I need some advice here, and I’m sure I will get some people just saying “he’s acting like a typical guy”. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, we have three amazing kids, the youngest is two. I have felt the physical part of our relationship dwindling for some time, to the point it is non-existent. My wife always says she is tired, or intimacy will only happen on her terms, or even that “your moves are so ick now”. I don’t know what to do. She never initiates and it almost feels like a

I’m going to chime in with a woman’s perspective here. A lot of women have a really hard time feeling sexy after having kids - it’s a part of ourselves we feel we lose after kids and it’s difficult to get back. A lot of SAHM struggle because they don’t often get to dress up, etc. so that just adds to it. If you have little kids, feeling “touched out” can definitely be a problem too. You said she shared with you what she needs - have you taken that to heart and made efforts towards it?

Counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea. In the interim, make sure you’re doing things to allow your wife to engage in some self-care. Maybe run her a bath with all the fun accoutrements and take the kids out for a few hours so she can relax, something like that. Maybe take her shopping for a sexy new outfit. Maybe buy some lingerie. Hire a babysitter and take her on a romantic date night, somewhere nice so she can dress up. Talk about new stuff you might want to try in the bedroom and then make an honest effort to actually carry that out.

Most of all, though, do not push or pressure her. There is no bigger turn-off for a woman than feeling like she is being coerced into sex. Just my opinion but I think if you do some stuff to make her feel more like a “woman” and less like a “mom” and stop bugging her about sex, she’ll probably initiate more.

I think with three children, you need to put in a lot more time and effort before you even consider the D word. This is likely a phase, but she isn't being very considerate with how she's speaking to you obviously. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation about your needs and her needs. Suggest compromises. Make goals (it feels unsexy but making a goal for how much intimacy you are both comfortable with each week can be a great starting point). If you can't get anywhere on your own, I'd look for a therapist.

“Your moves are so ick”… that’s the part that gets me. Fading intimacy, fatigue, etc - I get that. My wife and I have been together 20 years and have two kids under 7, and we’ve had our peeks and troughs - but the act itself has never been the issue.

It deserves a conversation - if your moves are so ick, what can you be doing differently for her?

You’re in a lose-lose position and she is in a win-win position. Stay and be miserable, or leave and lose half of everything. Meanwhile, she maintains her lifestyle either way.

Y’all should really consider couples therapy. Marriages need constant work and sometimes you need help to figure out how you got to this point. You can’t fix it if you don’t know what broke it.

Sounds like you’re communicating your concerns well but getting nowhere. Understandably, raising kids is extremely draining physically and emotionally, but I think it’s important to always put your marriage first. Some people may disagree but I think if the parents aren’t in a good place then it almost always trickles down to how your parent. Also, kids see everything. How you treat each other (no affection, not loving towards each other, being happy together, etc) is how your kids will think relationships should be.

If your marriage, the literal foundation of your family, doesn’t get help and improve physically, emotionally, intimately, etc, you’re headed towards a road full of resentment, unhappiness, and unfulfillment which never ends well. This is the hard part of marriage none talks about. It’s hard work but it’s worth it.

My female two cents on things to try before you think about leaving for these issues .... buy a few romance novels and then do and say to your wife what the male character does in the book, try to be that guy for a few weeks but still yourself of course. It might seem silly but women wish they had this in a partner thats why they are selling millions of copies of the best sellers and Hallmark has multiple channels dedicated to movies where a man romances a woman. Have flowers delivered to you wife. Order takeout for your family once or twice a week so she doesn't have to cook. Send her to the nail salon or to the hair place for a haircut while you watch the kids and then get a sitter to take her to dinner. Go get a haircut yourself. Smell good. Go see a stylist at a department store like Nordstrom that will help you to pick out outfits that bring out your best qualities. Tell her at least twice a day some variation of you find her attractive or what you love about her. Buy her little gifts that support her hobbies and interests. Make her feel that you cherish her and want her happiness. I would not suggest any lingerie as it's too direct. Really do these things for 60-90 days. If there is zero change then it might be too late but I think you will see at least some improvements.

