I don’t mean for this to come off any in type of way. I’m thinking about having kids but I don’t want to put my career on hold. I love my career and know that I won’t enjoy staying home with the kids. My spouse would. I have observed in my own life and in online forums that women often take a break or leave law practice after having kids (or express a strong desire to do it if they can’t). To women who had kids and never put their career on hold, I’d love to hear about your experience. Thank you

Your first sentence shows all that is wrong with this world. Your third and fourth sentence are all that matters.

I want to clarify that neither my spouse nor I want to be a stay at home parent. We both enjoy our careers and want to keep working. We also live in a VHCOL which means that for childcare either the partner earning a lower income stays home or we both keep working. I guess I just don’t want to be judged for not wanting to sacrificing my career to stay at home with the kids. I know that I wouldn’t be very happy and would resent my kids if I had to stay home and raise them. I firmly believe in quality time > quantity of time together. I don’t think I would be a good parent to my kids if I’m around all the time but I’m miserable. And I guess I feel judgment already from other people in my life who made different choices. They can’t fathom why I feel this way. Maybe something is wrong with me for not wanting to do what they did (stay home, breastfeed, homeschool, etc.). I sense this too from some male partners in private practice. Comments like they understand if I want to take time off to raise a family are well meaning but they make me so angry! As if I don’t see that their wives’ (also attorneys) careers took a hit from raising their kids meanwhile they continue to climb the ladder and collect accolades.

My husband and I both work. Kids are now both in school, so it is busy but manageable. Activities require more of our time now, but sick days are way easier with kids who are a little older.

It. Is. A. LOT. It’s chaotic in the most fulfilling way, if that makes sense. That said, I have health challenges that are making it increasingly difficult to sustain. But for having more than plenty disposable income to outsource virtually everything but our jobs and time with our kids, I do not think this would be a viable arrangement for us (at least not in a healthy manner).

If SAH parenting isn’t for you, nothing is wrong with that. It’s not for me either, and it doesn’t mean I love my kids any less. Both paths are hard in their own ways. For me, being a sole SAH caregiver would be harder - nothing but respect for moms or dads who do it, as they are rock stars and work extremely hard.

Talk to your partner and do what is right for you and your family. But plan on needing (a lot of) help if you continue law full time and spouse is also working full time - without material help, my advice is to proceed with caution.

ETA - who cares what anyone but you and your partner think about this decision? It is seriously no one else’s business. You and partner will love these kids in a way no one but their parents (this counts adopted parents in such scenarios) loves them, so it is your call 100%. Identify a polite but clear way to steer folks like that back into their lane. Then rinse and repeat.

I am a trial lawyer and never put my career on hold to have children, although I did take a less demanding job for a few years. I had two great nannies in a row who were super helpful, and a husband who could be home every day by 5. I tried to spend every moment I could with the kids and took decent vacations. It wasn’t easy and I often felt I was short-changing either the children or my practice. But ultimately it worked out well; they thrived and are now attorneys themselves with happy marriages and kids of their own. We are close as a family. And I never had to nurse the resentment I’d have felt if I had to abandon a career I loved.

I don’t know the stats by heart but I think most American families need two incomes to survive. Having kids with two parents who work is very…normal. I didn’t say easy! Haha. But definitely normal. I also never wanted to be a stay at home parent and never thought twice about it. It won’t be any better for your kids to be home and miserable. Trust me on that one. I’m in big law and that’s still easier for me than being a full time caregiver would be. Hardest job ever.

I returned to work after both kids - but went on a reduced schedule. So I got more time with them but still was able to have my career. I know people who went back at 100% as well, one of which is a partner. I say do what makes you happy and it will turn out OK.

I have 2 little ones. I made partner between kid 1 and kid 2. My husband and I are now both on a reduced schedule of some sort and it mostly works well. My advice: stay off the internet/social media and figure out what works for you/your family without the noise. For example, the internet made me feel like I was failing by sending my kids to daycare but now I love it! The teachers are great, the socialization is so important, and I get to be Mom, rather than trying to be everything. Try not to think of these decisions as a zero-sum game: you’re not less of a mom because you work and you’re also not “putting your career on hold” if you need to give yourself some space during the baby years (longer leave, reduced schedule, etc.). Your decisions and the balance may also change over time and that’s okay too.

