My wife and I are struggling a bit with our 4 year old and helping him figure out his emotional regulation and independent play. From the moment his eyes open until he goes to bed he is talking non-stop, and RARELY will sit down and play independently. He will think of any combination of words just to say something — could be complete energetic gibberish, asking me about if there a particular Disney character on the cruise we went on 18 months ago, or telling me that he put a lovey on his cont.

Don't discourage that, it's great!! Many kids struggle with speech or shyness. He clearly trusts you and wants to talk with you. That IS emotional regulation - being able to explain what you're thinking and how you're feeling.

What's the issue?

First of all, I hear you on this being exhausting, especially with another little one. I'm sure you want to have energy for both kids and a little for yourself.

Please know my intention is to offer help, and I don't mean to be judgmental at all. All that said, a few thoughts:
1) Sounds like you have a super smart, confident kid! How amazing is that??? I know it's tiring, and I know the last thing you need is cliches, BUT remember how fast these years go (despite how slow they feel). Remember when they couldn't talk at all? Or walk? Feels like yesterday, doesn't it? This will be gone before you know it. Soon, you'll have an angsty teenager who gives you one word answers. Enjoy it. And perhaps praise him our loud for these things - never hurts to say nice things to your kid, but it also helps your brain to reframe the experience while it is happening.

2) I wonder if your child is feeling your resistance? What if you flip the script? What if you try going to THEM with excitement (first thing in the morning, or after they've been away at school, etc)? I wonder how much of this is seeking attention (especially with a younger sibling on the scene)? If you initiate the hugs, conversation, etc, maybe you'll fill the cup and stem a bit of the demand? Try it and see what happens. It might increase it initially. Don't pull back. He has to get used to the new energy and give it time to trust it before he'll slow down. One of those "gets worse before it gets better" things.

3) I personally think 4 is old enough to start understanding and considering other people's needs. I sometimes say to my kids (7 and 4), "Mummy needs some quiet time," or express that I'm feeling a little overwhelmed or tired. Not in a way that makes them responsible for fixing my feelings, but to bring them into why I'm choosing not to engage the way I normally would and they know it's not about them. You're human, too.

4) How are you guys managing time with each kid? Involving big brother in things for/with the baby, but individual time and attention are also really important. Depending on your setup, that may look like a babysitter or grandparent with baby, so you can spend time with big brother, and vice versa sometimes.

5) Regarding the independent play: i've always gone for open-ended toys - blocks, little kitchen set up sp they can pretend to cook etc, dress up and I find my younger kid is only just really getting into it (much later than my first). I'm not sure when it should happen, but I know I sometimes have to resist the urge to interrupt his play and tell him how to do it (I know). Just let things be. It will come.

Hope this is helpful. I'm in the thick of it with a chatty 4 year old, too, and my now 7 year old talked literally non-stop at that age (to the point where my sisters would comment on it). It did hurt my feelings for him, while I understand that many kids are shy and quiet at that age. The confidence is beautiful. At the same time, I'm glad he's calmed down a bit.....better days will come. I promise!

I think you’ve just described most 3/4 year olds. I got one of those hand held clicker counters to run a test and ours hit me with 1,100 questions and requests over a one day period where I was with him from wake up to bed time.

He’ll play by himself and “read” quietly for short bursts but at the end of the day if we’re there he wants to be with us and engaged. What’s worked best for us is trying to channel that energy into having him “help” with whatever we need to get done. Easier to have them involved and engaged and learning something even if the “help” isn’t exactly helpful.

Daycare.

We have three kids. The first one will always want adult interaction, no matter what. We can encourage it, but we also accept that that's part of his personality.

Hi - parent of 5 here. This sounds pretty normal. My youngest is one of these overly exhausting chatter boxes and he is 5. He never asks me anything about what he said - he’s just chatting and bidding for connection and I’ve noticed that if i don’t indulge him, he feels a very outsized feeling of rejection from it.

Most of the time, I just let him follow me around and I say things like “and then what?”, “oh goodness, that sounds complicated”, and “well isn’t that lovely?” I don’t take in most of it but I do try to give him feedback and try to pick up enough that I can ask him about it later to show him I’m interested in him.

A few things I do when I feel over stimulated and cannot take it another moment of chatter:
1) I have him call a family member on the phone. Grandma and Grandpa seem to fill the need just as well as someone in the house.
2) I give him a big boy job that’s super important and time consuming that I can make comments on to encourage him to keep doing it
3) We do puzzles together but we do them silently. When he tries to chatter I say “I am memorizing the pieces - we have to try to stay quiet so I don’t forget when I answer you.”
4) I’ve taught him a few very complex things to do independently that mentally stimulate him. This took up front investment and I’m amazed by what he accomplishes. For examples: He watches a controlled YouTube channel to learn how to build things in Minecraft and then follows the steps in Minecraft; He uses the iPad for the Lego mindstorms, wonder workshop robots, and scratch; He builds complex marble runs with GraviTrax; I taught him to lay out and organize the pieces before building hard Lego sets so he can find them.

What you’ve shared sounds normal for overly curious little friend. Good luck I know how exhausting it is!

I understand it’s exhausting but your child is exhibiting great trust and personality. I wouldn’t try to discourage.

I didn’t get all the way through these comments so not sure if anyone else mentioned this but… Montessori. The entire philosophy revolves around independence. It requires a bit of legwork to model from the caretakers, and get some ‘work’ set up… but we have done this for our 5 year old for years and honestly, I can’t imagine life without it. You can’t expect hours of play by themselves when you first start, it’s something you work towards… but it has been a lifesaver over here! There is a book called ‘The Montessori Toddler’ that might be helpful to learn a bit more about it!

Sounds like he doesn’t like quiet. Get some school books so he can work on his writing, find easy science projects to do with him. As for self play have 30 min where he has to be in his room for quiet time! He can play, look at books listen to music etc emotional regulations? Throwing tantrums? I told my kids they can be upset but I am not going to listen to it and they can go do that in their room(usually because I said no to something)

Bed and he doesn’t want it on his bed.
We have a 6mo old as well, but the constant (literally 90-95% of the day) need to talk to and touch us is grueling. How have others helped their kids learn independent play, developing confidence, and emotional self regulation?

Play dates on the weekends or after school so that energy can be spent on another little energy bomb!

Maybe daycare ( full time or part time) or sports, play dates, etc. anywhere where he can get energy out and interact with kids similar in age. Schedules add a bit of structure and have helped us. Our kids know when they’ll be able to go outside, have quiet time/nap time, food, etc. It sounds like he’s an only child and I can usually tell who is an only child when interacting with my children. Nothing negative, but most times you can just tell. And this is coming from not an only child… but since there is such a large age gap between me and my older siblings I was pretty much raised as an only child.

Sounds like a healthy child, why would you want to silence him 🤦‍♀️

Could it be an impulse control issue? Have you considered at OT evaluation?

You can just say “Sorry, I’m busy right now” and do something else.. chores, podcast in headphones etc. it’s ok to set boundaries for yourself and your kiddo, he won’t learn how to play independently if he’s never had to.

Agree with others this sounds totally normal and smart/confident by the way. My oldest is similar. Once his brother got old enough to play with that helped a lot too.

I sound some discipline is needed if that count is extremely verbal it needs to be taught to be quiet a child should be seen not heard