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I agree that emotional cheating is wrong, but proximity- working together 40 hours a week- can lead to these false feelings of attraction/closeness.
I think there’s nothing you can really do if the marriage is over in his head. If that’s not totally the case- I’d work on trying to make sure you guys have a lot of proximity right now and I’d also try to hang out with another great couple you both like. He might start realizing he’s more attracted to you, and also that he doesn’t want to lose the value set you have or the friendships.
If one party wants a divorce, assuming you’re in the US, they have a right to that whether the other side wants it or not. If he’s unwilling to go to therapy I’m not sure there is much that can be done. It sounds like he acted inappropriately and is now using your justifiable reaction to his emotional affair as an excuse to leave.
As a divorce lawyer, my advice to you would be to prepare for a divorce to happen - consult with a divorce lawyer and start treating with your individual therapist to get through the emotional side of it. I always remind people that a divorce comes with grief and you’re going to go through those stages, it can be easier to work through if you recognize them.
TLDR: Husband wants a divorce. I want to work on our marriage despite being hurt. I'm a Christian and am against a divorce. How can I salvage our marriage?
I’m sorry OP. If he’s given up then that’s it. You cannot salvage your marriage if you’re the only one fighting for it. Ask if he’s truly done, if so then let go. I’m going through it too, very similar situation. It’s not easy but we’ll get through it
I go for individual therapy. He doesn't want to do marriage counselling - he thinks counselling/therapy is a waste of money
He made his choice. Now you have to make yours. I sincerely feel your pain. Married 5years to my first husband but knew him 5 yrs before marriage. I was close to his parents and siblings. But sadly, he had no interest in working on our marriage and also refused counseling joint or individual for years. Alcohol was his mistress but I’m sure he had females on the side when he chose not to come home at nights. I got into my own therapy, got serious about it, and I got out. He begged me to stay. Found a therapist and we went, met each other there after he moved out. I walked out 1/2 way through bc I did not want to be there. It’s too late for me. I’ve been remarried for 34 yrs w 3sons from my current husband. My life is so much healthier now. I get how hard it is to move past this. I’m glad you’re getting into your own counseling. It absolutely takes time to process. I hope you find your answers. You’re in the thick of it. 💔
Suspiciously interesting. Husband become close to a female colleague. Is angry you found out. And now wants a divorce.
Doesn’t seem like no cheating has occurred - seems you just haven’t found out yet.
Obviously this is a gross simplification based on what you wrote. The closeness to the colleague and timing of a wanting divorce don’t seem coincidental.
Propose counselling. If he doesn’t agree there’s something much more than just closeness happening. I would try to gather any evidence in case it leads to divorce and start sorting out your financial situation and escape plan should shit hit the fan.
Husband reason for Divorce is by saying that he will continue the behavior but you deserve better by getting out of this marriage?
Good point, have you tried to reduce the negative mood from your end? I agree it should be tried from both end. But its marriage and sometimes someone need to compromise the Ego and take first of many steps. But both need counseling, even if he refuses I would say you go for one. Therapist might have some good pointers.
If you can’t agree on individual therapy vs marriage counseling together that’s a bit of a flag. Ultimately you need to decide how to best move forward together. Sounds like there’s more to unpack here if he jumped straight to the divorce conversation. Try to have any conversations about how you feel in a neutral way so it doesn’t come across as an attack. More of “I feel X” verses “you did/made me feel Y”.
Thanks... he did have a bout of depression last year which wasn't really addressed. So I wonder how much of this is real and how much of this is just the depression "speaking".
This entire element seems to fall with you. You’ve decided he’s betrayed you for being friends with a female colleague, yet you’ve decided you can’t divorce him. Christianity itself has no specific universal stance on divorce - Roman Catholicism does not recognize it, but other denominations can be a little indifferent.
So it’s up to you - put the work in to try to solve the marriage (forgive him for the betrayal you feel) or accept that he doesn’t want to continue and walk away for the good of both of you.
What a smart person you are VP!
You might like to read C.S. Lewis’ chapter on Christian marriage in Mere Christianity. It may give you some perspective on how Christian marriage works. It is work but it shouldn’t be constant pain.
Doesn’t seem like he wants to sounds like he is mad he has to stop with the other woman maybe you should find you someone to talk to
OP, pray about it!!! God can change his heart.