Not remotely women in law related. Posting in here because it is a female audience.

Trigger warning: sexual assault.

Details in the comments.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. 💛

It sounds like your brother is processing a lot of this right now and so many thoughts and questions must be running through his head.

Once has had some time with it, perhaps you could explain the multitude of reasons and let him know you appreciate his desire to help. It may help him feel better/not pressure you to confront your mom, if he knows you are addressing the trauma in another way or taking overt steps to help yourself like therapy, etc.

I have always had a very strained relationship with my mother, for different reasons. I was blessed with the most amazing big brother, who has always done his best to protect me and raise me. He and our mother get along well. We both understand the reasons for our different experiences, and have been very careful to make our relationship thrive without the interference of the mother. We each respect each other’s feelings and neither gets upset when we handle things differently. For example, I support him when he makes many sacrifices to keep her happy and he respects that I keep a lot of distance and show up when he needs me, not because of her.

My only advice is to be open and honest with your brother. He sounds like the type of guy who will support your choices, but may need to know why you are choosing a different route than he would.

And please know that you don’t owe your mom or anyone else anything. You are entitled to all of the feelings that come with this devastation.

I’m sorry ❤️.

I would start by talking to a therapist. You need someone to listen to you talk the whole thing out for as long as you want. Once you’ve done that and made some peace with it, you can decide how to approach it with other family members.

Hi! Please see a trauma therapist and consider EMDR therapy. I'm sorry your mother didn't protect you. Hugs.

This is your life, your experience, your trauma. The answer is you get to handle it however you want to as long as you don't actively harm others in the process.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you're having to manage all over again. I agree that therapy is probably a good idea. As for your brother, it sounds like he loves you a ton. He's not wrong that you deserve an apology from your mother, but that might not be what you need, at least right now. I think it's fair to tell him you appreciate his care and what you need from him is just to be a support to you in whatever way you decide to proceed from here.

I am 40. It has recently come to my attention that my childhood trauma is also sexual trauma, the anger from which has manifested in a terribly strained all but estranged relationship with my mother. My brother, who was not involved and just learned of it today, feels I should address it with my mother. She was aware the day it happened but essentially helped the man I accused (my uncle, her brother in law). In short, she forced me to say I made it up and then made me write apology letters to my aunt and uncle and their children. I don't know if it is because of the generation she grew up (the boomerest of boomers) or because of her own upbringing (her mother literally helped cover up sexual assault that occurred to females by male family members).

This all occurred 25 years ago. I have spent the day crying, not because I've relived the memories I long blocked out, but because I heard my 45 year old brother cry and tell me he is sorry he didn't protect me and that he didn't know. My brother is an angel of a human and always took care of me as best as he could. I have always respected him and heeded his advice. However, for a multitude of reasons, discussing this with my mother (and asking for an apology as he feels is warranted) is not on my agenda.

Not sure how to act here. Any thoughts?