I don’t want to feel this way, but I feel judgmental towards my MIL because she doesn’t work and hasn’t worked in a long time.

She is on disability, which I can understand because she has some back issues. But other than that, is completely capable of anything. She can drive, she can cook, she can do everything.

She is the kind of person who is on the phone all day, gossiping. She hasn’t worked in decades. Her children are all adults. She has an ailing mother who she doesn’t care for.

I would judge her, too - I’m with you.

I struggle with this about my own mother who stayed at home and loves to gossip but denies she’s gossiping. She always has something negative to say and gives backhanded compliments. My dad is several years older than her and is in great shape while she just lays in bed and has let her health go downhill. A year or two ago she shared that she always wanted to be a mom and she cared most about her children, and I was stunned because she’s not the kind of mother that’s supportive of us in a positive way. She has always been there for us but she’ll complain and be negative about it like everything is a hassle for her and disturbing her TV time.

I read Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents and it was very eye opening for me to realize how I felt. I can catch myself being judgmental now but it does take time to move away from the judging. Maybe that book might be helpful for you.

Thanks for letting me vent here. I think I have a lot I will need to process in individual and couples therapy.

She just visits her mom from time to time. Her sister in law hates her.. guess why? Her SIL has taken care of her mom all this time even while her SIL was working full time as a nurse. Her SIL is the one who wipes her mom’s butt. She is not even her own mom.

I don’t know how to get over it. I didn’t think I had any strong feelings about SAHMs but I think I don’t have strong feelings about SAHMs with minor children.

SAH wives are another story. I just have no respect if they’re not doing anything respectable with their time. Doing civic service or volunteering somewhere or maybe caring for an ailing family member—that’s respectable!

How do I get over being judgmental?!

C2, thank you for the book recommendation. I’ll try to pick up a digital copy. I think out of the three (distant, rejecting, or self involved) she is self involved.

She would probably also say the same thing as your mom about caring the most about her children and her role as a mother. While I’m sure it’s true, she is not nurturing or emotionally attuned. I see it when she interacts with my 3 month old. She wants to watch my baby and watch her movies at the same time.

Maybe other people are okay with that but I don’t want my 3 month old exposed to any amount of screen time, or just held but basically ignored because she is watching her movie.

Curious how she treats you, her son, your baby when you spend time together. If it’s “no real complaints,” I would try to focus on that. If the answer is something else, perhaps worth focusing your energy there. What do you think?

PS - it sounds to me like she’s depressed.