I am dealing with a PIP due to 'professional demeanor' issues. I discussed this with the only female partner in the firm, as I do not feel that I am unprofessional, and was essentially told that I need to stop sharing my life with male co-workers unless it directly affects my job performance, because they can't handle me being myself, and that I need to just be more positive and happy. Am I justified in being offended and hurt by this? Why do I have to change to accommodate men?

I would avoid sharing my personal life at all with people at work, male or female. Keep it professional and cordial, get your work done and log off.

I used to work with a woman who mentioned participating in orgies to our male colleagues. I never participated in these discussions but was made aware of them and felt so bad for her. Not saying your conversations are this inappropriate but there’s definitely such a thing as over sharing. And when people are of the opposite sex that could make them especially uncomfortable (as it does women when men overshare).

Do you have an idea of the conversations that she’s referring to?

Hard to judge without specific details, but I definitely know both women and men who would fall into this category. You can be yourself without crossing unprofessional lines. You can talk about your personal life without crossing unprofessional lines. But there is definitively a line. This actually reminds me of one of my really good friends. We met at work and for a couple years, I was in a senior position to her (I'm a couple years older and started at the firm earlier, so normal progression). We were at a client one day that we had a great relationship with and regularly chatted with, and she, in front of the client, started joking about something silly/embarrassing I'd done one when we'd gone out for drinks with friends (maybe a couple too many drinks). I tried to quietly hush the conversation, but she kept going. To me, that was crossing a line and was unprofessional. After the client left, I actually pulled her out of the room and had to explain to her that not everything in my personal life is client-appropriate. She argued and said that I should be the same person anywhere I am, but I whole-heartedly disagree, as do most people in my firm since she was also given poor reviews from other managers for the same thing. I am myself. But I do present myself appropriately for the situation and audience that I am in - I speak differently to my children than to my boss. I talk about different topics with my mom than I do with my friends. You need to be aware of your audience.

There are very few people at work I tell personal details to, and even then it's usually only when prompted (they ask a personal life question). When answering, you need to still be mindful of keeping the conversation professional even though it's a personal topic. Keep it light and not dumping your issues on them.

Coworkers are not the same as friends and are definitely not your therapist. Nor should they be.

Being yourself has nothing to do with over sharing. Keep every conversation strictly work related, don’t share your personal life and you’ll be fine.

I just saw an ig reel (so take it with a grain of salt) saying that PIPs without specific feedback and timelines are just the company's way of protecting themselves as they manage people out. I'm sure it varies from company to company. What is your company's history of people surviving PIPs?

I'm so sorry that is happening to you. That's a tough situation to be in

PIP is just a way for them to fire you. Start looking for a new job ASAP. PIP is basically a warning they want you gone. Don't even bother putting too much effort into it or your job... do the basics and start interviewing. Leave.

I attended a training on power dynamics and it did say that women tend to keep things more "professional" and less conversational when working with male peers or supersvisors. The CPE advice was actually to be a little more conversational / talk about life, not just work, in order to build more repore with higher ranking males. Not quite "join the boys club", but being part of their community, not just a "doer"/underling.

As far as feeling hurt, read How Women Rise by Sally Helgeson. We tend to expect perfection of ourselves. And/Or watch Morgan Burch on social media, a lot of times tough communication and emotional responses take a moment of pause, and better requests for clarification to learn and grow from.

You may not have to change to accommodate men, but you may need to change the men you work around (i.e. change your employer). I acknowledge that also feels like an unfair adjustment to have to make, but it seems to be the world we live in. Your feelings are valid, but the question may be how much you want to fight against the machine.

I’ll echo other comments that I keep my personal life discussions extremely limited unless I’m talking to trusted colleagues (that have earned/demonstrated that trust). When I say limited I mean I don’t even go into a whole lot of detail about what I did over the weekends - it’s “brunch,” at best, and not “brunch at this restaurant with these friends because we were celebrating x.” - as benign as even those details may seem. I’ll be fully myself with friends and family outside of work.

“Am I justified in being offended and hurt by this?”

That question alone speaks volumes about your demeanor.

I doubt that the teething example you provided is the extent of the problem. It’s likely the way you come across both verbally and nonverbally.

I’ve been told about my approach and demeanor a number of times through my career. “Be more positive, smile more, don’t stress the staff, etc.”

If no one has counseled you before on this then it’s not appropriate for you to be put on a PIP.

I think that we cannot really judge this situation because there are always 3 sides to a story. While you could very well be telling the whole truth, it’s very uncommon that people hold themselves accountable, especially people on a PIP.

Revolting