Looking for opinions. Graduated B-school and moving ~9hr w/ bf (3.5 hrs from where we are from) Bf has said for months he wants to spend the 2 weekends before we move at his mom's. We'd be there 9 days. Back for 3 days and move. Not great, but been the plan for 2 months. Haven't booked anything because he didn't want to yet (and I did)

He's w/ his family now. Calls me and says he wants to see if we can move in before the lease starts. (5 days before, moving 2 wks earlier than planned) cont..

That sounds exhausting. What are his expectations for visiting them after you move? Are you guys on an active track to marriage? Did you meet at bschool?

Cont. Tells me this is less back and forth (we have 2 cars and a moving truck) Now involves staying with family for 2 weeks w/o my car, and immediately dropping our stuff to go to his family. I'm not a fan.

I ask qs and he tells me his brother's girlfriend's family will be there the weekend we planned on moving, and he wants to be there to meet them. They are all flying, so it's been planned for months, and he only found out cause his mom told him while they were talking about summer plans. It's 5 weeks away.

Am I wrong thinking we shouldn't be re-arranging our cross-country move for this? I feel lied to from the start of the convo, and we've had a lot talks about him putting me below his family on his priority list. I said I'd do whatever that didn't involve trying to change our lease, or unloading things and immediately leaving (but told him he could go if he wanted to). He didn't like that either.

it sucks to entertain an idea that would create a lot of hassle!

if this was a husband I’d go with the flow but understand that since he introduced the inconvenience, he will take the brunt of it as well - ie, he is solely responsible for working with the leasing offices, and majority of packing, hauling, driving.

as this is a boyfriend…. I would make him choose. are we moving together or not? in what world is this hassle making your life better? its just not. youll be fine with or without a boyfriend

I’m having trouble following your story. Do you have movers or are you doing it yourself? I would get movers (maybe send him the bill) and proceed with moving the date you had locked in and let him show up whenever he’s done with the family stuff

Appreciate all the thoughts here! Really is very helpful!

I would personally be most stressed by the idea of moving to a new place and immediately up and leaving to visit his family, so I would agree with the following stipulations:

1) He pays for a rental car while you stay with your parents
2) He hires professional organizers that will unpack and organize your new place while you are out of town.

For what it’s worth - although I also am not sure I am following - this doesn’t seem that bad. If he has a family that has a lot of expectations on spending time together, this may be hard on him to say no — the guilt can be real from mothers. If this is someone you really want to be with I’d try to understand if he’s doing it out of guilt / not able to say no or if he really wants to do it. If you don’t have the same family dynamic he may be honestly jealous that you are “free” of these kinds of obligations. Regardless I don’t think the negativity here is totally warranted, partnerships sometimes involve a “hassle.” The real issue to dig into is that you feel like a low priority and you aren’t on the same page about where family obligations fall in your collective lives. If I was already in town I’d have the same obligation to stay to meet a sibling’s spouse’s family.