Parents who have older kids, how did you manage to find energy post work to actually engage with your child? I switch off work between 5 to 7 PM, prep dinner over weekend, and don't pick up work till after bedtime. It's always a race to finish the last call before the kid comes home from daycare, but the challenge is I am already so drained, then dinner, play time, bath, bed time (half the time I fall asleep in his room) and then pick up work because nothing ever gets done during the day*

Start blocking your calendar during the working day to actually get work done. People are less likely to put meetings on your calendar if it’s already blocked. Also challenge whether all meetings have to be meetings, I’m sure some of them don’t. Also, when the weather is nice I pack up dinner and go straight to the playground after daycare - we eat dinner there in between play and being outside helps me disconnect and recharge and also spend quality time with my kid.

If your work day is filled with meeting so much that you can’t actually work, that is a work scheduling issue. Block off a reoccurring timeslot to do your real work during the work day so people don’t mess with your peace. Ask for a meeting outline prior and figure out if you really need to be on the call or if a delegate can handle it.

Even with technology speeding up our ability to do everything, we have still been suckered into a ‘9-5’ now being ‘8-5’. I will make up time in the evening if something personal pulled me away from work during the work day, but if I was on calls all day then that was a full day and I’ll be back on in the morning.

Also, take a lunch. Step away and decompress midday so the whole day isn’t weighing on you at 5pm.

In summary, set more boundaries at work if work is making your home life miserable.

*except meetings after meetings... I want to be a present parent but I come across as tired and haggard parent despite my best efforts

That sounds like hell.

I think this is common among working parents unfortunately. For me, it required a shift in jobs so that I could be more present or be the parent i wanted to be with her. Even with a less demanding job, i still feel tired though and am not as present as id like. I think parenthood is an ongoing, demanding, juggling marathon that’s just tiring generally. The marathon eventually does wear away at you. To the extent you can’t or aren’t entertaining a switch in jobs, i do think it’s important to have dedicated time for yourself so that you can better appreciate the time together. That made a difference for me. And also know how to delegate tasks that don’t really truly require you/know when it’s okay to just do less even for a day or even a week - nobody is keeping tabs on whether you meal prepped every week etc. Also spending time doesn’t need to be big and glamorous - figure out where your energy level is and try to find something where you can spend time without burning yourself out so you can save energy for the bigger activities you want to commit to down the road with your child. Remove perfectionist mentality from parenthood. You’re doing great. Meet yourself where you are - if you’re in a better place, you can be in a better place to be with them.

Completely agree with all the comments that you should be ruthless with scheduling at work to give you more time to do your work. It’s something I struggle with too, so I am not suggesting it is easy! But I do find half of the meetings I am in, I don’t actually contribute or learn anything. I’m just checking emails in the background. If that’s the case- should I really be in that meeting?

I encourage you to do the same - if you are not leading the meeting or providing critical input to it, is it really the best use of your time? I stopped doing work after bedtime a while ago, and that really helped my energy levels, but I still struggle with not feeling “on top of things” at work, so still trying to work through that.

Au Pair program is a life saver.

45 hrs a week of an energetic 20 something’s time.

People who are willing to move half way around the world and live with strangers for a year are often go-getters. Our all had BA+ education, mostly in teaching.

And even if you double their minimum salary it’s very affordable hours.

When my kids were that age we had a sitter pick them up from day care and feed them dinner a few days a week. At one point she made dinner for us too. If you can squeeze more work in during that time it could reduce your stress a bit and allow you to enjoy the kids before bed.

It gets better. I did exactly what you’re doing with the double shift when they were young. As I got more and more senior, I had more and more flexibility over my time, and things got better in that regard. I also had a full-time nanny. But even with the double shift and the full-time nanny it did turn into too much when I had three of them under the age of five. I guess the oldest was six when I left and went to industry for 10 years. I returned to consulting when they were much older, and it was really easy then.

Outsource things around the house as much as you can and delegate at work as much as you can. It will also get easier as they get older and more independent but then the trade off is more after school activities/ extracurriculars so be selective about how much you sign them up for!

Sometimes what works for me, is doing something with my kids to reset my rhythm. Either a walk/hike, or a play date, a trip to the Y to go swimming. Anytime I’m home I just want to sleep or do housework. Also, with my first we used to bathe her every day. With my second, this is a lot more relaxed. Just “wash up” in the sink is fine on the days off. I keep our meals very simple, even though I love cooking, most nights it’s just a protein and vegetable.

Anyone saying you just have to be more efficient at work may also be working less hours. I can be hyper proficient and still work 60+ hours a week.

I drink iced coffee on the way to school pick up. That enables me to get through time with the kids and be engaged, dinner time, bedtime without falling asleep, and log back on. Probably unhealthy but a lot about this job is :-)

What are you doing in the day time? Are your kids at home?