Have any of you struggled with comparing yourself to others? Any advice on how to stop that?

I got hit with a lot of personal and professional setbacks this year. Overall, I’m grateful to have survived it, but now I’m watching my classmates getting promoted to partner, while I am starting at a new firm (yet again), and I feel so behind in life.

I started at a V5 and out of my summer class of about 120 and the classes just above and below me, I think 5-6 are now partners at that firm. I sometimes wonder what they have that I didn’t, but I’m 100% sure it has nothing to do with work ethic, intelligence, or skill set. It’s about values and tolerances and countless variables that made their experiences completely different from mine. They make it look so easy and seem to always be on vacation! But that’s the fallacy of perception and social media.

Or many went in house, but I went to a T3 law school and don’t come from money or connections, so as much as I like to think my hard work put me on a level playing field at that V5, it really didn’t. Starting where I did neutralized my law school and helped me to get every job I got after that, but I simply didn’t have the same access that others did outside of the law firm world.

I’ve had to be incredibly frank with myself at various points in my career about what I REALLY want vs what I or others think I should have. Do I wish I had their money? Yes. Bc golden handcuffs are legit. Do I wish I had their lives? No.

I even made partner and walked away after several years because it was taking up more of my life than I wanted to give to something that I wasn’t getting much out of other than money. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. But I know for certain that I am infinitely happier now than I was on any given day at that V5!

Also, remember that women still face serious challenges getting ahead in law. 50% of female attorneys report being harassed. We have to find creative and safe avenues to continue our work, and that takes time.

Yes. I’m not at the same level as you (2nd year), but I’ve watched my classmates and even others in the year before mine excel in ways I have not. It may be the practice area I’m in or I’m just not cut out for this profession in general. It stinks. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you, but I can say you’re not alone in feeling this way. I hope you find your place.

I don't think it's helpful to completely stop myself from feeling those feelings. You have to give yourself grace and accept that you're human and are flawed. Our society and profession has conditioned us to want certain things. Its frustrating when we don't attain our goals at the same rate as others. That's a normal, healthy feeling to have as long as it's temporary.

When I find myself feeling down because I haven't achieved the same level of success as my peers, I let myself have a moment to feel those feelings and then I try to follow up with a moment of gratitude for what I have or a reminder that the successes of others has 0 impact on me and my life.

Yes this has been hitting me hard lately as well. But comparison is the thief of joy! All we can do is our best.

Here’s something I find helpful. Every time I compare myself to someone, I remind myself that, although that person has something I wish I had, they probably also have something that they wouldn’t wish on anyone. So if (say) you wish you had their job title, you may not want (say) their family life, health problems, or other negative experiences they’ve had.

Hope my folks trick helps you somehow!

"It's a matter of focus" they'd say. I grew up in a highly competitive household - save for one simple thing: We were never allowed to compare ourselves to others. We were only allowed to compare ourselves to what was called "past self". The focus was always on our own selves - even our own sibling was not game for comparison. It forced us to see our own development, how we could improve ourselves and what improvement really meant. It also forced me to find out quickly that what worked for others might not work for me and what made others happy might not make me happy.

The way it worked was whenever we would say "so and so did better than I did at this thing" my mom or dad would ask "and how does that compare to how you were x amount of time ago and how you are now?". If we said something negative they'd ask why and how we thought we could make ourselves better. If we had a setback -and I had quite my share of those when I was a kid living with them- they'd ask "and what did you learn from it?" and "how will this make you better?". That way of thinking was so ingrained in us as kids that as an adult its the only way I know how to be.

As a footnote, my mind will default to "factory settings" sometimes and for a split second I do feel the need to compare... but I quickly remember my past self and go from there. Hope that helps!

Comparison is the thief of joy. Try to be positive and grateful for what you have. Others are less fortunate, even if they appear more successful than you.