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The bigger issue is that he hasn’t actually worked on the addiction itself—just the porn piece of it. The underlying patterns are still there: the avoidance, the numbing, the checking out instead of showing up. Until that’s addressed, nothing really changes.
Next, I’d make it a non-negotiable for the family—something that’s clearly expected, not something you have to keep reminding him about.
And the whole “nagging” dynamic isn’t really about you—it happens when things are ignored until they can’t be anymore. You’re responding to a lack of follow-through, not creating the problem.
I plugged my discombobulated thoughts on this into GPT to write it more eloquently because this topic is deeply personal for me in my marriage. It’s going to keep showing its face in varying forms of danger until he works on the root reason for avoidance and numbing. I encourage you to get him the help to tackle the root. My husband does IFS with an amazing practitioner and it changed his life and our marriage. (This last paragraph isn’t GPT lol, just being transparent)
Tysm for this advice, seriously so practical! Regarding your first point, I do think there are points for honoring vows I made even if hubs is neglecting his, ik call me crazy and it has been eating away at me but I think ive gotten to the point where you just mentioned to leave him alone and focus on bringing my best self and in this meantime stage i can focus on my health too. Ig i have seen real toxicity so living thru ours seems like lightwork in comparison, I just am thinking overtime when we're at the end of this marriage it'll be such a blip in the grand scheme which helps my perspective when in the thick of it
I accidently broke our computer (it was a 3in1 PC i left it on my portable table and it slipped now the screen is done) and we just havent gotten around to budgeting for a new one yet lol ik its atypical
Appreciate this therapy guide, I think separate counseling is much needed too and yes agreed, boundaries is the perfect topic we need a deep dive in clearly! I dont do social media so next time Im near a friend's phone ill look her up 👍🏽
Anyway thanks so much for this encouragement and glad to have all this wisdom from another couple who's worked thru all this already
Do you know what’s got his attention on the phone? Is there an opportunity to connect with him on what it is?
Other ideas: straight up put a basket on the table and both phones go in while eating breakfast or dinner.
What does he like to do for fun? What do you like to do for fun. Can you make it a date?
My husband is the same with his phone and I’ve told him many times he’s being a bad role model for our two almost preteen girls.
I force him to put his phone away during dinner so we can have a distraction free meal and actually have a conversation together as a family.
Thank you for this, I will certainly make meal times distraction free its so important. Hoping your girls see it as an example of why they prefer to go in the other direction and use their devices less, Appreciate the solidarity
Have a set time in the evening after your child goes to sleep where he can be on his phone for 30 minutes. After that, it's time with you, doing things together, including housework.
PS - I hope you know who he's talking to and are ok with it. There should be no secrets that can harm your marriage.
Shopping for firearms?! How many firearms does he need? This would concern me
I cannot imagine dealing with this for longer than like ... a week. If you seriously cannot have more than A SINGLE CONVERSATION with your husband and co-parent a day, get a divorce.
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My advice - don’t get that support together with your husband. In my personal experience, it ends up becoming a validation and justification for husband. I now find camaraderie independently so he keeps fixing his sh*t.
Define a “present time” with no phones being fully engaged. After work until kids go to bed are precious for us. We can veg out at 8pm while still protecting family time. Sometimes I need a break sometimes he does. It takes intentionality bc you need to announce you need a break and ask you’re partner to be on duty while you take 5m on the couch if you need to decompress.
Resentment builds when things are done without communicating. After the kids go to bed one night I would reflect with him that X times are really valuable for your family and you would appreciate if everyone is off the devices and being present so you can have intentional family time. Then offer when he can have his phone time so it’s not a battle.
Well said, appreciate your explanation! Communication is key which is why ig its been such a battle at times. Announcing turns for tag teaming while one of us catches a break will be super helpful as we get more consistent w this, tysm!
Husband here.
We both commit to putting our devices away when together.
We are both committed to meeting the needs, wants, and desires of each other.
She prefers emotional intimacy. I prefer physical intimacy. We both show up for each other in the way our spouse wants us to.
Put a cigar box on the counter off the table. Phones in the cigar box