Looking for some perspective:

I’m a 30 year old black man from the hood in SoCal, but now living in a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah.

My wife is white and you could say that due to my interests (hockey, baseball, and other outdoorsy stuff) and the way I speak, I don’t fit it to the typical mold as a black man from the hood.

My concern is two-fold (cont)

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Man I feel you. This is a conversation that needs to be had more in the community. There is no right way to be “black.”

Some people have made a checklist to determine how “black” someone is. And if you don’t fit their narrative and views, you get name-called with “Uncle Tom” “sell out” “acting white”

Reminds me of the episode of fresh prince of bel air, where will and Carlton rush a black frat and Will is accepted but the leader shamed Carlton for not fitting the mold. Carltons response is “black is what I am, not what I’m trying to be”

I don’t know how to have this conversation with people in the community to be honest...obviously you are not doing anything wrong by being the best version of yourself that you can be. Care to share your experience on the items I highlighted?


Yes totally get what you mean. Some black you tubers speak out and address this type of behavior in the community. I don’t know how much longer this mindset will stay.

Another example is certain black celebs harshly critiques key and peele for not being black enough.

There’s not one certain identity characteristic that makes anyone black, it’s a skin color!


Black people are not a monolith and there are multiple black experiences. As long as you’re not putting down black women due to your spouse or allowing your spouse to disrespect black people then I don’t see a problem. Seems like that’s not the case anyway


Thanks for being rational here

OP You need to first get comfortable in your own skin. And by skin I mean the life you chose. Do YOU think you are a traitor? Once you are more confident, your interactions with people will improve because you won’t care about the opinions of others. People unfortunately are going to people and you can do nothing about that. This stood out to me: “our food, our movies and our music”. Those are all preferential things and should not dictate your blackness. I get the whole ‘black card’ but you can’t live your life pretending to be down with something solely for that reason. If you don’t like ‘black food’ (whatever that is and cringing but using term for argument’s sake) then you don’t like it. Own that.


For the record: I'm a black woman.

Let me start by saying people love who they love. It is possible for someone to acknowledge the beauty of black women, love their own culture AND STILL love someone who is not black. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I also feel that black women, me included, feel rejected by a society that in our face says we're not beautiful, but then uplifts other races of women with the same characteristics we, as black women, typically have. (Big lips, big butts, etc.) So I feel that the negative responses from black women really stem from pain and the hurt of rejection. And when they see a black man with a non- black woman, it stings a bit because it serves as a representation of the negative views of society and signals that that black man validates those negative views.

The problem with that is, black women often struggle to separate the black man from the negative views of society. The two are not the same.


Thank you for sharing your perspective. Helps us see it another way and understand things better

TBH, there are so many beautiful and educated sisters you can settle with but you chose a white woman! Buddy, that was where you lost your black card! Go on somewhere else my friend.


Y'all need to understand how to separate collective issues from individual experiences. Yes, black men being socialized to not accept black beauty is an issue in our society. However, not once did OP say he ONLY dated white women. So why are y'all calling into question his place in our community, adding on to the exact issues hes sharing, and doing so and doing so at the exact moment in time when he and all of us need solidarity. It's possible to value black beauty and date black women but still fall in love with someone not in your race - recognize the place for individual experiences in your collective narratives.


I’ve a brother going to school in ID whom I worry about whenever he travels (especially long distance). You always wonder if a single bad encounter could be it? George, Ahmed and Botham, it had never happened to them until it did; and that’s what scares me the most.


I suggest next time you respond thusly:

I'm tired of the motherfuckin’ jackin'
Sweatin' my gang, while I'm chillin' in the shack, and
Shinin' the light in my face, and for what?
Maybe it's because I kick so much butt
I kick ass, or maybe 'cause I blast


I second this

1. At times, I feel alienated by my loved ones, friends and other black people for marrying outside of my ethnicity. Even though my wife is loyal and very understanding of the ongoing issues for black people in America. The people who see my life from afar think I’m some Uncle Tom anyway. I make it a point to stay informed about my culture, my people, our food, our movies and our music. And I for sure let my wife in on the education process since we will be bringing children into this world that are half black. But it seems like that’s not enough for some people. I’m a traitor no matter what. I mean, didn’t we just have beef with Biden saying, “you ain’t black” on The Breakfast Club? I’ve heard those exact same words so many times from our people. Shit hurts sometimes, bro.

2. Even though I haven’t experienced a moment of racism, bigotry, or prejudice to the extent of people like George Floyd, Botham Jean, and others, my wife and I know we have to be extremely careful in unknown environments. Coming across the wrong person on the wrong day could change our lives forever.

I’m wondering if anyone else in this bowl is going through a similar situation.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated (even if it’s a dissent from the way I’m living my life).

You just be you. Ignore the haters. Be the example that we aren't that bad to the 'others'. Be the example that we can be anything, do anything, like anything, like anyone, to "us". Teach your kids to do the same.

BDO opinions don’t count lol!!! Just kidding

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