you are the calm in their storm.

Have a look into the tantrum arc if you haven't already - this can help (and may be helpful for your wife as well) plot where your child is in that arc and help inform your choices and response as a parent (for example, is a distraction technique going to work, or do I just need to ride this out?)

Being resourced as a parent is crucial. (i.e. your own self-care). Knowing more is always good too.
Do you and your wife both have time for self-care? What does self-care look like for the both of you? Do you both have time to just be you (without being a parent)? Hobbies? Friends? Support networks. Man sheds (if they're a thing near you).

If your child has big feelings because of a reasonable boundary you are setting, that's ok. They're allowed to have their feelings - it doesn't mean the boundary gets moved. The number of times my small human threw a fit because of a boundary in unreal - but, after the tantrum, after the co-regulation and repair, the boundary would be unmoved.
Your job as parent is not to move the boundary - it's to help them with their feelings about the boundary.

Yes, as they get older, they may negotiate the boundary and push back against it with words, then thats on you as a parent to consider whether it needs to move or not.

Some resources that have helped me (and may help you and your wife as well):
Childproof podcast
Gwenna Laithland book
How to talk so little kids will listen
The Whole Brain child
Your Strong Willed Child
Raising Securely Attached Kids
What my Bones Know (this is about complex trauma - tough read in places. I believe Stephanie Foo also has a book coming out about parenting after trauma which may be worth keeping an eye out for)
Daring Greatly (about the power of vulnerability and combating shame)

Also look into Polyvagal theory - this can help not only identify where you are on the scale, but also your child :)