(Continued) a chore to her. I’ve tried getting on her level emotionally and she will then just say things like “this is what I need from you” but at the same time I tell her that the physical part of our relationship is a meaningful part too (she acknowledges the fact) but nothing changes. I’m to only one that works (professionally) in the relationship and just feel I can’t get anywhere when I come home. Not sure where to go or if I really need to talk to her about maybe going out separate ways.

marriage goes in ebbs and flows… I do think you need to talk to her about what she means “ick”, etc. and discuss what either of you can do can be on a better flow . Schedule a date night and talk about it :)

Are you guys still doing after 10 years

I think the root of the problem is that if I got sex even a couple of times a year, it would feel like the sacrifices I make—long hours, high stress—to provide for my wife and kids are worth it. My kids are amazing, and my wife is an incredible mother. That alone makes my misery bearable until they’re grown.

But instead of appreciation, I feel constant resentment from my wife for what I don’t do at home or what I do “wrong.” She has vague expectations I can’t seem to meet, and without meeting them, she doesn’t feel like we’re in a relationship—so no intimacy.

Before marriage, life was simple: work hard, come home, go out, hook up, repeat. It’s not just that we have kids now; it’s that my wife has completely changed as a mother. The things she once enjoyed are gone, and I have no roadmap for how to be part of her life in a sexual way. I’ve asked. The therapist has asked. She can’t explain why she’s unhappy or what I need to do differently—other than “everything” and making her feel more appreciated.

At this point, it feels like my role is just to provide the income that lets her stay home. OP I know we’re not alone in this, and I’d love to hear perspectives on the blind spots we might have. How can this be solved without divorce?

Married 35 years. Marriages definitely go through ebbs and flows as somebody already mentioned. Have an open and honest conversation with your wife. If need be, get into counseling. Maybe your wife is so exhausted that sex right now is not her priority, or maybe she feels unattractive after having 3 babies, but she needs to be reminded that you still need it and agree to compromise.

Remember that the sleep deprivation that often accompanies motherhood can lead to fatigue and a decrease in libido, and estrogen levels, crucial for libido and vaginal health, often decline after childbirth, potentially leading to vaginal dryness and pain, further impacting sexual desire.

Maybe there’s a medical reason? Good luck!

Time to hire some help.

I feel your pain OP. We have two kids under 7 and the only reason we’ve had any sex since the first was born was to try and have the second. Sex became mechanical and frankly awful, compounded by years of IVF and trying naturally between those cycles. Since my wife got pregnant with our youngest, no sex, kissing, or touching at all…four years now.

I’ve tried having an open discussion several times, and nothing much comes of it. Main themes are that I’m not nice enough to her for her to want to have sex. We have no relationship so she doesn’t want to have sex. Or she’s too tired or doesn’t want to be touched because the kids were hanging on her all day. We’ve tried marriage therapy and it did nothing because she didn’t like it…I don’t think she liked the points the therapist was raising so we stopped going. I’ve tried asking her, how am I mean to her. What kind of relationship does she want given the kids and our schedules. And she’s not able to articulate what she wants to change.

She does not work, it was her choice to stay home and raise our kids. I feel like I work my ass off and am for sure gotten grumpy because I’ve not had “for fun” sex in about seven years and no sex at all for the aforementioned four years. She seems to want me to treat her like we were dating for a year before she considers sex again, but I’d never date anyone where there was no payoff of hooking up, and can’t pretend that I’m happy in this situation. So we remain in this cycle.

Not that this helps, but I’ve got a number of colleagues in a similar situation. Wives who stay home with the kids and sex is gone. It seems wives that work have a stronger interest in maintaining a sex life, just from speaking with friends about this.

Net net, you’re unfortunately far from alone here, and I offer you that comfort instead of advice because I don’t know how to fix this situation either. I’ve sort of resolved that I won’t have sex again until my kids are older and it’s a better time to get divorced. Good luck, and I hope your situation improves.

Have you thought about going to some sort of therapy to help with this?