I’m in my mid-30s and single in big law in the south. It’s depressing because everyone around me is married/had/having kids. I’m a senior associate but even the juniors in their 20s are married. I feel so discouraged because I’m not able to connect with anyone and I feel anyone I come across is intimidated. Feeling discouraged and as if being alone is my destiny. Any “success” stories?

My success was coming to the realization of why I felt this way, and like you in my 30s it was intense. Then I realized that I saw being married was a means to what I truly wanted, which was having kids. When that clicked for me and I was in my early 30s, which was the “get off the pot“ time ticker I knew that while I could live without ever getting married, I could not find true purpose if I never had children, so I pursued that as a Single Mom using ART. All that angst completely dissipated as my child grew older, and all those booed up couples I was around, revealed themselves to not be anything close to the ideal that we were sold. Never regretted my choice.

I used to be chronically alone and felt the same. I often asked why I couldn’t connect with others until I realized I had unusually high standards about my ideal match. To be clear, my hang ups weren’t about appearance or money. I basically had a juvenile and overly romantic view of the world like Tom in 500 Days of Summer and would axe people for arbitrary things like not liking every pretentious movie/book I liked. Then I met my wife (am gay) and gave her a chance because she was kind and funny even if she wasn’t my “manic pixie dream girl” (problematic stereotype from early 2000s indie movies lol).

Perhaps this is my convoluted way of asking:Are you too romantic and idealistic when it comes to the perfect match?

Move to the northeast. Plenty of singles in their 30s in NYC (and Boston, but I don’t recommend Boston for several reasons).
I’m 32 and single and have zero plans to get a BF anytime soon because I love my freedom. I don’t care if men are intimidated by me—that’s their problem and the right guy wouldn’t be intimidated.
Stop thinking being alone is bad. It’s all about attitude.
Things will work out for you.

Don’t feel discouraged. I meet my significant other when I turned 32. We have been going 2 years strong. We’re likely getting married and having kids together. Before him I “dated” but no one stuck. I was single for about 10 years by choice. Point is, keep putting yourself out there. Yes it will suck sometimes, but that’s part of the process. Get up and go back out there. Everyday you’re closer to figuring out what you want! Good luck 🫶🏼

I am in the South and I didn't meet my husband until I was 35. We got married when I was 37. I have tons of not so good dating stories and used to get ghosted a good bit, which was hard to swallow and made me feel like something was wrong with me. I went without a boyfriend for maybe seven or eight years. But I am a success story and I found my person. One thing though is that we do not intend to have kids and had that conversation about three months into dating. I think if I met him in my late 20s, it would have been a different story. For what it is worth, I met my husband on Bumble. And he does not know this, but I swiped no on him multiple times before I finally swiped yes.

I live in the south too. Unmarried but in a relationship, with someone much older than me. My life changed dramatically when I decided I would not have my own children (very personal choice, but I have bad genes and the desire just waned) and decided to adopt if I felt it was right one day, and that I would do it when I had enough resources and imagined myself single doing it. I stopped compromising my own life for dating partners and became so happy being on my own, all I could see in those young married folks was all the compromises I would have had to make to have the same thing. For some of those people they were with the right person at the right time, but for so many it seems like a box that got checked and for me I would have had to make the wrong sacrifices. Married with kids can be something amazing for you. But especially somewhere like the south it's almost like a club, like a kind social currency. I stopped treated it like a badge, became happy on my own, and no longer feel left out at all. I have a lot of friends without kids who are similar to me but also have friends with kids! I just don't bond very easily with people who value it as social currency and shove it around in people's faces who aren't married or moms. 2 years ago I reconnected with someone I used to date a decade before and we've been seeing each other ever since and have come to really love one another. He is not in a package that would have worked for me if I wanted kids or had been trying to lock something down, but it is a fit for ME. I was really able to be fully happy on my own too though. He's just a really nice addition to my life. But you need lots of friends and other connections to do this successfully, and ideally people who are similar to you.

Are you on dating apps? I was so opposed to them at first because I wanted a better "meet cute" than that. I finally downloaded Bumble and the first guy I went on a date with is now my husband with whom I have two children. I never would've met him without the app--we had zero mutual friends and I wasn't putting myself in a position to meet anyone other than at attorney networking events (which was not the situation in which I was trying to meet a romantic partner). I was 28 when we met, and we are in Atlanta. It's easier said than done or felt, I know, but at least in Atlanta there are so many singles in their thirties!

In BL in Texas and met my husband on the apps during covid when I was 34. Just had our first kid. I think part of what stressed me out so much is that there weren’t any close but not quite right dating/situationships before him. It was just total awkward garbage and then finally someone refreshingly normal that I meshed well with. But I totally relate that it is harder to be single in your 30s in the south when so many did ring by spring in college…but I’ve also been to several second weddings for those friends so grass isn’t always greener.

Idk if this counts as a success story to you, but I was more or less chronically single, dated someone for like 6 months who was fine but who I didn’t really have any feelings for, broke up with him, and then realized that having a kid was more important to me than having a significant other right now.

I had a baby using a sperm donor, and my life is unimaginably full. I was so depressed for so long because all I wanted was to be a mom and I didn’t think it was going to happen for me. It’s not always easy, but all the things I was so scared of just washed away the minute I decided to do this on my own. My kid is the BEST, and I really believe I was meant to have a kid on my own because I was meant to be HER mom.

Maybe that’s not what you want, and that’s totally fine too! But if it is, and you’re ready to make the leap, you can decouple a relationship and being a parent.

My humble opinion is that most people who struggle with finding someone simply have unrealistic standards when it comes to what they want versus what they have to offer. Of course you may be the exception, I don’t know you. But from what I’ve observed, that has been the case. My recommendation if that fits you is to either lower your standards or figure out what you can change about yourself to attract the kind of men you want.

I don’t buy the whole “men are intimidated by me” — even if some are, there are plenty of fish in the sea still…

F

F

Maybe expand your horizons. It could be you connect more with an international guy. Try internations.org. That’s where I met my hubby.