Help. I’m giving myself a hard time because I don’t think I want kids. I worked during undergrad and law school, and I like not worrying about money anymore. I like my freedom. I have no desire to be pregnant. But I feel tremendous guilt. Life is great now, but I worry that I’ll be alone or bored when I’m old. I’m jealous that some women have always known that they want to be a mom. I just don’t think I can handle the mental load. Please tell me why you chose to have kids or not. F34, married.

I felt like that until I didn’t (when I was 34ish), and something in me just really wanted kids and doing the same stuff I’d been doing — travel, fancy restaurants, drinking, etc. — just didn’t feel good or complete anymore. Took me 2 years and 3 miscarriages to have my first baby. Pregnancy is for the birds, and omg having a baby is so all-consuming and even harder than I ever expected, but he is so perfect and precious and I wouldn’t change anything.

That said, if it isn’t a hell yes for you, maybe it’s a no, and that’s okay too.

Just like sex, children should be had with enthusiastic consent only. Signed, a mom of a very sweet 7 year old.
(You don’t want to resent them, they can tell and then they grow up and they resent you back)

Like someone alluded to, I won't bring a kid into this world unless it's a hell yes / burning desire. And it's not, so it's an easy answer for me. I think "because I don't WANT kids" is the best reason not to have kids. Husband is on the same page.

From time to time I have concerns about being alone when I’m older, but those thoughts have been about romantic partners and friends, never kids. Kids grow up and leave and start their own families. Of course you are still family, but it’s never the same and you could still be alone and bored some if not most of the time if you don’t have other people and interests in your life.

I always thought I might have children if I met someone who wanted to have them more than I did, bc I was always a bit iffy. I have friends and family who always knew they wanted to be mothers and some moved mountains to make it happen. I didn’t and that is a 100% valid feeling and life choice. No guilt.

Agreed, unless it’s a hell yes, don’t feel guilty for wanting to say no. It’s hard work. Signed a mom who desperately loves her two littles (while one currently has the flu and is planning to wreck my work week :)).

Do you want kids, period? Do you want kids even if they're nothing like you? Do you want kids even if they come with developmental issues that take a lot of time, money, and effort to manage? Do you want kids even if they don't end up wanting the kind of relationship you want them to have with you? Do you want kids even if it takes five years to have one? These are the sorts of things you should ask yourself, not whether you'll feel lonely when you're older.

I only had a baby because I knew that was the deal I signed up for with my husband when we got married - he wanted kids. So okay I did, even though I didn’t really want kids. Now I have three, and I want a fourth. I love being a mom. I still don’t necessarily love kids in general, but omg do I love mine.

Only have kids if you genuinely want them. They are a ton of work. I wouldn’t force it.

I was never sure on kids either. But as a previous commenter said, at some point the things I was doing socially stopped feeling meaningful (dinners, cocktails, etc). For me it started feeling like my weekends were the same thing, and I started feeling myself being envious of my friends who did have kids. Seeing their excitement at holidays. Or family birthday parties. Going to tee ball games etc. I started realizing I wanted those things too, and now have a 2 and 4 year old. If you never reach the point where u find urself envious of those with kids, then I think that’s ur decision right there! I’m now 38, have a couple close girlfriends with no kids who also don’t want kids and that’s ok too !! Don’t worry about life when ur old bc tomorrow may never come. Just focus on what will make you happy in the present!

I second the comments about children only being had with enthusiastic consent.

I was never sure if I wanted kids, but it was what my husband and I were moving towards. I hit a health roadblock that forced us to slow down which gave us the opportunity to actually listen to ourselves instead of the external pressures. We both independently realized that we really want to be childless. We want the freedom of not having children so that we can travel often and move out of the country to chase our dreams. I’m 34 and even though it was nerve wracking at first, I am feeling confident in my decision to not birth children. My husband and I check in with each other every few months or so and we are still in alignment.

I was you - for 33 years I didn’t want kids. And I had a baby just before I turned 35. But I’m stopping at one (even though my pregnancy was easy and I was quick to fall pregnant)!

I actually disagree with all the other comments that you need to have a burning desire to have kids. I was quite ambivalent after considering to keep an open mind (though my husband had a burning desire!). And I don’t resent my baby at all! I actually enjoy being a mom!