It’s possible and if you want to make it happen you can.
I’m really glad I checked some of my big goals off before having kids because I don’t have as much desire or energy anymore, but I also don’t want to stop working or stay at home. My husband is a little further behind in his career from moving around a bit and is trying to make partner, and he’s actually working even harder now after the baby, and I probably could be working like that without stepping off the gas now (after leave and recovery) if I wanted. We go on a walk every morning at 7:30, have a nanny from 8-5, and stop work from 5-7:30 until the baby goes down, before logging back on to finish work. It’s hard especially at the beginning, I have to be smarter about how I’m using my time, and I had battles with PPD and newborn sleep and feeling really tired and struggling with breastfeeding to survive before getting to a better place, but my son is everything and I’m really loving being a mom.

Not me but my husband was raised by a stay at home dad. His mom owned a real estate brokerage and was an overall boss.

Do you mean that you’re a woman and would like your husband to stay with the kids? I guess it doesn’t matter which gender stays but I was just wondering. As long as you have a nursing area where you can pump every few hours I don’t see an issue. I did do it all as a single parent and did not put my career on hold (beyond the two years I breast fed and stayed with my son until he could walk and talk)

I had kids and never stopped practicing or went on a reduced schedule. It’s incredibly difficult, but don’t worry about what others say. You will figure it out when the time comes, but it’s hard whether or not you or your partner want to be a SAH parent.

One thing that made staying employed in a job I loved was getting an Au Pair. Absolutely best decision. It made it so much easier to pop in and see kids when wfh or having lunch with them. It also kept them home and away from a those school germs. They got 1:1 time with Au pair and parent. Neither my husband and I had to choose between either career advancing. The Au pair also helps with a lot with meal prepping and doing laundry etc. Our kids have had amazing experiences with Au Pairs from all over the world. They picked up an ear for languages at early ages and learned new foods and cultures.

I felt exactly the same as you. I took my mat leave but then back to a full schedule. My husband now stays home with our almost 3 year old. I’ll echo others here who say it is hard, but it can be rewarding, and I know that I’m a better mom when I’m with him. And if it makes you feel any better, there has been no effect on my bond with my son—even so far as him having a strong preference for me over dad (which is also hard for the SAHD, but that’s a separate issue). When I am with my son, even if it’s only for 3 hours that day, I really try to be present with him, and I truly believe it makes a difference and he can tell even at a young age.

I kept working through mine and don’t regret it but I’d say the thing nobody tells you is how much the plan can shift when reality hits. An uncomplicated pregnancy, a healthy baby, a partner who stays engaged with the logistics — these feel like givens when you’re planning, and they usually are. But not always. The women I’ve seen navigate the transition best had thought through not just the ideal setup but what they’d do if it went sideways: a harder pregnancy/birth, a child with additional needs, a partner who turned out to carry less than expected. If you go in knowing your non-negotiables and your contingencies, you’re in a much stronger position than most.

Insecure people will use anything they can to make you feel less than. Absolutely, women should not be expected to have their careers take a hit. Two years meant everything to my son and only delayed me being a partner by probably two years. At the same time, your husbands career should be the one to take the hit because this seems important to you. I say, at least one of you should take the two year hit! But it’s also just an option, a good nanny would also help. Either way, there will need to be some limited level of sacrifice from both of you.

My husband is a stay at home dad and his job is harder than mine a lot of the time! But he loves it!

I practiced law and then went into law firm management. My husband started staying home when kids were 5 and 2. They are out of the house now and doing well. We had some very hard years—they still wanted mommy, and I traveled a lot. Would I do things differently? Yes, but only because I had tough kids and rather disorganized husband. It can totally work, and we’ve been married 30 years now. Do what you want to do and ignore everybody else. Lots of stay at home dads now. He will need a community.