Help! My kids’ (ages 7m and 5f) sibling rivalry and jealousy are out of control. They fight and bicker over every little thing and seem to just enjoy irking each other. There’s not a single thing that one receives than doesn’t trigger an immediate “why don’t I get one?!” Even when its things the other wouldn’t want (say, a necklace). Any tips that have helped you manage something like this would be super appreciated!

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Going through this now. Some strategies we’ve used…
- Each parent does 1:1 time with each kiddo once a week doing an activity of their choice
- We tell them that we’re always thinking about what’s right for each kid and treat them as individuals. Do not compare their behaviors
- We also do generally try to give them things separately so they don’t need to share when it makes sense - for example, each kid now gets their own ice cream cone where previously we would’ve shared as a family
- We don’t blame the other kid if we’re busy doing something
- We don’t enforce sharing - and talk about taking turns instead
- When one kid asks for something another kid has, I reinterpret the “why does (sibling) get this and not me” into their own needs, “I would like one”. This makes it less of a comparison

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Thank you!

we used the ice cream scoops approach and it worked for us for many years. Everyone starts off each day with three scoops of icecream after dinner. Throughout the day, kids can earn more scoops for cooperation and problem solving or they can lose scoops for fighting.

*Scoops can mean whatever you want, table spoons or teaspoons too.

* This program works best if sugar and treats are limited throughout your day and this dinner (or bedtime) dessert is the only real chance at sugar they will get.

* Depending on your kids, it may be easiest to just remove a scoop from both kids when they’re fighting instead of having to judge who is at fault this time.

* At some point you will need to set up additional rules, like “maximum of 5 scoops can be carried over to next day” or similar.

Good luck!

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Thank you!

Think about anything you can do to get them to work together.
A specific and intentional family ritual for the three of you could also help.

During pandemic stress, we would turn off all of the lights and listen to Judy Blume audiobooks - for some reason, no other author worked as well - I remember loving those books when I was a little kid too - so perhaps the magic is sharing YOUR childhood favorite?

The building of the blanket fort, laying down with one on either side of me, and the key requirement of not arguing while doing so,calmed them and became something they looked forward too, whereas prior, the evening transition was nothing but chaotic kid fighting.

Option 2 is more involved. A kindness chart where they each get to pick something big they really want, and I mean BIG like PS five, or trip to the beach big.

They earn points by being kind to each other, as evaluated by the other sibling, so at the end of each day they get or lose a point as determined by mom and dad

As you have a very young one, adding midpoint rewards can help keep them engaged.

The big prize could run from 30-90 days plenty of time to change the habit of arguing with each other.

Option two takes alot more work than not snoring while lightly dozing through an audiobook, so efficacy is dependent on your bandwidth; which is an important factor that you need to respect as well.
You are doing the best you can, and I promise it is 100% true that the days are long but the years are short.

Believe it or not,you're 12 years away from an empty house - it will go FAST - you've got this!

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Thank you!

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Tie any gifts or trinkets you give them to accomplishments, birthdays, and holidays. Don't just give one child something randomly and not expect the other to freak out. This is just a stage they're going through.

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Thank you!

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Give them a common enemy

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