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Totally agree 😁
Chief
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Come from a place of understanding and respect, which sounds like you are. Any person that is reasonable will understand. Infidelity and substance abuse problems are a serious concern and no one subject to those are worthy of one’s assets, for example.
My counselor told me to “lead with my fears” in awkward/serious/tense conversations like that. So start with all the things you just said - you want to have a conversation that you’re nervous about, you love your partner, you’re excited about marriage, but you’re afraid that any marriage could end like your parents’, and you’re also afraid that your partner will think prenup talk is a sign that you’re not committed, etc. Leading with your fears and anxieties builds intimacy and tenderness in the conversation and lets you express your true feelings and intentions before your partner responds on the issue.
I always think of a prenup like insurance. You’d never buy a house without buying insurance for it. Same with marriage. Like it or not, marriage is largely (though not only) an economic proposition. Protecting yourselves is just common sense.
I had a terrible divorce and if I ever get married again would for sure want a prenup, mostly because I’d prefer to handle those issues when I’m at my best, not the divorce devastated/revenge seeking version of myself. I think if you frame the conversation in the right way, your partner will understand. But some folks have super negative views of prenups.
This seems like a perfectly reasonable position to have, especially given your family background but I would be prepared for the range of emotions your partner could have. My wife, whose parents are also divorced, was the one to raise the prenup issue in my relationship and tbh, while I agreed with her on a rational level, there was an emotional reaction as well that took some time to process. So raise the issue gently and explain where you’re coming from but also be prepared to give her emotional reassurance and space to process.
I think of prenups as a contract. Each state has a contract about how divisions should go in divorces. A prenup is writing a contract in my own terms (fiancée and I) that we agree with.
This! If you don’t decide, the state will decide for you.
Rising Star
I had a terrible divorce and thank god I had the foresight to get a prenup. We’ve been fighting over custody of our child for two and a half years (my ex is not safe for her). $80k in legal fees later I can only imagine where I’d be if we’d had to fight over everything else as well.
You don’t know who your spouse is in divorce until you divorce them. Negotiating while you love each other is definitely the way to go.