My newly 3 year old son is an absolute beast. It’s nearly impossible to get him ready in the morning and at night. It’s full of screaming and him refusing to do what needs to be done - take his clothes off, go potty, get in the shower. It makes being with him miserable and we feel awful for resenting our limited time with him. I don’t know how normal this is and whether he needs a behavioral evaluation. We are at our absolute wits end. SOS

3-4 yrs is the worst. They’re exploring boundaries and want to be independent and starting to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them. My son will be 4 in December and I wind up losing my patience with him at least once or twice a day and there’s always at least one meltdown.

I’d follow Dr Chelsea Parenting on Instagram and TikTok. Her parenting methods prioritize cooperation and holding boundaries. A lot of her stuff has been super helpful. Tips on how to transition from one activity to another, handling tantrums, knowing when to “drop the rope”.

Unfortunately this sounds pretty developmentally normal and it is a difficult phase. Giving the space to make choices and resetting our own expectations was helpful - sometimes not showering / brushing teeth / sleeping naked / being late happens! 🤨 If truly a non negotiable like getting strapped into the car seat, then we might bribe with a music video as a last resort.

Does he have enough time to transition? I find it a lot harder to get out the door when we wake up only an hour before we have to be at school. He wants to have time to play. Also, the second it’s a power struggle it’s game over for me. Once we hit that point, he will not comply no matter how much I keep ordering him what to do. Much easier if I make the transition fun or feel like it’s his choice (“OK, let’s fly like a superhero to bath!”) Finally, as a last straw we use natural consequences. So if we keep messing around at bath, there’s less time for stories at bedtime. No potty? If we’re out then he’ll have to go in an unfamiliar bathroom with flushing noises he doesn’t like. Dilly dallying around in the morning? Then we don’t get to scooter to school. Overall, my kid is pretty good complying but he’s easygoing. Definitely would take the temperament in mind.

Sorry to be devils advocate but I do not think this sounds normal if it’s every/nearly every morning and night. Yes my 3yo has tantrums and tests boundaries but he also is proud of getting himself dressed and genuinely enjoys his bedtime routine. Are you giving enough time or always rushed? Are you letting him fill his “power” bucket? “Red socks or blue ones?”

If you’re at your wits end I don’t see any harm in an evaluation.

Check out dr Becky good inside (podcast, app, book) she teaches you how to give choices and hold boundaries. It's been a game changer for me and my very headstrong three year old.

Here to say me too...my son will be 3 in 3 weeks and it's like a flip switched. He's been AWFUL. I do remember this being a tough age with my daughter too...hang in there! It does get better!

He takes showers at 3? Do you have a bathtub with toys? Sounds like you’re trying to put him on a schedule. Kids that age need to feel some freedom and that they have choices. Have you read “what to expect.. the toddler years”? It’s very helpful.

It is normal for us. My son is 4 and it takes him forever to go upstairs. He wants to bring alllll his toys upstairs which we say he can’t do and he gets mad and cries. Takes forever to get his teeth brushed and pajamas on. And takes forever once he’s laying down. He wants water, wants to sleep in various places, wants the light on then off then on etc. I think he finds joy in saying no. He refuses to go potty. He always saves it as an excuse to stay awake longer. It is not just you. I think I need better boundaries maybe.

Three is a lot harder than age two.
Things get easier at four.

Hang in there

My kid turns 3 in 4 days and we are very clearly on the brink of this. Testing every boundary, Refusing to go potty at home while doing it regularly (and calmly) at daycare. Laughing at us he defies us. I don’t know at what point it turns into behavioral evaluation concerns, but you’re not alone!

Same.

Three is hard.

Consistent boundaries and routine help. They suck at first because there will be a lot of push back and it takes a lot of energy on your part to hold the boundary… but then your kid will start to trust you and trust the boundary.

A suggestion I have heard but didn’t personally need to use: if you put there clothes for the next day on instead of pajamas, then you only have to struggle to get them dressed once a day.

Had a lot of these issues when my daughter was 4. Turning things into games worked wonders. Try looking up playful parenting as the methodology. For example, she’s fighting going upstairs to start bedtime. Instead of fighting or reasoning, I will say “you can’t catch me” and start running upstairs. Or I turn into a tickle monster that tickles kids who are not running. The other thing with this age is that they can be easily distracted. So instead of fighting to get his clothes off— ask him how his belly button is doing and if his belly button had a good day. Then ask to see his belly button to ask it yourself. Then grab his shirt while you’re talking to his belly button. Basically, give him something else to focus on