Anyone struggle with how to divide holidays when one set of in laws lives in the same city and sees your kids all the time (at least once a week) and the other set lives further away and only sees the kids like 4ish times a year? There is no option that everyone is happy with (close in laws want at least 50% and far in laws think they should get more than 50% bc they see the kids less). Trying to combine doesn’t really work since the far in laws stay with us and it naturally becomes their time

Sounds like if there is no arrangement that will make everyone happy, you get to choose what is easiest and best for YOU and your immediate family, and then deal accordingly. If you’re going to get complaining from someone no matter what, then you might as well make yourselves happy.

I see no reason why the in laws who see you all once a week should get 50% of the holidays. I have a similar situation coming up with my in-laws due to us moving, and my husband and I have agreed that we will spend any holidays with my parents who live in another country. And we will see his parents (my in laws) over weekend trips/taking a day off work to make an extended weekend as needed. The latter is in addition to the times they just come over anyway given they will be just an hour drive from us.
The spending of holidays with my family was my condition for moving.

My ex husband and I struggled with this a lot after our kids were born—one family lived 3 hours from us and the other family lived and hour and a half away.

We never spent as much time with the family that lived further away. I wish I would have put my foot down and said we were spending the actual holiday at home—if anyone wants to see us on the actual holiday, they can come to us. Otherwise we will celebrate the holiday with them on a different weekend/when it’s easier to travel with the kids. But that didn’t happen 🙃.

You will never make other adults happy, so stick with a plan that works best for you and your immediate family. Holidays are stressful enough!

Wait, the far away set is coming to you? Oh, this is easy - and frankly, this is my policy and has been for the last 14 years.

I host the holidays and everyone is welcome to come. It’s fantastic and there are no sides, it’s just pure family chaos and a free for all. Both sides always attend and have gotten close over the years. There is no picking and choosing.

The last five hours away we rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas year after year. My brother is on the other schedule so we can at least spend one of those holidays together. He does the same thing when I’m away he goes to his in-laws.

It’s great you’re trying to appease them but the truth is it is your family and your choice. They are not entitled to any of you or your family’s time. If you present it as a decision you’ve already carefully made rather than inviting discussion, you might have better luck.

That said, maybe you could do thanksgiving with the nearby family every year and Christmas with the far away one, if Christmas is more important.

The far away family is staying with you and the close family is complaining that you aren’t ditching your houseguests to spend 50% of the time solo with them? I completely understand that they want to have holiday time and traditions but that isn’t fair of them to expect.

If you’re hosting one side of the family, make plans that make sense for you and then invite the close family to join in for specific events (e.g., holiday dinner, a gift opening window, a pool trip, seeing a movie, etc). Share the agenda, make sure they know they’re invited, and then leave it up to them to come to what they’d like. They should understand that since you’re hosting you won’t be coming to their place unless the far away family is also invited.

I find its best to avoid any in-laws as much as possible holiday time or anytime, but maybe that's just me

My folks come the week before Christmas and leave after Christmas breakfast. My in-laws arrive in time for Christmas lunch and stay for the week following Christmas. They switch off each year. It works for us. Some years one will come for Thanksgiving week and the other will come for Christmas week.

Do what you want without regret or apology. Or go with those that see the kids less. I keep family events separate and they all live within ten minutes. No need to mix. Old people have no boundaries and I learned the hard way to “let them” be mad without regret.

I think 50% make sense, I don’t see why the in laws living closer should get penalized just because they are closer.

Holidays are special times where fond memories are made. My sister has been doing the rotation each year with Thanksgiving home and Christmas away with out of state in-laws then following year Thanksgiving away and Christmas home for many years now. Both family’s are happy to be able to spend the holidays with them and children grow up enjoying holidays with their cousins and family from both sides.

Make the tradition at your own house and invite them to come

We spend a bit more time with the far away ones because they miss out a lot. If someone has a problem I always suggest moving and doing it the other way around. Then they put themselves on the reverse situation and shut up

Have an Open House Holiday. If they want to come visit, they can. No stress on you. No picking sides, and they can figure out the travel plans.

A friend of mine did this annually, and it worked out well, especially when the kids were in the high school/college/career phase for all three kids.