Hoping I’m not alone at 15 weeks pregnant (first time mom), crying after work on a weekly basis because I just can’t keep up with the demands or the cognitive functioning to perform in big law anymore (not that I ever could). I like some parts of my job, but I’m so often left feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I want to provide for my family but I can’t imagine having a day like today with a baby. Does it get better? 🥲

I think I’m more confident as an attorney since my kiddo was born if that’s any consolation. But there are always hard days, an opposing counsel made me cry yesterday and had me wondering what other jobs I could do lol. That pregnancy brain fog does go away eventually, especially after baby starts sleeping through the night. Chalk it up to a hard day, you can and will get through this.

Ooof. This is hard. Please please take care of yourself and your baby.

I just returned back from maternity leave and am going to ask my work if I can go reduced hours for a bit. Hoping they are open to it. I am having a tough time with this transition.

I’m right behind you at 13 weeks and feel the same. I don’t know what the answer is but I also feel utterly defeated and depleted most days. There truly is no rest for the weary…but we do have the advantage and privilege of being well paid, and hopefully able to wfh when you need to. I am typically kinda spendthrift when it comes to outsourcing day to day stuff, but one thing that has helped is throwing that out the window. I order delivery when I need it, and am getting ready to pay a cleaner because when I try it just makes me gag 😣

Briefly gets better second trimester but third is so so worse. Being pregnant and working in biglaw was probably the hardest times in my life (also already had a kid) so I don’t think you’re alone but everyone is so different, some people can do it but it’s not easy. I would say majority of people quit even those that were excellent, top associates.

Sorry this period totally sucks. Different perspective (if you want to say in this career- you don’t need to) hang on, sandbag when you can, and don’t worry about it until someone says something. Basically act like every mediocre male associate you’ve ever met with tons of confidence.

With kids (I have 3 and had very difficult pregnancies) everything changes all the time and the situation generally gets better. Plus if you’re a good associate (and most mid/senior women are if they last) you’re 80 percent cognitive capacity is still really good.

Health and sanity are the first priorities always so take care of yourself.

There’s a reason a lot of women self-select out of a lot of different jobs when they become mothers…

I’ve made it work, but I had to completely overhaul my life. I’m only willing to work reduced hours from home. I volunteer for almost nothing at work. I turn things around when I can. I spend an insane amount of money on outsourcing and lifestyle. I have a PT SAHD spouse. 🤷‍♀️

Go on a reduced schedule. It’s a hard period of time but it will pass. Take time for yourself and your baby…that’s what the reduced schedule will allow you to do. If you feel your boss won’t go for it, emphasize that’s it’s only for the period of time while you are pregnant and have young kids. I think their fear is that it will be permanent. Also, being a woman raising a young family can be an asset. I work on a major firm client that does a ton of M&A. The head of legal has young children and I am the only one she will talk to because she sometimes has her kids around on calls and she knows I will not judge her and only support her. The male partners are baffled but appreciate my ability to connect with her.

Your body is going through a lot of changes, undergoing significant stress, and it’s all a lot on you, especially for a first time mom. You are literally growing another human. Cut yourself some slack. I know it seems like the hardest thing but you will get through this.

Please don’t think you have to make any permanent decisions based on how you feel right this minute. If it helps, I worked in Big Law over 20 years, had 3 kids I absolutely adore, my husband was a litigation partner at another firm, and I made it work. Before you assume I wasn’t able to see my kids much, you should know that my kids laugh about how I asked them one time when I was driving them home from school when they were about 16, 13, and 10, respectively if they felt neglected due to my work, and without missing a beat, the oldest (daughter) chimed, “Neglected? God No! You’re a stalker!” The middle (daughter- casually staring out the van window), “You’re like Old Britain…the sun never sets on you!” 😆 My youngest, (son) “You’re perfect, Mommy.” 😍 (Have to love the young ones ❤️)

My first firm (where I was became pregnant with my first child) was a smaller firm in a smaller area, and they were the absolute worst…the main named partners were complete jerks about my pregnancy. I was the first female attorney they had, so they had no maternity leave policy for attorneys and after asking me to research what other firms did, they waited MONTHS to decide their policy. Their policy ended up being NO paid leave, but they were subject to the FMLA, which had recently passed so I could take 12 weeks unpaid leave (which I could not afford, but did it anyway to be with my daughter). They took my excellent secretary away, and most (not all, but most) of the attorneys stopped going to lunch with me. Was it stressful? Yes. I ended up with an ulcer and pneumonia; my doctor attributed both to my being under extreme stress & being rundown. Did I survive? Yes. Did I learn something? Absolutely! And I left for a bigger city and switched INTO Big Law where the benefits were better, the mindset was more progressive, and the workforce was more diverse.

