MAGA grandma is visiting from out of state. We offered to host her for dinner but gently requested no political discussions so we could focus on catching up. She freaked out and said she “won’t be lectured” and now refuses to come. Getting guilted by my parents to still host her but I feel like her reaction was quite rude. WWYD?

I would stand my ground. You didn’t do anything inappropriate. When you have a family member who has opposite religious or political views and you simply request that knowing your differences neither of you discuss that while they’re visiting — that’s a perfectly appropriate boundary to set. The fact that your grandmother freaked out worries me. The fact that your parents are guilt tripping you because you set up perfectly appropriate and healthy boundaries is also concerning.

OP, suggest you hold the line. You set an entirely appropriate boundary and the reaction you got reflects a lack of emotional maturity. That lack of emotional maturity underscores that you were right to set the boundary. Suggest in response to parents, your only response is “our request is reasonable” and you change the topic, to signal it is not a debate nor are you (as grown adults) open to being directed or chastised by your parents. They have lost track of the fact that you are not children to be directed but mature adults to be respected. You set the rules in your house. They may have an opinion but they should keep it to themselves unless asked. Also, the discussion/dispute is between you and the grandmother and doesn’t involve the parents. This is another line/boundary they have crossed. Instead, if the grandmother asks the parents to get involved, their response should be: “Please take this up with OP. It is for you to work out directly with each other. We love you both and we’re confident you all can sort this out.“ Adults let other adults work through their issues with each other and don’t engage to influence or take sides. Hang in there.

I would have done the exact same. You set a very reasonable boundary and she is the one to decide not to come. Your house, your rules.

IMO where you went wrong was communicating to her in advance that you didn’t want to discuss politics during dinner. It sets the tone that you expect her to be combative during her visit. You should have waited until she arrived and the situation actually materialized (if it came up at all) to let her know you would prefer not to discuss politics.

Your home, your rules.

Grandmas have wisdom and experience and may not be around long enough for u to ask all the questions about how she grew up, where she met ur grandfather, what they did, there r so many questions left unanswered these days bc we cannot communicate w one another w a sincere curiosity. then we become grandparents and wonder and wish we had cherished that time to learn more about our family history and that person and wish we would have just one more day w that person. To see them laugh. Hear their stories. Feel loved by them. A vote is a vote. She still ur damn grandma.

You should genuinely read books and listen to pods about dealing with family members in cults.

OP, I think you handled this very tactfully, especially if grandma has a history of going full MAGA during family gatherings. I don’t know why your parents are insisting you host if your grandma refuses to come. At this point it is grandma’s choice, and not discussing politics at a family dinner is an extremely reasonable ask. The door is open for grandma, but she is choosing to not walk through it. I think you’ve done all that’s needed. If grandma can’t commit to one dinner without discussing politics, I think she is the one with things to work through.

Is everyone who has different views than yours treated similarly, or do you refuse to socialize with anyone who has a different opinion? Did you also offer her a list of acceptable topics for discussion? Certainly she knows your politics - because anyone non-MAGA never seems to feel constrained. If you had extended the invite without caveat and her response had been to “gently request no political discussions” I wonder what you’d be saying here now. Why didn’t you tactfully handle the issue of discussing politics if and when it came up instead of making her feel unwelcome?

Maybe you have dinner out - that way you can make a quick exit if you need and Grandma might not be so inclined to talk politics in a public setting?

If you needed to set that boundary, that tells me she's on the cultish side of the MAGA trend and you were absolutely right. It is a completely reasonable request. Protect your peace at all times no matter who it offends. We all know they are impossible to reason with.

Your request was totally appropriate. A well-mannered person would know not to bring up controversial topics in that setting without needing to be told not to do so. You did not disinvite her because of her vote; you disinvited her because she is unwilling to keep from talking about her vote for 2 hours in order to have a dinner with family. Seeing you and having a pleasant meal is demonstrably less important to her than engaging in political debate - that’s sad for her, regardless of what side of the aisle she occupies.

They didn’t make this request based upon for whom grandma voted. They made the request because they know how grandma is about it and so do I! I have so many relatives who voted for different candidates AND also hold differing political/social views. My husband and/or I have told them after the election and before a family gathering that we prefer that politics not be discussed. Not one responded that they won’t be lectured and refused to come! Instead, young and old realized that we, as a family, can disagree, coexist, and more importantly, love and respect each other. I believe her behavior is reprehensible, and I hope she comes around. Can you ask your parents to intervene by speaking with her to explain your position? That’s what my parents would have done without me having to ask. I assume she has been a loving grandma otherwise. If so, you should host her, but it sounds like she is the one who bailed. I would NOT apologize, but I would invite her again stating that you would love to have her over for dinner, but if she continues to act like a child instead of a grandma, I think you’re justified in offering a rain check. Good luck!

You should just put grandma in a home.

I wouldn’t have invited her to begin with, but that’s just me. You should make other plans and tell your parents that you are a grown adult that can decide when tolerance for hate and ignorance will not be accepted in the home you pay for. Good luck.