Help. I’m giving myself a hard time because I don’t think I want kids. I worked during undergrad and law school, and I like not worrying about money anymore. I like my freedom. I have no desire to be pregnant. But I feel tremendous guilt. Life is great now, but I worry that I’ll be alone or bored when I’m old. I’m jealous that some women have always known that they want to be a mom. I just don’t think I can handle the mental load. Please tell me why you chose to have kids or not. F34, married.

I felt like that until I didn’t (when I was 34ish), and something in me just really wanted kids and doing the same stuff I’d been doing — travel, fancy restaurants, drinking, etc. — just didn’t feel good or complete anymore. Took me 2 years and 3 miscarriages to have my first baby. Pregnancy is for the birds, and omg having a baby is so all-consuming and even harder than I ever expected, but he is so perfect and precious and I wouldn’t change anything.

That said, if it isn’t a hell yes for you, maybe it’s a no, and that’s okay too.

Just like sex, children should be had with enthusiastic consent only. Signed, a mom of a very sweet 7 year old.
(You don’t want to resent them, they can tell and then they grow up and they resent you back)

I think it’s totally valid to not want children, and I have many friends in their 40’s and 50’s who chose not to have children and are very happy. I love being a mom and I knew I wanted to be a mom since my mid-20’s but it is HARD, especially trying to work and raise a child. I had pregnancy complications and my baby spent time in the NICU, so the newborn phase was really difficult and we decided we are one and done (and that comes with a whole different layer of guilt when you have people telling you “she needs a sibling or she’ll be lonely,” etc.).

In terms of being lonely or bored later in life, there are so many things you can do volunteer-wise to help kids without having to have them yourself - even fostering could be an option if you feel a calling for it.

Under no circumstances have kids because you feel pressured or this is what society is telling you that's what you need to do to be of any worth. A major life decision that you can't go back on. Focus on making your life whole there are other ways to get involved with supporting kids without having to birth and be fully responsible for if so inclined. Live your life by your own choices not others.

You have clear ideas why not to have kids and all of the reasons make sense. I'm not saying you should have a burning desire to have them, but I don't think you should need to be talked into it either.

Kids are hard. They change all aspects of your life. Finances. Work. Free time. Relationships with others. All of them change.

I wanted kids my whole life and never understood people who didn't want them. Now that I am a mom of 3, I can 100% see why people look at my life and think to themselves "I don't want that." I am happy, I have loved the baby stage and would do it a zillion times over. But it's all so hard and so draining and I absolutely wouldn't want someone to ever feel resentment toward their kids or partner for having kids when they knew they didn't want them for so long.

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids. You get one life. Live it how you want.

I never wanted kids but ended up with 4. Life is so much harder and I worry so much more because this world is so horrible.

BUT now that they are here, I couldn’t imagine not having them. I love them soooo deeply. I wouldn’t change it if I could.

I agree with some of the other comments though: I don’t have much freedom, my salary doesn’t feel as good as it is and money can feel tight at times, I don’t get much sleep, and it hard to just take care of myself.

So… if you don’t want kids. Don’t have them because there will be many sacrifices and the sacrifices will suck more if you never wanted the kids in the first place.

I’m 49 and so so so happy I don’t have kids. I’m not a mom. Kids annoy me. So on Fridays, leaving work, I smile knowing I don’t have kids to deal with when I get home. Sleep late! Go out last minute and not feel bad. So many positives. Plus, overpopulation.