I think it's wonderful that you're being thoughtful about it! Feeling guilt about it is interesting and I hope you find others that have shared that feeling so you won't feel alone in it and can explore it more (and hopefully move past it). I fall into that category of always having known I wanted to be a mom. This is, obviously, totally personal to me. But I chose to have children because it's far and away the most meaningful thing I could do, for my own life and for the world. Children are an individual blessing and an investment in my own future, but they are an investment in the future of the world, too. It's also a lifestyle I've always known I wanted. Even before I had my own nuclear family, there was nowhere I'd rather be than home and nobody I'd rather spend time with than my family. When I'm rocking a baby to sleep at home on a Friday night I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. If my personality type longed to be out exploring and engaging more (which are wonderful traits!) I'm sure that transition would've been a lot harder. For me, children make the mundane seem exciting. Mine are 2 and 4 now and anything and everything can seem magical to them. You can get them excited about chores, grocery shopping, you name it. You get to experience the wonder of life anew again. It is, of course, incredibly hard too. But I'd choose it million times over.

I’m 37F, married and just never wanted kids. I have a genuinely good time seeing my friends with children and getting to hang out with them but it doesn’t change my mind. I just never pictured that life for myself. Husband and I are very happy with our little family (we’re dog people!). And that’s that. I actually don’t think you need to overthink it.

I am 59 and never had kids. I don't regret it. I had some mild panic about it in my early 40s, but it was short lived, and I think it was more societal than about what I personally wanted. You can always he an auntie, whether by blood or choice. I personally find that it simplifies my life a bit. I have more time [and money] to do hobbies or to throw at my cats. I have plenty of friends who don't have kids, and I can live vicariously off of everyone else's pictures of babies.

While I always felt like I should have kids, I was never a "kid person" and I was not the type that had always wanted to be a mom. Kids were just not my thing. My husband really wanted kids, an in the back of my mind it was there, but I was VERY hesitant. It is a huge, lifelong commitment! When we finally decided to have kids, everyone around me was shocked. I was very "whatever" when I was pregnant with my first, and my husband was afraid I would completely reject the baby when it was born. My experience was quite the opposite. As soon as she was born, she was my favorite little person and I couldn't have wanted her more. I feel the same way about my second. I think the hesitancy was actually helpful because you think about what goes in your raising kids, a you aren't taking that step looking through rose colored glasses.

They are my world and I love being their mom and seeing them learn and grow. It's definitely different than no kids, a days can be stressful. But my main point is that you don't know how you'll really feel. Just because you feel this way now doesn't mean that's how you'll feel if you decide to have a baby. Different people also prefer different stages, but that's the beauty of it - they are stages and they do pass. Life goes by fast, and while I could do more and have more for myself if I didn't have kids, I'm having the best time traveling with them and giving them experiences as kids that they'll take with them for life. I personally wouldn't change it for the world.

Was going through a similar struggle last summer - recommend the book “The Baby Decision” by Merle Bombardieri. It’s an old book but I personally found some of the thought provoking questions in the first half of the book somewhat helpful to this dilemma

I had 1 at 27 while in law school. You could not beat me into having one at 34 or 35. The lack of sleep hit hard at 27 and I’ve become an incredibly light sleeper since having a child. The demands of raising a baby can be hard when youre mid 30s and older, so I can’t bring myself to have another. I love my child to death, but I often look forward to feeling “free” again once he graduates from high school.

I also 34, very long term partner. I don’t feel guilt- what makes you feel guilty?
I do feel very conflicted and upset bc I’m having a hard time making a decision about what I want . Scared to do it, scared to never do it. No huge baby fever that I have seen so many of my friends be enveloped by . But still a longing or see childs in my long term life path

I have two kids that I wanted more than anything in the world. I love them dearly and have zero regrets but can also completely understand why people wouldn’t want kids. It all puts me at max capacity with my career. If I had a third kid, I feel I would have no choice but to quit law. I think I would be bored without my kids but I would have way more money and time to travel, so maybe I wouldn’t be as bored as I think. I’ve spent more than $200,000 in pre-k childcare alone. My youngest is almost in kindergarten and then it still costs like $20K a year for two in after school care and summer camps. And time off is basically used to take care of sick kids and get my hair done, lol.

First off, thank you for posting this. I am in pretty much the same boat as you and the relief I feel from not being the only one, is a great feeling.

I am F34, unmarried but long-term partner. I worked in undergrad, worked through law school, billed 2000-2200 hours a year for 7 years at a firm before moving in-house. I am JUST feeling like I am able to live my life given the WLB and $$, and frankly, I am unsure whether I want to sacrifice it as this time.

I have zero burning desire to have kids but also worry about what my life will be like as I get older. I am close with my parents, they live down the road, and I would love to have that in my own life but of course there’s no guarantee on anything. I am admittedly fearful of what aging will be like without kids. But at the same time, my parents are older and I find my days and weekends already full between helping them, my own demands (housework, chores, etc), and now trying to enjoy life.

I find myself skipping baby showers because I’m uncomfortable. I am envious of my friends who have partners they can rely on and are forming their own little family. I suppose it’s an odd feeling given I could have that if I wanted, but I suppose I’m more envious at my own lack of desire or indifference.