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Sometimes I feel like I’ve only made it as far as I have because my skin is lighter and Im not exactly hard on the eyes. I always did well in school and I think I did okay in my interviews, but after being involved in recruiting, it feels like I shouldve NEVER made it through the recruiting process. 2 1/2 years in I still feel completely out of place when Im with colleagues because of our many cultural differences. And then when Im around the people that I grew up with I feel extremely pretentious. I find myself saying things in proper english and then correcting myself in slang as if they couldnt understand what I meant the first time I said it. My tastes, habits, and lifestyle have changed, so a lot of the things I used to be involved in seem absolutely unreasonable and unproductive, so I no longer engage. I cant openly discuss my experiences from my past life with my colleagues because they may look at me differently. But I also cant discuss things from my present life with my family and old friends because they may think Im bragging or looking down on them. That has led to me being alienated from many of the people I love and being isolated and alone far more than Id like to be.
Just like OP I feel obligated to take advantage of my situation and to do well for the sake of the ones I love. I just think about that and it keeps me striving to push further. Honestly, if I didnt feel that obligation I wouldve gotten out of public as soon as I got my CPA (less than a year in full time because of a prior internship). I deal with the survivor’s guilt by constantly telling myself that I spent a lot of time planning and working hard to get the opportunities that Ive had and to avoid the roadblocks Ive seen others fall victim to. I also pay it forward by being involved with recruiting and programs that target minority students so I can influence others that may or may not secure the same opportunities that I have otherwise. Even then though theres still a bit of lingering guilt. Im hoping the more I pay it forward the less I will feel it...
For example: I’m the youngest in a house full of boys from a single family home. Yet I’m the most successful and happy out of all of us.
I live with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and the mother of my future children. I have it all, by most people’s standards.
Yet my the rest of my entire immediate family is underwater or lost to drugs and jail. I vow to be the best man I can be because they’ve sacrificed so much for me and can’t prosper because of me. I will not let them down.
However, I feel like I’m not the only one who is dealing with this.
If anyone else is dealing with or has gone through this, how did you overcome the feeling?
Haha maybe I am 🤔🤔🤔