I haven't seen my kids awake in three days. I leave before they wake up and I get home after they’re asleep, and I’m essentially a ghost in my own house. I’m providing a great life for them financially, but I’m missing the actual life part, and the guilt is starting to eat me alive. My partner says it’s just a season, but this season has lasted five years. How do you forgive yourself for choosing the billable hour over your own children’s childhood?

Set boundaries my friend. Also, a firm with really great WFH flexibility is key. Time block your calendar leave the office early or go in late, but something has to shake. These firms truly don’t care about us and you are very disposable at work not but at home and especially not with their childhood. They only get one childhood. Try to find some balance. There is still some time to course correct. I made peace with not being the top performer (I’m not bad by any means) and it has made a world of difference with my approach to the job.

Don’t forgive yourself. Change this.

This was me, word for word. I went in house and it was absolutely life changing. I came from midlaw making $170k as a 4th year and went in house and bumped to $225k but my hours basically halved. I’ve been in house 3 years, now make $232k base with a 60k bonus plus equity and I work maybe 9-5, usually less. And I have so much more flexibility.

This job is not worth sacrificing your family. I’m sure there are other things you’re sacrificing too. Consider exit options. Doing so changed my life.

I rejected this life. I went part time, insisted on remote work, and I’m with my kids every morning until school and most afternoons (though I’ll be on and offline if I have a call or something). I’m in BigLaw. Kids may seem resilient, and they are, but they really need their parents. I’ve noticed that things really seem to hit the fan during the teen and tween years for absentee parents. Having a relationship with your child is also one of the best things life has to offer. My spouse and I are both part time. It has cost us financially for sure, but we’re happy and our kids are thriving.

My wife would have rightfully divorced me so fast for this. I think you know you need to change something. It’s great that your partner is supportive of your career, but you need to find a way for your career to serve your family, not the other way around.

I don’t forgive myself, because I don’t make that choice. I passed on biglaw, found a firm with a flexible billing requirement and WFH policy, and am living my priorities.

You really can find something better for your family, and I genuinely hope that you do, because I bet you’re an incredible parent, and you and your partner and your kids all deserve for you to be there with them more than this. ❤️

Pretend your family is your best client. They should always be at the front of the line.

You seem unhappy. Quit and do something else. Downgrade your lifestyle if you have to. You only have one life.

You being around for your kids is going to matter more to them than the money.

Don’t. Fix it.

Perhaps let that other partner know that it might be a good idea to bring in another partner or a senior associate to help lighten the workload.

Bad choices = bad outcomes. Always fight for the positive choice in your life. Make that change not only for your sake but for the sake of your family. Despite what society tells you, your self worth is not a paycheck. Being someone’s billable hour bitch that results in not being present for your kids is a no brainer.

Without retreading the ground covered by others, an important thing you'll need to internalize as part of setting boundaries is that you likely want setting boundaries to be painless. It will not be. People will be upset/annoyed/reject these attempts. You will need to learn to handle that, as what you are doing now is trying to keep everyone else happy. It is a tough habit to break once you settle into it.

Sometimes, of course, in litigation for example there will be times you will go to bed at 3am or work through a vacation. However, more often than not you do not actually *need* to get a draft to someone by Wednesday morning first thing or, worse, you are the person that request is being directed to because you always say "yes." Having some reasonable boundaries will not derail your career, but people may be grumpy about it. Learn to be okay with that.

In most firms, despite people being upset with you now and then for saying "no," you will actually be completely fine. In some firms you will not. Decide for yourself if you want to stay at the latter place, as it sounds like you do not.

I learned this lesson the hard way despite a supportive wife when I ended up in the ER with some (now fixed) health issues averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night for 2 years. I took a pretty hardline stance after that, and my career has been fine. Don't wait too long to learn the lesson.

You forgive yourself by changing course and being a present parent like your children, partner, and you all deserve (don't sell that last part short-- you yourself deserve the joy that is interacting with your children). Obviously children need their basic needs met but above a certain threshold, no child is choosing a high earning parent over a present parent. Let that money you've already earned do some work for you in the coming years while you set boundaries or make changes that permit you to live the life you want.

Life is all about making choices. Time and money are often a zero sum game.

It sounds like you know what you want to do. That guilt will get nothing but way worse.

Also, spoiling kids is only fun until they’re about the age they stop thinking going to Disney World is being spoiled. After that, you’re just making little assholes.

If you want to be there for your kids, and it sounds like you do, there’s your answer.
It sounds like it’s time for a big change. If you can carve out meaningful time each day (for my partner it’s an hour before work and then 5:30-7:30 before logging back on) it makes a difference. I have a flexible job and take Fridays off, which is an even bigger difference. Think about what you want your time to look like and work towards that.

Here's what I'd say to you—and to myself, as a self-employed entrepreneur struggling with the same thing:

The most valuable thing is not billable hours. It's how you spend your time. Because time is something you can never get back. It doesn't repeat. It only moves forward, and it will never be the same once gone.

I'm not here to judge. But I stopped fibbing to myself. I knew I had to make a change. And that change isn't about quitting—it's about rearranging my plans and accepting that I don't have to have everything financially the way I want it right now! It may take a little more ‘time’, but it will allow a lot more space for me to be present and available and feel a piece of the joy that comes from showing up for these children while they're young and most impressionable.

That concern you're carrying? It's proof you're a good parent, who only wants better for their children. It's proof you're still paying attention. Five years isn't a season—although terl ourselves so- it's a pattern. And patterns can shift. Forgive yourself by starting small: one morning, one bedtime, twenty minutes of being fully there. Those children don't need a ghost as you say. They just need at minimum glimmers of you. And you can still give them that.

Discuss with your family what you would do without if you left the high paying multi hour firm and took a job where you earned fewer hours, but were to spend time with your family. If they are on board do it.

Today is Tuesday. So you haven’t seen them awake even on weekends? I thought at least you could WFH on weekends.
Simply trying to help. No offense

Work M-F 7-3pm instead.

Its never the quantity, but the quality. We have to do what we have to do. Let your kids know that your love them and get to work and handle the business. My mother busted her chops having to be at work at 4:30- 5:00 am, but I could always look forward to the sausage that she made or bisquits or bacon before she left. It taught be grateful and to help around the house. It taught me responsibility. I learned how to wake up early and hustle to school on the school bus. I didnt think of my mother as a ghost. I thought of her as a women who understood her assignement and sacrificed for me. You are a hero to your kids. Never forget that. It not your presence. Its your love and commitment. Send texts. Write sticky notes, pack a lunch. They know somebody gotta do it.