I had two more kids while working in BigLaw. I negotiated reduced hours and WFH 3/2, well before either of those were “cool”. Keep in mind, you have earned your right to practice law. That is your right and your responsibility to maintain as you see fit. Law is a profession. Your legal career is your own. Your firm exists to make money. And, what works for one attorney in one group at one firm doesn’t mean it will work for you wherever you are. Move forward carefully, thoughtfully, and with purpose. I know it is hard when you are growing a human, so please pace yourself. Take medical leave if necessary. Do not damage your health.

My suggestions: First, join a women’s attorney group with other working moms. Find other mom lawyers your age in your city, your specialty area and connect with them. I don’t know what area of law or city you are in or I would be happy to suggest some. I made friendships with other women attorneys my age when I had young kids that are now some of my dearest, most trusted friends.

Second, if you like where you are, show your value. It costs firms money to replace good associates. They would rather not replace a good associate if you can show them how you are still going to be an asset to the team.

With law firm management, it’s not personal. It’s all about the numbers with BigLaw firms. I know some people find that upsetting, but in a way, it’s liberating if you think in that perspective for a moment. Unlike my small firm partner who told me if he wanted me to “have a child, he would have done like the Marines and issued me one”, and spent the rest of my tenure there actively being vindictive about it, Big Law firm management is willing to make situations work that works for their bottom line.

What is your billing rate vs your cost to the firm? If you don’t know, my suggestion is to go find out from your HR person, billing, or accounting person. They are usually very helpful and nice to people who are nice to them.

Once you have the actual numbers, approach your Team leader/Supervisor with a professional looking proposal that he or she can take to management showing how the firm can still make money and be covered under your proposed scenario. Tackle this analytically like you would a legal problem.

My very best to you and other mom lawyers above as you begin this incredible journey of becoming moms. It’s not easy, but what an honor and privilege to be a mom in this day and age, with so many choices. It may not be cool to say, but I have said it from the day my first opened her eyes, and I still say it now…my babies (now grown, ages 28, 25, and 22) are the greatest loves of my life. I have accomplished many things in my life, but they are, by far, my greatest achievements. I wish you all health, success, prosperity, strength, and fortitude. Know that if you believe you can do it, you will. 😊

Agree with the others here. You are not alone. And be aware that the pregnancy hormones really do mess you up emotionally. You’ll be all over the place, deliriously happy one minute and bawling the next, often for no apparent reason. But if anyone questions it, just say, “Pregnancy hormones.” Really, you can get away with Moren while pregnant, because no one will question that!

Second trimester did get better, but third I was tired all the time and wanted afternoon naps (which I rarely got). But I had two doctors’ appointments a week because I was a high-risk pregnancy (twins at age 50), and then hospitalized 5 weeks before delivery (at 34 weeks). My twins were in pediatric ICU for 17 days.

The first 6 months after birth were pretty hard too. The kids needed to be fed at least once a night if not more, and I pumped twice too. I spent that period doing 6-hour stints with my husband because of one want awake, the other was - we’d each stay awake as long as we could, then switch. Pregnancy fog is also real - don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But it does eventually go away, once you start getting more sleep.

But I’ll give props to my little regional firm (50ish attorneys). I was afraid to tell them I was pregnant, because I’d just gone through a tough couple of years when both parents were diagnosed with dementia and had to move to a care home and I thought they’d be upset. But when I told my department chair, his first response was, “Congratulations. Having children was the best thing I ever did.” And I’ve been on a reduced schedule ever since, working remotely since COVID.

If your form and/or department chair isn’t 100% supportive, it’s a sign you might want to move somewhere that is (much like the poster above who went to BigLaw because it was more progressive). But everyone who’s been a mom will understand. (You think you do until you’re actually living it, then realize you really, really didn’t, LOL). You can make it through this, I promise.

F