If you're a woman who has kids: did you always feel a "calling"? I have the possibility of having kids now (amazing relationship, financial stability) and I really don't know if I should. I always saw more the difficult aspects than the rewarding aspects. My fear is regretting not having kids, when I'm older. Or if I do have kids, I fear regretting how much energy it will consume. Any advise?

Should you have kids?

Big question, lots of ground to cover this adequately—wish more people had done this for me before marriage/kids.

Priority consideration #1—and it’s the BIGGEST mistake most people make—MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON, for the right reasons for YOU.

Any marriage issues are intensely compounded with raising kids, and these innocents are caught on the battlefield of the marriage.

Sounds like you have no issues there.

#2—kids are INSANELY expensive. Not sure what “financially stable” means for you, but kids mean always buying something they need, things getting lost/broken/dirtied/ need replacing.

However bad you think it will be, it’s worse!
Having to go without, less options because money is tight—probably the sorest point for me about having kids, especially with more than 2 kids. I advise against more than 2.

#3–Life becomes INSANELY more complicated.
No freedom, no privacy, you give up what you want to give and give to your kids. It’s often thankless, and will stress your marriage—here again, way worse than you can imagine which is why priority #1 is so crucial.

I love my kids, but very honestly, I sometimes wish I had quiet, had more control, mental peace, felt less exhausted. And had the time to pursue my career in ways I’ve been pressured to in the workplace. I stayed waaay too long at a company because it offered stability in the chaos of raising my family, and it seriously hurt my lifetime earnings, and limited my opportunities.

Some will differ from my opinions. I love my kids, but could imagine being happy without kids. I think most people feel pressured to have children.

Think hard about what you give up with kids— resentment is real, and kills happiness and marriages.

Before you decide, spend a lot of time with friends who have children. The day to day experience, not the vacation experience. It will provide an idea of what it’s really like.

I didn’t feel a “calling” not in the sense of yearning to be a mom. But when I met the right person I found myself wondering what if we did! And then, we did, and it’s been truly eye opening.

Won’t sugar coat - it’s hard as heck. But the feeling of being loved so much and being the center of my kids world is so worth it. And, career wise my priorities have shifted a little - but I honestly think in a healthier way. I’d rather work to spend more time with and do fun things with them than work to hit an imaginary level of success that I have made up in my head (that I’d never get to and won’t be “enough” even if I did).

My creative drive is still there - but I find I manage my time and peace way better than I ever had at work before kids. I’m tired, but loved vs burnout and used like so often happens in our industry.

I always knew I'd have kids because I figured it was inevitable - but I never "wanted" to be a mom in the sense that I dreamt of babies and loved the idea of being a mommy. I have two kids now (2 and 3 years old) and literally am so obsessed and love love LOVE being a mom. It's hard but it's beyond worth it. My career is 'meh/whatever' to me now - a means to a paycheck - which felt like a shift but it feels very natural.

I always knew I wanted kids but I understood the perspective on why people choose not to.

I will say…it is one of the hardest most challenging things I have ever done…but I love these kids so much it hurts. They are the coolest little besties and I would never go back and choose not to have them.

I have been asking myself this same question lately and very grateful for the thoughtful answers here. Whatever you choose, I hope you feel peace in your decision! 💕

Sharing a slightly different perspective. I always knew I didn’t want kids and that never changed, even after I met my amazing partner. I’m neurodivergent with a lot of sensory sensitivities and little emotional bandwidth and somehow knew even as a child that I wouldn’t be able to give parenting my all. I’m just not maternal in the slightest and that didn’t develop in my 30s like I thought it might. It wouldn’t be fair to my kid. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit the decision tortured me for a long time…I wanted to WANT to be a mother, but I just didn’t.

After lots of discussion over the years, my partner and I decided together that it would just be us moving forward and we’re ok with that. There is no guarantee that your kids will be around when you’re old and my suggestion would be to plan your future with that in mind. I was recently a long term caregiver for a very sick parent and it gave me PTSD even though that time was a blessing that I’m thankful for. Unfortunately, my parents did not have any protections in place for care in their old age but you can plan for that now.

All that being said, in my humble opinion as a non-parent, it’s probably worse to regret not having kids than to regret having them... And anyone who questions the idea of having children is already way more emotionally intelligent imo than those who jump into it without much thought.

Wishing you the best with your decision!

Distinctly remember my mom saying I would wake up one day in my late 20's or early 30's and have the urge to make babies. Never happened. 40 now, and still glad I didn't do it out of the fear of regret you mentioned. We're all different tho.

No. I am turning 38 tomorrow and my husband and I were always on the fence, even leaning “probably not” until I was around 36 and he was 40.

For me it was when we had steady careers, bought our first home, had traveled a lot. A lot of my friends had kids and we felt like we were ready for something new together. We also had a lot of death and loss so it felt like time to expand the family. We’re together almost 15 years and have a 7 month old. He is perfect. We are one and done prob for practical reasons :)

No. It literally hit me suddenly around 30, but it wasn’t intense. It was like “oh yeah I guess I would like to do that”. I had one kid at 35. That was enough.

I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I'm super close to my mother so that probably plays into it, but I've always felt I wouldn't personally feel content at old age if I didn't have a kid. Bear in mind I'm not the mother stereotype, I'm quite fierce in my personal / professional style and not overly romantic.
I got divorced at 33 and the shock of it made me realise I'd even be willing to be a solo mum if needed. 1 year after I met my partner and we had our daughter in January, when I was 38.
Not going to lie, it's really hard, harder than I thought. Both of us are expats (and we don't have a full time nanny) so it's full-on.
Having said that, and even though it's still so recent, there are things that confirm it's been the right choice, like the fact I've been way less anxious and second-guessing myself since then. I simply don't have time and need to trust my gut feelings! I'm also loving to see her personality flourish.
It did put a massive strain in my relationship though, as another post pointed.
I don't think one needs to be a parent to be fulfilled though.
I do have friends in your position though and they opted to freeze their eggs and think later, in a few years time.
Good luck, and I hope you find the clarity you're looking for.

I think people talk so much more publicly now about the parts that are hard. And it’s true there definitely are hard parts! But people don’t talk so much anymore in mixed company about the parts that are awesome, because you never know what the other person is dealing with in terms of their fertility or feelings about wanting kids. To be clear though: there are SO MANY deeply amazing aspects to becoming a parent and getting to know and love your child. And they are so so worth the annoying stuff; I might complain sometimes about tough details of the day to day, even bigger stuff like getting treated differently at work by some people, but in exchange for having my kid they are utterly meaningless. On a smaller scale (FOR ME) it would be like deciding to never leave your house because you don’t like traffic. If you end up taking the leap there are definitely transformative rewards on the other side.

Way worse to regret having kids than regret not having them. Think of what your parenting would be like feeling resentful! That will surely seep into your kid’s psyche on some level, how horrible!

I’ll bet some kids feel like if their parents had to do it over, they’d decide on no kids and they wouldn’t be here. I can’t imagine what that does to a kid.

Too many people feel pressure to go along with the pack, not enough serious thought or simple avoidance of doing what is right for them—external expectations drown out their own internal voice.

Never had a calling for it. My husband and I discussed it a lot and decided we would be happy with or without. We had some loss and finally had our son in April 2024. He will be our only, but having him in our lives has been an absolutely amazing experience. He brings so much joy into our daily lives and makes us want to be healthier. I had him right before I turned 40 and I just feel like this chapter of life is a truly amazing one.