As a female leader, pls sugggest some phrases that can help me make an insecure DR feel empowered, respected , and important. This DR(M) has demonstrated extreme insecurity since I took on my role. They are not the best performer but have potential. Every time I share suggestions or tips , they feel that I don’t look at them as a ‘leader’. Tried a few strategies in my book and looking for suggestions

Well firstly I would start by documenting all of these conversations with date, time stamps, what they said, what you said, because men like this tend to escalate their behavior and you need a rock solid accounting of the timeline with contemporaneous notes to back you up should he escalate. Recordings are even better if allowed in your state.

If a man said that BS to me and I wanted to be nice about it I would say something like:

I absolutely do see you as a leader of the team, (you can give some concrete ego stroking examples here if needed or wanted) however it is my opinion that good leaders always have room to grow and improve when it comes to their leadership and communication skills. I am sharing this feedback with you today because I want to help you grow as a leader.

Some one off phrases you can use that would help in an investigation:

Many of the leaders at (our company) have expressed to me their belief that career development does not stop until you retire.

*You can also provide them with a list of company and free resources online for career development after your next 1-1 if you haven’t already*

If you want to twist the knife:

I understand feedback can sometimes be hard to hear and can make us emotional. Please sit with my words for now and we can discuss at a later 1-1 when you have had a chance to gather your thoughts.

Also, a lot of the gentle parenting techniques work on men like this.

Leadership is a skill not a title.
Respect has to be commanded not demanded.

Ask them if they want to learn how to be a great leader. If they say yes, offer to send them on a course or get the company to pay for some coaching.

DR is for direct report?

Could you expand on what “extreme insecurity” translates into? Some specific examples would be helpful to suggest more specific approaches :)

But in general, you might apply techniques from the Motivational Interviewing methodology. It has been developed by therapists treating people with addiction; those are typically highly insecure and feel all sorts of feelings when someone is coaching them. E.g. a simple question in form of a question is perceived as an attack, so motivational interviewing practitioners would design a conversation in such a way that questions are presented as statements with an open end, inviting the *patient* to elaborate on a thought presented in the statement, etc.

If this individual believes you don’t see them as a leader, they might be craving some sort of “what do you think” from you, so that they _feel_ like they are given the opportunity to lead/make decisions, etc. When you hear that they are leading themselves/team in the wrong direction, challenge those assumptions and offer an alternative route, and ask what they think about that… (or let them learn by falling on their butt :) that’s the only way to learn for some people, unfortunately.) Basically, from the little info you shared, this person wants to be seen as a (thought ?) leader, so allow them to entertain that idea and course correct by helping play out scenarios when you know they are headed to a dead end of sorts…

This obviously requires LOTS of patience, so I’m sending you all the strength ❤️

I’m a simpleton and also direct so my response would be pretty straight forward. 1. Introspection to ensure you’re the same with him as everyone else (if not look at aligning) 2. Ensure he is aware of what’s expected and close any gaps there 3. When providing feedback if at all possible for a day or so skip the bad. Focus on what he did well. 4. Ask him how he wants feedback delivered 5. Make him get a mentor 6. Shake up the usual by spending time differently with him, such as have him take you through like physically through something he is responsible for.
Last and if nothing else is working and if he has been supervised by anyone still there, reach out snd pick their brain for ideas.

Looking for positive ideas only

I would try naming the pattern at this point - "DR, I have noticed that you tend to respond to tips and feedback by assuming that I don't see you as a leader. First of all, let me be very clear that I do see you as a leader and your potential is part of the reason I want to give you feedback - I want to see you continue to grow. It makes it more difficult when you assume negative intent each time, though, so I would ask that you not do that."

Then think about what he does well, or where he has a lot of potential, and call those things out in the moment. "DR, this is a great example of your leadership with [area]!" or "Perfect - this is exactly the growth I want to see in [area]! Keep it up!"

Sounds like a mental health issue. I would encourage him to use the EAP. Or assign a few training classes around health and wellness. At the next team meeting, encourage everyone to take time off and get their annual physical and mental health check.

Have you sat down with them and assessed what their career plan is, where they want to go, and how you can help? Sometimes just opening a door and being a proactive advocate can make a huge difference. Best bet —focus on structured goals rather than motivational words/speeches.

I find that being direct is always best. You can say anything to anyone as long as you choose your words wisely and come from a place of concern and helpfulness.

I wonder if this person is insecure because they hoped to have been promoted into the role you now hold. If that is the case, did anyone provide guidance on where her gaps are so she understands where she needs to improve?

Also, if you are always sharing tips on how to improve but don’t share areas where they excel, she may feel like she can’t do anything right. If they do have potential, it’s important to share openly with your DR’s.

My DR suffered from a lack of confidence when I hired her and within a year she was a different person. I did this by not overwhelming her but instead through encouraging positive conversations and tackling one area at a time.

Examples? Is ignoring your direction? If so hold meetings with him to give tasks, come to consensus that you both understand the deliverables, and hold him to those deliverables. Has he told you he feels disrespected in his role? If so, one approach might be to be open and clear with him and explain what your role is in the department, what his role is. Not in a condescending way, but a factual way so he knows its not personal, its just what your jobs are. Defining and communicating clearly defined roles and responsibilities solve so many employee problems.