My H is a dedicated dad who runs the domestic side of our household (cooking/laundry/homework). I out earn him 2 to 1 and my schedule is (as a result) a lot more unpredictable. I’m super appreciative of him and recognize that he makes my life infinitely easier. BUT. Lately he’s been taking a cannabis gummy just before our kids bedtime as a way to wind down. Since I’m often coming in just before bedtime, this means that by the time we get any alone time he’s impaired. I’m not anti weed (cont)

How impaired? Honestly, if he was just relaxed and mellow, I would consider that to be a good thing?

I’m pretty against drug/alcohol use around my kids and honestly around me too. I have a very low threshold and my husband is aware of it and respects it, and honestly I get very annoyed when he gets drunk around me (he’s welcome to do it with his friends when me and kids aren’t around). I’d be very very angry if my husband was getting high or having a couple drinks every night.

But I do want to echo that the issue here seems to be his need for the gummy vs the actual gummy and being high. He seems to be overworked/burnt out and you guys need to talk about it, so you can find a happy medium like getting part time help or diving the workload. Household responsibilities on top of a full time job is HARD for anyone. If you can split it or get some help (maybe getting meals prepped/delivered, outsourcing cleaning and laundry, or straight up a family assistant for a couple hours a day), I would try that.
And since he reacted badly, I would start the conversation with “hey, I’ve been seeing and thinking about how much pressure and workload you’ve been dealing with. Can we talk about it?” and then start brainstorming areas where you can alleviate some of it.
If he’s still taking them after establishing help, I would bring that up specifically and say it bothers you and why.

It’s not sustainable for either for you to continue like this. You’ll be resentful that he’s high and you can’t spend time with all of your husband, and he’ll be resentful that he’s overworked and you don’t seem to understand this is how he’s coping.

I’d be uncomfortable with anyone who uses drugs or alcohol five nights a week. People get defensive about their drug use when they know deep down it’s a problem but aren’t willing to admit it out loud yet. And numbing yourself to relax five nights a week is a problem.

If he needs a substance to relax that frequently he is overwhelmed and needs to manage his stress in a healthier way. That should be the conversation.

No, you’re not unreasonable at all. People here saying that you are frankly baffle me. If you told them your husband gets drunk every night, I bet the response would be different. But because he’s high it’s somehow fine?

How impaired? And what was the offhand comment you made? My guess is there’s more going on here than just the gummies, including probably some resentment on the part of your husband because he’s basically doing everything while you breeze in right at bedtime. And I say that as someone who makes 10x what my husband makes. I still pull my weight.

That said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your husband to not be using THC five days a week. Whether it be from a gummy or alcohol (yes, even one glass every single night makes you an alcoholic, sorry), I don’t think it’s unreasonable. But like I said, there’s an underlying cause here that very likely stems from you not being a present and active parent and dumping everything on him. It’s time to solve that.

But it is becoming increasingly frustrating to me that he’s high 5 nights a week. I made an off hand comment last night about it and he reacted very badly. Am I being unreasonable here?

Let’s try to see what can be done to alleviate some of the stress so that he doesn’t feel like he needs a gummy 5 nights a week. Maybe get it down to 2 or 3…. Make sure your words and actions show that you are appreciative. Not saying you’ve indicated that you don’t. Just something to keep top of mind.

People who are criticizing this guy have not experienced the life-changing magic of gummies to help facilitate calm parenting at bedtime. Sure, it’s a vice. But it’s the lesser of about a zillion other evils.

And yes it’s completely different from being wasted every night.

Guessing your offhand comment was dismissive of all the work he does around the house. Have a real conversation with him about it instead of coming from a place of judgment. He deserves time to wind down but you also deserve to have some quality one on one time with him. The gummy isn't the issue - it's the priorities.

Gummies don't automatically mean "high." It is very dose dependent. Many of them are made lower dose to help with stress and sleep. I would be curious what changed that he "needs" them five nights a week to sleep...

I agree with all @DGC1’s comments. I think additional details are also needed. Finally, he works, handles what appears to be almost all of household and child responsibilities. I think OP needs to step up before she starts making comments to him. He seems fine to handle the house and kids…. It’s her once again concerned about her time… her availability. I’m not attacking OP either. I support women and working. But I think she needs some self-reflection too.

Why can’t you just approach the conversation directly and say that you’d like to have alone time with him before the gummy sets in and that that’s the only time you have together?

Some people need help sleeping, it could be between a gummy and sleep meds for him, and sleep meds would probably make him more impaired than a gummy does. Do you have to be working until bedtime? Could you not carve out a few nights a week where you could spend time together before he’s ready to go to sleep?

No but if be can’t handle all of this, can he get some help in the evening? Parent helper? You seem to both work so it sounds like it would be OK financially.

People saying you’re being unreasonable would not be saying the same if he was drunk 5 nights a week. This is dependence, especially if he gets mad at you about it. I’d ask him if he could do every other night or maybe take a lower dose. But I agree the issue is why does he feel the need to do this - that’s something you should discuss

Can you tell he is impaired bc he acts differently or is it just on principle it bothers you?

Not at all. That behavior is juvenile. He needs to man up and quick. He’s a father with responsibilities.

I think everyone here is being very unreasonable and making a lot of assumptions. No, I definitely do not think you are being unreasonable, and I doubt that any couples therapist would say you are either. It is important for a relationship to have time together in which you are fully present with each other. Especially with children. I don’t know how old your kids are, but the years of having young children can be really hard on a marriage. It is impossible to get the needed time if he is high. I think approaching with love and asking why he is doing this would be really helpful. Does he have too much on his plate? Can you contribute more in some way? I would be concerned about his response - that is not a healthy reaction. Explore that, ask why he feels so strongly. Also, as someone who is in recovery, it would be alarming to me if my partner started getting high every single night. Depending on the gummies he takes, they can inoculate you.

Agree with others that the problem to be solved here is the "need" for the gummies. I would say the same thing if I saw a friend becoming a "wine mom", as it suggests to me that there is inadequate support or some other fundamental issues. Part of this is likely a conversation on division of domestic labor and also about external support. Your partner's time and contribution has to be treated as equally valuable as yours because that unpaid labor permits you to have the family you have while having the career you have. Starting from there, I would encourage you to think about the facets of your family's life that you can own to take the pressure off. I say this as someone who is a mother and the primary earner---there are many things I take total responsibility for because our home life should not be on one person's shoulders.

I think the bigger question is - why does he feel he needs the gummy? This is new behavior.