Anyone else daydream about a small accident that would require a few days in the hospital so I could get a break from work and kids? Maybe have my husband appreciate me a bit more. Nothing crazy that I couldn't recover from quick-ish. Anyway, thanks for listening to my inner thoughts 🥴

Yes often, it was a sign to leave my job because I couldn’t set boundaries.

Absolutely when I had an awful job. Not married and no kids but I don’t feel like that anymore now that I have a sane job. My last job didn’t respect vacations or even sick leave. You were on call past 10 pm 7 days a week 365 even vacations and holidays. I would think the same thing wanting a few days to a week off. That is extreme burnout and it’s a sign you should consider perhaps going part time or finding a better work environment. For me my current job gives me a lot of flexibility (remote and otherwise) and autonomy and are great folks, so while my new practice area is boring and not into it, the fact that my weekends are usually mine and nobody is fussing at me at 10 pm demanding I redo non-urgent work has made me feel so much better.

I also thought about anything I was doing that stressed me out and did not serve me. One of those things was cleaning. I hired a housekeeper to come in once every two weeks and I made sure that I found one who does fold laundry and put it away because that was one of my least favorite tasks that took up so much of the weekend. It ended up costing a lot less than what I thought it would, and if it cost twice as much, I would do it over again now my weekends are mine instead of spending my weekends cleaning.

So if you have any flexibility to spend on convenience like paying for a nanny for pickups and drop offs, or if you have a baby paying for a night nurse to the extent that your budget allows it can save your marriage. I would look at some of the tasks that your husband is doing too if he’s doing anything like cutting the grass instead of spending time with kids and see if you guys can farm that out to a yard service because of the result is that he helps you more in the household or he spends more time with the children to give you some time to yourself and that will be helpful. My other tip that I’ve gotten from some of my married girlfriends is make some time for yourself. I don’t know how your husband is but if he’s even halfway decent, tell your husband every other weekend or once a month you’re going to the hair salon and nail salon (or spa or whatever it is that’s your jam) and you go for those 2+ hours and that is your time. After that go see a movie or something alone. He can watch his own children, and you can do the same thing for him so he can have some time to himself. If you like working out or fitness classes, make sure you go once or twice a week, and he can watch his own kids.

I also recommend couples counseling not bc things are broken but before things are broken.

Nobody cares if women are unhappy. I hate to say it… because things still get done when we are unhappy, and they (kids, spouse, society, parents, our work) presume that as long as things are getting done that you’re really not as upset as you say you are, I would have this conversation with your husband, and I would tell him how you genuinely feel and mention to him exactly what you’ve written here. Tell him this is serious and that something has got to change and TELL him (don’t ask him) he will be helping out more if he is not helping out. If he isn’t currently helping much, tell him how you plan on allocating the work in the future/discuss who is doing what. Let him know you will be making more time for yourself by taking one morning and afternoon a month (if that’s how often you choose) to spend some time for yourself and he will be picking up the slack during that time.

Hang in there. I’m really sorry this is happening to you, but I’m happy that you stopped to ask the question. This is telling you that you need to change something in your life. I don’t know that I agree with mental health leave not because you’re not entitled to it and not because I don’t think that it will be helpful. I simply believe that when you take a leave from many jobs, (not all jobs) is that it kind of puts a target on your back when you do return especially if you’ve had to take off any time for that job for maternity leave or for sick kids or relatives. Jobs tend to retaliate. For every one story I hear about how taking leave helped them reset and regain their lives. I hear about five more of how it compounded stress by putting a target on them.

If your family is reliant upon your income, that may not be a stress that you want right now, so I would focus on what things in your life can you automate. If you’re going grocery shopping, can you have items delivered? What processes can you put on auto pay? How can your children and spouse help you out to take some load off of you because even kids can do chores. Who can you hire who can fill in the gap? What task are you doing each week that you absolutely cannot stand? What hobbies do you miss that you’re not doing anymore because I presume that you’re probably not doing your health your hobbies because I stop doing my hobbies when I felt the way that you feel.

And please do not allow yourself to believe that if you don’t do everything, everything will fall apart. it might in the short term, but when you don’t step in and those things don’t get done people then start to realize that you’re serious… so if it means you have to let the dishes pile up in the seat in the sink for weeks as uncomfortable as that is to teach them a lesson then do that. If it means you have to hire someone to come in and help you with tasks that you don’t wanna do, please do that.

And for every task that your husband refuses to help you with if he’s one of those husbands who doesn’t help just quietly say “OK, honey.” Then go right ahead and hire someone bc a lot of husbands, including my stepfather when I was growing up who used to get really upset when my mom would ask him to help with something like organizing the garage or their closet or fixing the garage door opener, and he wouldn’t help, he’d come home from work one day to see that she hired someone and they were gonna be spending hundreds of dollars to do that thing he refused to help with… then magically he started being OK with helping because he didn’t like seeing that type of money leave their house.

This is a sign you need a break asap. And also you should think about a long term plan that is healthy and sustainable ❤️‍🩹

You might need a mental health break. Consider short term disability leave.

I read an news article once that said this is a very common fantasy for moms. I think it's a really sad commentary on how poorly we as a society support mothers and families.

Unfortunately yes, I used to before going part time. Nothing that I couldn’t recover from, but something that necessitated a break and serious enough that no one would question said break.

Yes and this was the point I knew I needed to do something else. There’s literally an episode of The Former Lawyer podcast that talks about how this is o common in our field but not normal.

For years.

Yes, very frequently. Right now as well. I want to say I'm glad to know I'm not alone, but of course this is not something we should ever feel glad about.

Lol. Hospital sleep is the worst sleep you'll ever get. I had sepsis last year and they made me stay overnight for observation. I had my hubs bring me a blackout eye mask and my purple pillow and headphones. Everything in there constantly beeps, blinks, and generally emits light and noises. And those hospital beds are not comfortable either. 10/10 do not recommend. Book yourself a staycation at a hotel with a spa and sleep and get some massages.

Yes, frequently.

Yes although less from my job and more from just wanting to sleep for 2-3 nights uninterrupted which hasn’t happened in who knows how long between my 1 year old, 4 year old, and husband 😂

OMG just check yourself into a nice hotel for a few days and turn off your phone for most of the time you’re there. This is absolutely available to you, in a non-bonkers way.

Not an accident, because I didn’t want to pay for it lol but definitely a break when I was in big law. I finally left and it got so much better. I have a great job now and a husband who takes a majority of the mental load and some days I still wish to get away for a bit. My husband travels a lot for work and I’m always jealous he gets to go away for a few days, while he hates it and just wants to be home. So yes, even with a pretty great life I still wish to go away sometimes.

That said, it sounds like you REALLY need a break. Short term leave is available for mental health, please talk to someone about it! It’s worth it. I promise.

Yes I had very similar thoughts on more than one occasion when both my kids were U12