Funniest courtroom story you have? Could use a laugh today!

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In a former life I was a bankruptcy litigator and the rules of evidence are pretty fast and loose as there are juries. We were a co-party with the trustee to recover a fraudulent transfer, as the other side kept trying to get rank hearsay in because it “goes to notice.” Our local counsel got sick of this and objected: “Objection. Notice to whom? Your honor”? Opposing counsel: “Notice to the world, judge!” Our guy: “Your honor, the world is not a party to this lawsuit.” I almost fell out of my chair.

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In that same trial we had to have a witness who suddenly lost his memory declared unavailable to read his deposition transcripts in. Fun stuff.

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Judge Jerry Buchmeyer (now deceased) provided the Texas Bar Journal with hysterical trial and depo antics for almost thirty years in his Et Cetera column. The medical record excerpts are hilarious: "The patient has no past history of suicide." "The patient refused an autopsy. "

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Girl, you're thicker than a bowl of oatmeal

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I'm weak.

Yep.

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This is too accurate.

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I was defending a deposition one time. There was an allegation of inappropriate punishment of a child. Among the allegations were that the child had been locked in a storage closet with assorted Halloween decor, that included some sort of Halloween spooky sound machine. During the depo, OC asked my client if it was still her position that OP had locked the child in a closet with “monster noises.”

Me: objection. Vague as to what are monster noises. To my client. You can answer if you understand the question. Client: can you rephrase the question?

I thought OC was going to throw her pen at me.

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Opposing counsel and I approach the bench after clerk calls our motion. Judge looks up from his papers, looks at me, then OC. Continues to stare at OC, then says “get the fu*k out of my courtroom.” I go back to my office and explain what happened. Sr. Partner laughs and says oh yeah, he had an affair with the judge’s wife.

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whoa . . .

Custody case last week.

On direct: Dad testifying about how his contact name in Mom's phone is baby daddy. (Pretending to cry): "it's derogatory, I know my child thinks I'm just a baby daddy."

During recess: Me to the GAL: will you dare me to sing the baby daddy song in court?
GAL: I'd pay to see that.

Me, on cross: Mr. L, isn't that an inside joke bt you and Ms. L. Doesn't it come from the song from the 90s, "who dat is, that's just my baby daddy, who dat is..." (singing the song in the courtroom)?

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Accidentally posted this twice. Oops

I once was defending a one legged stripper who was arrested for a simple disorderly. When she was being placed into the back seat of a cruiser, her prosthetic leg fell off and her stash of drugs hidden in the leg. Her leg was confiscated

I had to file a motion to get her leg back. While in court for PTC, I looked at the judge and said, “your honor, my client is on her last leg…”

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Additional Posts in Overheard Courtroom

Back when I was in private practice and I thought our expert was in trouble, judge to other side’s expert on cross: “Sir, your answers are duplicitous and evasive. Your prevaricating is annoying this court.” I had to look up “prevaricate” but it is verb I use a lot now. I like it.

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At motions hearing — Opposing counsel had a hot mic before judge entered court room.
Junior OC to Senior OC (who is arguing) in hushed voices: “whatever you do, don’t bring up X case from our brief, it’s actually terrible for our position.”

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Best courtroom story/drama in the past couple weeks...go

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Judge: This is your court appointed counsel, Mr...
Alleged perpetrator: Oh hey, Mr D!!! Look I'm not in orange this time!

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When Judge James Brown asked, “So what was stolen was the cheese?,” Piwowarczyk kept an admirably straight face as he replied, “The defendant was informed that it was not yo’ cheese.”

Funniest thing I ever heard in bond court.

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Hoping someone else will share!!

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Domestic Violence docket: mother accused of assault & battery against her adult daughter... Defendant: You mean it's illegal to smack my own daughter?!
Judge: Yes, ma'am. Especially,when your daughter is in her 40s"
Defendant: well ----, that's the problem these days.

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At court during the child support docket for non payment: Judge to defendant: Mr. X I see you have 7 open support cases. You, know what your problem is? You need to stop making babies.

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Custody case last week.

On direct: Dad testifying about how his contact name in Mom's phone is baby daddy. (Pretending to cry): "it's derogatory, I know my child thinks I'm just a baby daddy."

During recess: Me to the GAL: will you dare me to sing the baby daddy song in court?
GAL: I'd pay to see that.

Me, on cross: Mr. L, isn't that an inside joke bt you and Ms. L. Doesn't it come from the song from the 90s, "who dat is, that's just my baby daddy, who dat is..." (singing the song in th

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Person: They called the cops on me.
Attny: On what grounds?
Person: They said I hit them with a bag of frozen fish.
Attny: And did you have a bag of frozen fish?

* silence *

Person: Yes.

🐟 🐠 🐡

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DV DOCKET. Judge to clerk (not realizing his Microphone is on): Let's see what they did to deserve this sh*t.

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