Christian men, why are there so few of you in churches? One seasoned deaconess at my church theorizes it’s because 1) Men who go astray tend not to come back for reasons of guilt, whereas women who do tend to rely on their faith/church families even more for support 2) Many churches are no longer missional. So the sense of purpose, of building something etc. is lost for men. Curious to know what you think, and if you can invite your male friends. We need husbands over here. 😅

25M Episcopalian for reference here.

For me, I’ve stopped going to church because I feel as though the relationship I can grow with God is through the work I put in with prayer, mindfulness and gratitude. I no longer see church as an essential part of my spiritual growth as I don’t see the benefit. I rather spend the hour where I would be sitting in church, singing, and listening to a sermon being present on my own with God and growing my personal relationship with him.

I’m also in a 12-step recovery group and get my sense of community and fellowship from there, so that benefit of church is no longer a driver for me either.

I would say it’s because they are not theologically sound and neither are the churches they occasionally attend. Surface depth love, love, love and charismatic theology is a rot. Men also tend to rely on their own ability to work out salvation or sanctification and fail to see the folly. It’s sad.
Matthew 7:21-23
Hebrews 10:25

Loaded question but I'll take a stab at answering since I've also been asking myself why I (32M) have yet to commit to regular church going despite being a serious Christian in my personal life and on several occasions being intentional about trying to find a home church.

1) There's some truth to 1 and 2 of what your deaconess said. To that I'd add most western churches are not masculine environments. The pastors are kind of sappy, sometimes wax hysterical as they try to compel people to come to Christ, and generally just come off as weak. A fair number of them I wouldn't particularly respect as a man if I ran into them in any other context in life. Likewise for a lot of the guys in the congregation. They're good people, but many lack that inner masculine fortitude, and I can't help but think that's partially a function of church culture. On point 1 specifically, when I've found myself straying in a part of my life, I instinctively shy away from church to avoid bringing disrepute to the name of Christ by presenting one way on Sunday and another the rest of the week. Certainly I've observed other folks think going to church once a week makes the rest of their lifestyle okay, but I've always found that distasteful.
2) There's little spiritual growth in most churches past a certain point. The rhythm to the services is generally music/worship, a tiny bit of Bible reading, a bunch of the pastor's personal views sprinkled with some folksy wisdom, and a plea for unbelievers in the audience to come to Christ. As someone who spent a ton of time in my youth studying the scriptures and theology and trying to know God personally, I find that I rarely get anything out of the sermons. I also think the purpose of the church (the universal ekklesia instead of a specific building or denomination) is to build up the body of believers, but mainstream churches are so focused on growing attendance they constantly try to convert newcomers while continuing to deliver milk instead of meat to people who have been believers for decades.
3) There seems to be a tradeoff between seriousness and rigidity. Churches that are wishy washy and all about getting people in the door are open to a wide array of viewpoints, generally have loose membership requirements, and more freedom to discuss things in small groups, but people are generally less serious about their faith. The more conservative churches are hardcore about their faith, but also very rigid in their statement of beliefs and demand you accept it all before you can join. I for example am a universalist and have come to the conclusion that the typical view of hell is not biblically based. Good luck finding a small group where you can have a serious, open discussion about that topic with other people really seeking the truth.
4) Like you, I also was interested in church for the potential to build a community and find a spouse. One thing I've observed though is that women in church tend to either treat it as a ...

39m Presbyterian... for me it's the social isolation at church. There are many cliques in churches and it's hard to get plugged in. (I volunteer twice weekly and go to a community group weekly but beyond that it's hard to branch out.) And it's hard to take mainstream Christendom seriously after their Trump idolatry. If the Holy Spirit isn't convicting them reject that or repent from it, it's hard to find community with them. That alone has very nearly broken my faith. Why go when you know what a brood of vipers awaits?

Also, we've all seen the creeper single guy who talks to every single single woman at the church socials or after service coffee hours... no one wants to be that guy or be approached by that guy. Best to make the sign of peace, then peace out.

I've been an weekly church goer in DC, SF, or NYC for almost two decades and never once had a fellow church goer hint romantic interest in me. And that's fine, arguably as it should be in a modern context. Better to stick to the apps and find a Christian in another church who you won't bump into at the communion line after you break up. That's how I've met all my Christian gfs and current partner.

Be encouraged! There are Christian men out there and you have the ability to find them and pursue them like never before. The social strictures that required men to pursue and women to be pursued are no longer (and were never required by scripture, see: Abigail and David), and you have liberty in Christ (see: Galatians) to pursue a partner of your choosing. You don't need to wait for Sunday!

Cross examined has a good vid on this. The word is watered down in most churches these days and the men that are leading are not strong and rather hypocritical and some even weak.

Think about how pious the first Jewish Christians and gentile converts were… you will see none of that in modern day church

31M here. The church doesn’t really cater to mens issues and needs. More men than ever grow up without fatherly examples/guidance in their life and churches typically don’t have that.

You need only husbands? Or are single males allowed too?

1. My observation is that on average, men in professional fields are less religious than women.

2. Some men don’t like being “preached” in a traditional classroom setting so they would prefer contribute through other means, such as volunteer outreach, etc.

3. Let’s be real here - if a man has a successful career, lots of wealth, lots of connections, and lots of opportunities to have fun and travel the world, what makes you think he would stick with a local church instead of finding an exotic romance in Morocco or Italy?

Mid 30s former proud (very former) Episcopalian. I am about as masculine as the stereotypes come (think Brawny Man, plus extensive time on oil rigs, then in a combat unit in the military), which is otherwise irrelevant but you mentioned it in your post so I'm providing that context. The church I was raised by and want to return to doesn't exist anymore. I don't want politics of any form in my church, I want a place for people to be united, not divided. I can pray on my own multiple times every day, and in doing so avoid the drains that come with dealing with tribalism on Sunday in church - the one place where that kind of mindset should never be.

Thanks everyone for responding. I happened to be traveling yesterday but plan to sit down, think, and respond thoughtfully to your comments! When I’ve had gaps in my church attendance, it’s been for very similar issues, actually. My most recent non-gap was at a church where some of the pastors (there was a handful) were truly gifted at exposition, as they call it. Sermons felt like a mini lesson in Jewish tradition, history, theology, before they were applied to our context. And they loved God. So it was easy to look up to them as leaders. And yet there were still many more women than men! I unfortunately had to leave the city but hope I can find a similar church.

29 year old Roman Catholic woman: most of our churches (in the DC area) are full of both men and women. I’d say the sound theology, the obligation to attend Mass, and of course the Eucharist are three big reasons men come to church. Preaching has an effect too - at my parish, we are blessed with a talented, young, orthodox priest who gives wonderful homilies and has a deep reverence for Christ.

I’m not a man though, so please take all of this with a grain of (holy) salt 😂

Lotta authoritarian vibes in this thread....