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Do you care to understand / could you explain what being a SAHM actually entails? Can she talk to you about the stresses and challenges of her role?
If it matters to you that she shows more interest and understanding in your work, have you talked to her about that?
Do you openly share what you do with her…your wins, challenges, and the parts of your day that weigh on you? That kind of communication can bridge a lot of disconnect. Being a SAHM can be overwhelming, but I’m sure she would appreciate feeling included in your world and being someone you turn to for support.
If you feel distant because she doesn’t understand your work, chances are she may feel distant too. Try being intentional about connecting—not just a quick “here’s what I did today,” but real conversations where you both listen to understand, not just respond. Don’t take it too personally just yet, start with communication and see how much that changes things.
My husband has no idea what I do, I don’t even know exactly what I do lol
Just tell her you’re an assassin
Or a stripper. She’ll be very curious then about your work and clients 😂
It doesn’t really matter to your children who you are out in the world, because at home you are just “Daddy”
Why should she be any different? If she loves you and waits for you to come home because she misses you, that should be enough!
If all they know about you is that you are kind of a big deal in the world that earns enough so mom can be home, I don’t know if that’s something to complain about?
Tbh I don’t even know what a “Product Counsel” does 😅
Yep I agree this is exactly why she doesn’t understand. That was super confusing and sounds like someone who is trying to use business-talk to sound more important than they are. I am not saying that’s the case. That’s just what it sounds like when it’s worded that way.
Most people don’t understand what I do either so I had to find better ways of describing it. I work on proposal teams as a desktop publisher but I can’t just say that if I want them to ‘get it’. When asked I tell people that I help companies win govt contracts and that usually entails sitting for hours flipping through Word documents making them look presentable and making sure they follow the rules required for submitting the proposal. Kinda like writing 100+ page college paper. And then sometimes I get to be creative and make a proposal look pretty with graphics, but most of the time it’s boring documents.
Rising Star
My husband owns a small business. I
do know about what he does though have no interest in working for him.
Likewise, I work with behaviorally difficult kids or kids with excessive trauma, and crisis work. My husband only knows how many kids struggle in school and bc I always have healthy snacks for the kids I work with, my husband would always remember my students snacks when he went shopping for the family. He knows what student eats apples, who eats grapes, who will only eat gold fish , etc. He takes that off my plate which is always so nice. Seems insignificant but it’s really not.
*Kids who come from poorer households rarely have fresh fruit
My wife did lots of work with adjudicated youth, but grew up with a comfortable amount of money. I grew up with just enough money...but I didn't have fresh fruit.
When we moved in together, I had to explain this nuance as to why we should get produce from the discount grocer. It's cheaper and the poor people that shop there don't touch it! It's a shame, but it's true, especially for the vegetables. No one has picked over it and there's always plenty to choose from.
I can’t imagine being married to someone who has no clue what I do for a living and, who obviously doesn’t care enough to find out. She may not need to understand the technical aspects of your job, but at a minimum she should be able to give a basic description of your role to other people. You say she’s intelligent, but that’s definitely not the vibe your post gives off.
It’s mad that your spouse doesn’t know what you do. I’m also assuming then you can never talk about work related things/stresses/accomplishments with her. She has a sweet deal that as long as you’re a high earner she doesn’t care what you do.
What was she doing before she was a SAHM? I can imagine if she only held a service industry role she doesn’t care to comprehend anything more complex at all.
Responding to OP’s comment in this thread, please count your blessings, too. Both my spouse and I work full-time and need to because we are public sector. You work basically 9-5, make $300k per year, and have a SAHSpouse to take care of the kids and manage an household annd coordinate family events/appointments, meals, laundry, etc - during the day so your evenings and weekends are more freed up? (Now, do not misinterpret this to mean should should not help with any of those things either. Taking care of little ones during the day and ensuring healthy development does not leave a lot of extra time for household tasks - once they are in school that gets easier.) But, sir, let’s be clear that you also lead a pretty privileged life. As the wife, if I was in your shoes I would be absolutely thrilled to come home to a SAHH taking care of the kids and all those things for me while I was at work. I would feel like I lived a pretty cushy life. And it sounds like she wants to know. She asked you to tell her. You seem annoyed at her that you had to explain it. Please, practice gratefulness and you will see how lucky you are. Think of your life if she wanted to pursue a career like you. Your evenings and weekends would be so much different. And be kind to her when the kids are grown. That’s when her sacrifice will hit hard. You’ll still have your status and career. Hers will have left her for their own futures. Be grateful and kind.
I’ve been in the same like of work for 10+ years and when people ask what I do, I say, “yeah… that’s a good question”
I can’t imagine a world where I wasn’t curious about my husband’s work life and he wasn’t interested in mine. We have completely different jobs and backgrounds, but discussing work dynamics and leadership skills is an important part of what we talk about. We spend most of our days at work, so it’s hard to not even be interested. Even if one of us didn’t work, I would imagine we would still be asking the other one about their day and how things went/ big presentations/ dealing with difficult people, etc.
Same, M3. My spouse and I talk about all of the dynamics of our work, next possible moves/promotions, and help each other solve problems we’re having. I still can’t explain what his day to day responsibilities are though 😂
Use chat gpt to explain it like I’m 5. Pretty easy to do. Or give her speaking points if it’s that important.
She asked you because she wants to know. Show appreciation, and explain it to her. That's all there is to it.
Met my wife the year after we graduated college and have been together 21 years. She’s been in institutional banking operations ever since - 4 banks, 8 or 9 different segments. I think I been able to explain 2, maybe 3 of them.
You’re describing most relationships where the couple has non-overlapping career paths.
It’s neither healthy nor toxic in its own. But if you feel like you want her to know what skills you use on the job and celebrate your wins with you, then that’s something which could create resentment.
Chief
It sounds like she could explain it to people if they asked. You’re an attorney. You practice law. I also work in a niche area. If someone asked my spouse, they would say I’m an auditor and I audit xyz industry.
My husband did not really understand what I did when I moved to security. He had a "general" idea. It certainly made talking about the day a tad difficult for a bit.
I understand what you are saying, but not every job can translate well to others not familiar with a field. I over simplify to others what I do without going into details. I understand that my husband is an air traffic controller, but he probably wouldn't be able to really explain to anyone what I do without the over simplifying explanation that I provide. I'm not offended by because it's not a job that people think about or know exists this includes medical professionals and my job is integral to their business.
My point is, I think it's okay if she has a high level of understanding of what you do for a living. But she should have some interest for more reasons than her having to explain it to people.
It’s your job to explain it to her in a way she would understand if you want her to be able to explain it to people. And the fact that she asked you what you do shows that she does care but just doesn’t understand. If your work is niche and less common, it might take a few tries to explain it correctly. Also talking about your work and people you work with regularly with your spouse helps them retain the information longer as opposed to just explaining once and never talking about it again. There are so many jobs in this world that even the most learned people don’t understand, it’s not because they don’t care or don’t have intelligence to understand, it’s simply because they have never been introduced to people with those jobs. Try to talk to her more about it and regularly. I bet it will help.
I mean, she knows you're an attorney for a company. Corporate attorney. Corporate attorney = lots of money. That's all she cares about.